I’m a dude who was raped as a kid and as an adult. Just checkin this place to see if it’s for me.
I’m a man, I work out, I’m married, I got kids. But the rapes still haunt me. And I have ptsd as a result.
Hope I get support here...
Hi, O.I.
To the degree this helps: I was raped (still learning to use that phrase) from age 9 to about 14. My father's reward for my half-brother's abuse of me was to beat me, especially when he was drunk. I was the center of their attention almost every night.
I'm 63, married, adult kids, great wife. I got really good at suppressing the whole thing, pretending I was "fine" or "maybe a little down" and just trying to forget.
Last November, it all started to unravel, like the core of a golf ball that is under such pressure that a slice in the cover starts an unwinding that can't be stopped. In retrospect, I was on a slow downhill slide for years, it just got to the point that I was unable to control my mind. Depression so deep, I was convinced there was nothing for me but a really bad choice. I couldn't focus on work or family. Nothing was important. Night terrors which had been only occasional increased to nearly every night. In one particularly notable nightmare, I woke up crouching behind some furniture in our living room, screaming, hiding from who-knows-what.
My best friend and my wife confronted me. They could see the pain and paralysis I was in. My physician saw me immediately for what she thought was a routine office visit. She cancelled her afternoon appointments and spent hours with me as I spilled out the details of my story.
The short story from there to today is this:
- Like I said, I was unable to control my mind. I felt like I had two choices: one would have been tragic. The other path was to surrender to people who had hope I could ease and maybe even end the pain.
- My MD started me on Prozac, which sounds drastic, but created a little breathing room to allow me to collect myself and get better control. I no longer need Prozac, but do take another less powerful drug.
- She referred me to an ARNP who specializes in trauma and has been amazing at defining what drugs would be helpful, what would be dangerous, or what would have little effect.
- My MD also referred me for talk therapy. I have a counselor (male) who is completely non-judgmental and has mostly helped me understand how being raped and beaten has affected my life - so I can put it in context and address issues one bite at a time.
- I have asked my friend and my wife to be my 'mood barometers' and invite them to be straight with me if they're worried. In return I promise to tell the truth and not dodge the question.
I guess that idea of hope is my main message: there is hope to get out of the pain. Surrendering to people who know what they're doing with trauma, especially rape like ours is essential. This can get better for you.
One last thing: I always thought it would be a weakness if I told anyone. That I should be able to just suck it up and be strong. That was pure bullshit. We who survive, live with, and confront our mental illness are the strongest, most courageous mother&*%ers on the planet.
Go for it. It's worth going for.
