I feel like I won’t make it past 2020

[Strangelongtrip]

For a while, I didn’t really see myself growing old. I couldn’t see a future for myself. Then a lot of therapy and I was making 5 year plans. But now I’m back to believing I’m going to die before I make it to college graduation, which keeps getting pushed back. I feel like maybe it’s PTSD related but it also feels like I know it’s going to happen, mostly because of my health. None of what I have is fatal, but I still feel like maybe the pain or anxiety will drive me to death. Everytime a plan changes and gets pushed past 2020 I feel hopeless and helpless like I’m not going to make it. I have so much anxiety about it.

 

[blackemerald1]

I feel like maybe it’s PTSD related

I think it's likely to be ptsd related. I've had this feeling too. Dread - it comes and goes.

Rather than worrying about when you are going to die concentrate on what you do before you die.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I think it's likely to be ptsd related. I've had this feeling too. Dread - it comes and goes.

Rather than worrying about when you are going to die concentrate on what you do before you die.

I had a similar feeling college. In still around more than 10 years later. I have found these feelings come and go in waves so hopefully it will pass soon. Honestly speaking just for myself I've found that such morbid thoughts give me a sense of control over my life and release responsibility. If I'm going to die soon what's the point in trying and then I don't need to try or take responsibility because it will all over soon anyways. I think I'm much more afraid of living to 70 tham dying tomorrow.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Sorry I'm responding so late!

@blackemerald1 that helps some! I think that also scares me because the things I REALLY want to do aren't things my family would really approve of, and it just makes me anxious. But I'm trying. I started writing again, got about 100 pages done in my sleeplessness haha.

@HealingInProcess it's gotten better since I posted this, it's such a scary overwhelming thing though. Maybe it was a sign pointing to me needing to work more on trauma processing, because I didn't want to do the work to make myself feel better. Still kind of don't, I even want to stop going to therapy, but I won't and will keep trucking.

 

[Justmehere]

A lot of people with PTSD struggle with future planning. One way to look at PTSD is that it is fight or flight (or freeze or fawn) survival responses that are stuck on when they are no longer helpful. All those responses are about the brain prepping for an imminent threat to die here and now.

I try to remind myself, it's just PTSD talking, and it's not always accurate, and to keep putting one foot in front of the other.