The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

I got to support my middle son! We are really making progress in reconciling our mother-son relationship!
It's the same pattern though, that's happened with all my older grown up kids though.

They come to me when they are utterly shattered and their dad has done an unbelievably heartless move on them.

In this case, my son has been in a relationship with an abusive young woman, she's violent, gaslighting, violating, he's utterly shattered and guess what? His dad has ENCOURAGED her, sided with her and told her "she's welcome to live at their house as long as she likes" This is during the time my son is waiting on an operation for a very injured, chronically dislocated elbow AND trying, and had succeeded in getting off xanax. My son has told his Dad that living in the same house with her is utterly intolerable for him. He has battled suicality for years.

This young woman raped him, beat him up, and all manner of abusive other tactics and won't leave him alone.
My son is going to be homeless, rather than stay in the same house now and is back on the xanax.

I got to support him though, after he's tried getting support from his GP, mental health, drug rehab service and ED at the local hospital.

I think I did really well. He's feeling a lot better and planning on going to a music festival and living in his tent until she moves out, because he has to stay in the area until his arm MRI and subsequent operation. He can't even work, because his arm is so bunged up and he, clearly, has ptsd now So yeah.

He doesn't want to live at mine for dietary reasons, he's a (kinda fanatic) vegan and we eat flesh foods here.


So yeah, my ex always manages to break my kid's but I always manage to help them put themselves back together again.
He broke my daughter, after she got savaged by their dog, and he wanted to allow these dogs (they had been fighting, that s when she got attacked) to keep living inside (the one causing the problems is the abusive ex gf's of my son, she is violent to her dog as well) after my daughter got permanent nerve damage level injury dog bitr and she just wanted the dogs separated and restrained. Dad didn't want that. WTF??????

She has moved out never to return and has reached out to me and loves and trusts and appreciates me, like never before.
He is so pathologically ughhhhhh!!!!!! To his own children!!!!
My youngest son doesn't even go down there now and has zero relationship with his dad and not because I said anything to dissuade him, but because his dad is a drug addict, negligent, neglectful, twisted, irresponsible dreg of a dishonest man.
I feel sad that my children "have" a dad like that and my youngest doesn't feel like he has a dad because he shows absolutely no interest in his son at all and we live in the same, small town.
He has my gorgeous guy as a steppy though.:-)


I gave him some mun muns and he's a very grateful son who "loves me and forgives me":-) (for leaving and being sick and not pushing through his dad's evil manipulative crap to rescue him, years ago) .

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((@mumstheword )))
GIGANTIC HUGS to YOU and YOURS???
I LOVE reading about how your children gravitate towards you!!! I am NOT surprised though! You LOVE them like no one else can!

 

[Freida]

I am sooooo happy to hear about this! Well, not that your son is having a tough time, but that you are getting to fill the role of mom and help him thru it! Yay!!!

 

[mumstheword]

Hey guys. Been working hard on my stuff. Last week, in our group therapy we covered CONTEMPT, yep, self and other contempt. A real eye opener.
Realised my life has been a lot of that. Raised with it. And learnt to internalize it and treated myself with it and now struggling with it toward mum and ex and deciding to give it a try to change some patterns of contempt that run through my brain. I made a breakthrough with them, mum and baby dada. Gonna try leave it at gratitude for the gift of life, as much as I can.

I recognize that they treated me with HUGE contempt. Unfathomable levels of it. I have no idea if I can ever have any kind of relationship with either of them. Mum is supposed to be coming over this month. I don't know how I will go with that. I'm totally at a loss with how to act around my mum. I'm still scared of her, I think. Or at least scared of how out of depth I feel around her. I've resorted to just total avoidance or being fake ok with her and I'm not satisfied with either approach.

 

[Juso]

I recognize that they treated me with HUGE contempt. Unfathomable levels of it. I have no idea if I can ever have any kind of relationship with either of them. Mum is supposed to be coming over this month. I don't know how I will go with that. I'm totally at a loss with how to act around my mum.

I am so sorry. I can relate to you a lot. This feeling is horrible. Maybe, when she comes over, you can try to have little moments by yourself to breathe and to remind yourself of how she is treating you and that it is not right? Maybe then it's easier to demand healthy boundaries throughout her visit? And if she does or says anything that makes you feel upset or hurt or paralyzed maybe leave and come back when your mind is clear and you know how to react?
???

 

[mumstheword]

I've had my big daughter staying since last wednesday. She is post op. They were checking for endo.

Her best friends mum was killed last monday night. A hit and run. She half raised my daughter. An amazing, creative, full of joie de vivre, brilliant woman. My daughter would not be the full-of-drive-stability-resiliance-and- creativity woman she is, without her semi foster mother's input in her life.

She and my daughter's bestie were not only mother and daughter, they were also besties.

Me and my guy heard the accident. It was just down the road from where we live.

We don't yet know if it was murder or manslaughter.
It was a dark night. Whoever was driving (we think we know who it was, and I also know the suspect) sped up, onto the foot path, with no lights on. They didn't know what hit them.

Her boyfriend was knocked unconscious, but she was killed instantly and found nearly half a block up the street. People are withholding information.

I've spent most of the time tending my girl (big girl, she's 25). Cooking her gourmet vegan meals.

We also had my guy's sons over, for an easter visit. Their mum is being hideous (as she is prone, often).

Youngest son has to endure living with her for just a few more days. He is, finally, learning how to stand up to her, as she turned on him. He has gone from being "the golden child" to being her latest scapegoat.
I wish she would admit how ill she is and get treatment, but, like my own ex, she seems blinded to her own faults and behaves in classic "cluster B" abuse patterns. She has ailenated herself from the last family member who was doing his best to take care of her.

I am doing ok. My middle son has given up giving up Zanax. He has gone to a music festival after cleaning me out of my benzos and getting a couple of oxys out of my daughter. I told him he should go and get another script for Zanax as he has resorted to the black market and hitting us up for our scripted pills. He got bit by two dogs (the ex gf's [the abusive one that his dad invited to keep living there] and my family's dog, the one who their dad tried to bribe my youngest daughter, away from me, with) .

Good news though, the ex gf is moving, so my son doesnt have to be homeless while he waits, unemployed and traumatized, for his elbow operation.
My daughter spent her first night, post op, comforting him after the dogs but his face and hands.

He is, finally, drawing on me, for comfort and support, now. Which, I think, is really good.:-).

 

[mumstheword]

My daughter wants to see all her sibs move out of their Dad's place. I was quietly cheering on the inside when I heard her say that. I couldn't agree more.

 

[mumstheword]

It's really coming to ahead for my two middle sons. They are desperately unhappy at their Dad's. I just had my 20 (nearly 21) -year-old son, up here, crying into my shoulder. He's so unhappy living at his Dad's place. He said he would come up and spend more time with me.

My daughter left. She enjoyed her time at our's. She wants to have us over, to her house, and to cook, for me. I fed her really well. I enjoyed the challenge, of having someone with vegan, gluten free, dietary needs (especially someone dear to my heart like my beautiful dawt :-)). She got well looked after.

My other middle son didn't have a good time at the music festival. Someone stole his bag.

He very unhappy, as well.

All my son's living there are miserable.
Not surprising really.
It's been torturous for me. But as time goes on, it gets easier. Especially as they are trickling back to mama.
I live to be here for them, and to help them make the transition out into the world. I am the counter to their selfish, manipulative, codependency-inducing father. He is really a horrid (mostly) covert narcissist. My 20-year-old and my 23 year old are very worn down and demoralized.

They have me, though.

My younger son is missing spending time with my younger daughter. She is working, doing year 12 and has a live-in bf now and no time for her brother, who said "She used to be my best friend". I said "I'll be your fill-in bestie" til he makes a new one.

We are going on a shopping-for-winter-clothes- and-good-skin-treatment (for my son, he has an acne issue) trip on Friday.
He was a bit cheered up, by the time he left.
I hugged him while he cried for a while. I can do this, because I am there for myself, when I am very sad and feeling grief. Everytime I can be there for my children, I feel it heal me.

 

[ladee]

It's beyond sad the damage that man has done to people all his life. I was thinking while reading all the great news about your children returning to you one by one, that things work out like they are supposed to.

You left to save your own life. And have not had an easy road to trudge. And yet you never stopped working on yourself. Still, are.

And as your broken and wounded children come back to you, you have so very very much to give them. It breaks your heart, I know. But as you have healed, you have a safe place for them to return to. Not just with your guy, but your own mending heart and soul.

Very happy for you Mums, that your children are coming back to their mom. The one person who will be present for them, no matter what.

That man had no idea who he was trying to destroy. And your blood runs thru the kids' veins, which is apparent, and they are leaving him too. What an awesome role model you are!!

Not just for your children, but for us here also. Lots of hugs and respect for you. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I want to thank all of you who have contributed to my journal, here, lately, @Freida, @Juso, @AngelkeeperJ and @ladee. I dearly cherish your comments, your cheering me on and your insights. I'm sorry to all that have contributed and that I haven't acknowledged. I admit to being clunky and pretty crap at the back and forth dialogue that constitutes good relationships. My inconsistency and lack of natural grace really has to be chalked up to my ASD and really, I've worked long and methodically to be this good, so sorry for disappointing all those I have, this is the downside of Aspergers ASD, we suck at being socially normal and excel at being unusual, unconventional, odd and socially cluncky and awkward.
But that wasn't what I wanted to talk about.
I'm so exhausted today. Having my daughter over was good, but now I have to recover.
I freaked out a bit last night, all the stress and heartbreak of extended non-bio family member dying close by and audibly, my sons are hanging on by a thread and need me more than ever, my daughter needed concentrated care while she recovered from being medically stabbed, probed and scraped, and my darling was being childish and needy and accusitory last night and I cracked. Went outside on the back verandah steps and sobbed so loudly all my neighbors would have heard.
We made up and are better than ever, as a couple. He apologized and I got to de-stress by crying a lot.
But today I am a wreck. Physically wobbly, sick in the guts, head achey, no energy, just crapola.
I'm reminded of my "condition(s)".
My middle son is coming over soon. I'm so relieved he is talking to me now, at last, finally.
He got his script sorted, so that's a relief.
I'm so glad I don't have any other jobs other than parenting and "housewifing", I think my life expectancy would be much, much shorter, if I had to work, right now.
Thank you, my government, for my disability money. I'm pretty sure it s what will ensure that I last long enough to grandparent my grandchildren, when.they finally get here.
And I'm not insinuating that I would purposefully hasten my demise, no, my health is just so dicey that I would die like middle ages women died, of exhaustion and too much stress and a life force used up by multiple pregnancies, baby having's and heartbreak. I'm, pretty much, a woman with the body of a woman from a bygone era. No one has ten pregnancies with 7 live and breastfed babies, in poverty and malnorishment, anymore. Not in the West, anyway.
I got told by a (pretty kooky) health professional with some high tech equipment that I'm "old, on the inside". My organs are like a much older woman's.
Oh well, I'm happy. 7 out of 10 pregnancies, all born out in the bush, (bar the youngest) no medical care for any of the births. I'm lucky. I survived. Plenty of times I almost didn't make it, but here I am. And although my kid's wanted out and this one who.is coming up, spent many, many years wanting to take his own life, he's still here. We are all still here. What a miracle.

 

[Freida]

We are all still here. What a miracle.

yes -- yes it is!
I know it's exhausting but I am so very happy you have your family back.

I'm sorry to all that have contributed and that I haven't acknowledged.

No apologies needed -- I learn a tremendous amount about survival and fortitude and believing in things working out just reading your diary. You are an inspiration to me (and I'm sure others around here :hug:)

 

[mumstheword]

My nearly-winter walk. It's a lovely day :-)