I'm Bad At Introductions

[weordmyndum]

I'm anxious about posting here. I don't really know why; I've been in therapy for years, and my struggles are not really a secret anymore.

I'm Sara. I'm 24. I'm from Alabama but living in Massachusetts. I was formally diagnosed with Complex PTSD 5 years ago, though in retrospect I recognize it had been a problem for most of my life. I grew up in a family where sexual and emotional abuse were a part of life, and physical abuse happened from time to time. I was also sexually abused/assaulted as an adult.

I guess the reason it's hard for me to post an introduction here is that it makes me feel like I'm not even really a person. I'm just a jumble of disjointed, half-remembered events that don't even really make sense, and they certainly don't make a whole person.

What else can I say about myself? I write fiction and poetry, and I've been dabbling in memoir writing lately. I read a lot and like a wide variety of books. I love to knit, and I'm pretty sure I own more yarn than clothes. I drink way too much Diet Coke and watch too much sci-fi.

That's really it, I guess. Hi.

 

[spero]

Well, I am new here too. Unfortunately...I just typed a reply and it didn't appear to work..So, I will try again.

I understand not remembering things. I also have had that with a lot of my traumatic events. I think what scares me more is knowing there are things I have absolutely NO memory of, having been told things by family members...so, to me, it means that I will likely never know all of my triggers or be able to link reactions to events. I feel if I could, maybe I could handle things a bit better at times..but I know PTSD doesn't really work that way.

Have you been in therapy for your trauma? If so, have you found it helpful at all?

I tried over the years, but I was also really sick with an eating disorder for several years, so it got in the way of trauma work. I also was in such a traumatized state and dissociated that I couldn't really get anywhere with treatment for the trauma specifically. I kind of gave up a bit...well, more of just trying to focus on life and sometimes it works okay..other times, not so much..but I take it day by day.

I am doing better than I was, but things still sneak up on me and I still don't REALLY face my huge trauma issues/triggers. I kind of isolate a lot and avoid things that trigger me (which can be almost anything sometimes). It is not really how I thought life would be, but I also have no idea how it's 'supposed' to be.

 

[amethist]

Hi weordmyndum

Welcome to the forum.

You are a person in your own right, and your Introduction is just fine.

There are many members who started out feeling like you do now, but after a short time of being here amongst people who understand what it is like, you feel more at ease with posting replies and starting your own threads.

Maybe try and cut down or even out the "Diet Coke", the chemical sweeteners in it could be harmful to your recovery. I say this because I had to stop my sufferer drinking diet drinks and anything with chemical sweeteners in them. It made a difference within a week, Google "Aspartame and its effects to find out more.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[intothelight]

Hi Weordmyndum,

Glad you introduced yourself and have decided to join the forum. You are correct that an individual is much more than their traumas. This is a good place to be "ourselves".

Intothelight

 

[Iam]

Welcome Weordmyndum Spero,

I am glad you are here ;o) This is a good forum, with good people. You will find so much information here that will turn the light on of understanding yourself.

Many, if not most, of us have fragmented memories. Someone here and my T both said it is our minds way of protecting ourselves. We had 3 choices during a severe and or ongoing trauma; die, go insane or dissociate. My T has also told me that I don't have to work through each trauma to get healthier. Working thru one trauma may cover the effects of many similar ones. So, you are not alone here....there are many who understand, maybe understand you in a way that nobody ever has. It is comforting! Welcome!

Thanks Amethist for sharing about the diet drinks....I'll tell my friend with PTSD and check out the Crystal Light that my hubby and I drink too!

 

[weordmyndum]

Have you been in therapy for your trauma? If so, have you found it helpful at all?

I have been. I've actually been in and out of therapy since I was 5, but it's only over the past 4 or 5 years that I've been in therapy that's actually been helpful.

I worked for two and a half years with a therapist I really liked. She did EMDR and hypnosis and had a lot of experience working with trauma survivors. I found EMDR really helpful in processing memories that had started arising, and hypnosis helped soften the impact and help me establish an internal sense of safety.

I've spent the past two years working with a therapist who also has a lot of experience with trauma but takes a psychodynamic approach. I'm not constantly plagued by unwanted memories/flashbacks/dissociation as I was when I started working with my previous therapy, and psychodynamic therapy has been useful in figuring out the patterns in my family that I tend to re-enact in my own life, and it's also helped me begin to deal with the difficult emotions left over from the traumas, particularly the anger.

I tried over the years, but I was also really sick with an eating disorder for several years, so it got in the way of trauma work. I also was in such a traumatized state and dissociated that I couldn't really get anywhere with treatment for the trauma specifically. I kind of gave up a bit...well, more of just trying to focus on life and sometimes it works okay..other times, not so much..but I take it day by day.

I have a similar experience; when I started getting into deep trauma work, my ED and self-harm symptoms flared up and interrupted the work, and they eventually got so bad I went into residential treatment. I'm also trying to focus on being functional and getting back on my feet. If trauma issues come up, fine, I'll talk about trauma issues. But it's not the sole focus of my treatment.

 

[MsLadyT]

I think you did a great job at introducing yourself. I just posted and I blabbed on and on. You did great. I used to live in Massachussettes, and moved back to NC! Is it 'wicked' hot up there? It's hotter than a well, I can't think of any acceptable clean sayings...but its been terribly hot here lately.
I am glad to be here, and glad you are, and seems we have come to the right place.

 

[weordmyndum]

It's typical MA summer, I guess. Cold enough to wear a sweater one day, "wicked" hot and humid the next. (I still haven't gotten used to hearing "wicked" everything, even after having lived here for 2 years. It amuses me, though.)

 

[sarha]

Hi Sara:

welcome to the forum! I am new here myself. I thought you did a fine job introducing yourself, and I certainly identified with some of the things you shared in your posts. I love that you are a writer! (Me, too.)

I also was traumitized by sexual and emotional abuse in childhood, and my memories of it used to be a lot more fragmented (and some of them still are). EMDR has been a big help to me, as well as IFS (Internal Family Systems model). My current therapist is trained in both, and I feel like I've made the most progress since working with her.

Just wanted to say welcome, and hope you find this place a great support resource. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

take care