General (His work is) “like a war“ metaphorically spoken

[Never_falter2]

Yesterday my guy was feeling down and he said that he felt that his work was “like a war“ not literally, but metaphorically spoken. His problem is that he always feels responsible for other people and he feels afraid that they die. That is true for me, our kids, his friends. He is afraid all of us are gonna die (because we are so irresponsible and cannot watch our ourselves, will ride bycicles without a helmet and leave the house on a winter day without taking a coat). It is also true for people at his work.
Actually his work and that of those working under him is not dangerous at all. The only way to not survive it is probably to commit suicide or to die from being overworked... but to him this feels like a war and it feels to him that those working under him are in mortal danger... and actually he is afraid they will commit suicide because of his poor leadership. He told me yesterday. Not for the first time.
I always try to tell him that people rarely ever commit suicide because people at their work are ineffective leaders. It sounds crazy doesn’t it? My guy sort of believes it but then he sort of doesn’t. I mean on the one hand he agrees that I am right but on the other hand it still feels very scary for him... and that fear never leaves him. He just cannot stop feeling like this.
So he was very sad and I did not know what to do. I told him I was happy he talked to me about that feeling.

 

[Freida]

I told him I was happy he talked to me about that feeling.

This is what you do -- so good job! Having someone listen is a huge relief. Sometimes when I hear myself talking about crap it finally registers how idiotic some of my thoughts are. Doesn't change them - but at least I can hear it.

 

[Never_falter2]

I do think he knows that it is “idiotic“ to have that thoughts but that doesn’t change how he feels. He was literally shaking because that fear was so bad... so I told him I was happy he talked to me about the feeling because often he doesn’t not... especially in the past he nearly never did but now he sometimes does but often doesn’t... I told him that this is a very bad fear but fortunately not very realistic.

This is a fear he has been having for a long time. I am not sure how often he feels like this but I fear that he feels like this a lot.
It actually sometimes makes him feel suicidal too because it is a very bad feeling.

 

[hithere]

It sounds so similar to what I have, which is "OCD concerning responsibility" it's so irrational yet feels so, so real. I get the suicidal part-the fear is so real and terrifying. It's so hard to get out of sometimes but using the classic cbt tool, "Pie Chart of Responsibility" exercise does help me. It's found in the book, "Getting Over OCD: a 10 Step Workbook for Taking Back Your Life," by Jonathon S Abramowitz. When I opened the book and started reading I got such a relief, understanding this is "OCD" not "me" -- and I can't recommend the book enough to bring some relief from this suffering. It didn't take it away entirely, but the understanding and the and the tools brought so much relief. I lived with the work fear/dread "spikes" for years and years. what a relief this book brought me.

For me it does tie into the original traumas--but dealing with the traumas have gotten to a point of being impossible to deal with (for nwo). So Just dealing with the ocd issues at hand really helped my life--just learning what is keeping the cycles in place and the spikes, etc. (and as a result improved my spouses' life since they have live with me) Best Wishes.

 

[scout86]

His problem is that he always feels responsible for other people and he feels afraid that they die.

It would be nice if we could actually keep the people we care about alive "just" by being perfectly responsible. In the real world, it turns out even that doesn't anyways work. But, believing you can actually control stuff is one way of avoiding the fact that you can't. (Which doesn't exactly justify taking stupid chances, BTW.)