General High expectations of others: should I talk to him about it?

[Bananamango]

My friend with PTSD has high expectations of others, including me. It seems to cause most of the problems in our friendship—I don’t live up to one of his expectations and he gets irritated.

He ‘tests’ me at times apparently. A while ago, he told me he ‘tested’ me when he stopped communicating and he wanted to see if I gave him space (apparently I was supposed to just know to stop contact and I ‘failed’—this was when I didn’t know what I was dealing with). Note: I do now give him space (and have told him he needs to communicate when he needs space better—he says that he will, but his communication is generally poor and he avoids discussing problems). But I’m sure I’m still ‘tested’ at times.

He says he gets pissed off a lot at one of his best friends. It just seems he gets irritated by others’ behaviour a lot.

My question is: should I discuss that he has high expectations of me and others at all? (I have read this is really common.) Supporters, any advice on this? Have you had any experience with this? Is there any point if he’s unlikely to change? If you brought it up, did they recognize it at all? Or did it just make things worse?

I think he’s unhappy with himself and sometimes it seems like he might want to work on self improvement, but just wondering if pointing this out is going to badly backfire or if there is any point in doing so.

Thanks

 

[Chris-duck]

I think it really depends on the relationship you have with him. Some friends would be able to point this out to me (sufferer) n I'd deal n some I wouldn't. But even saying that, assuming you can speak to him about it and he can accept you're saying that, it doesn't necessarily mean he's going to also consider it an issue.

Question really is if he doesn't change that aspect of himself do you still want to be friends? It must be difficult being tested like that at times.

 

[blackemerald1]

It must be difficult being tested like that at times.

^Completely agree with @Chris-duck - What gives this 'friend' the right, the licence, the sheer front to test you about anything. You are a friend.... that's all! He is not your teacher/employer/father/or whatever.... you are a human and you are going to make mistakes.

This is weird... life/relationships etc are hard enough without constructing contrived circumstances or behaviours to test you for god's sake!! :wtf:

If he told me that he had tested me and I had failed... I'd leave him to his own purrfect standards lol...

 

[Sweetpea76]

Trust issues are a bitch. Sometimes it seems like you are always being tested. Not really fair at all. It’s hard to earn trust and sometimes it feels like a job.

 

[Freida]

Its a catch 22....
On one hand you call him out for his behavior and tell him to knock it off. Makes him appreciative and he thanks your for it so he can correct it
On the other hand he gets pissy and you can't win because you can't mind read - which is exactly what he wants you to do

Either way it's a lot of drama --- so I agree with the others. What does his friendship bring to YOUR life? PTSD relationships are a bitch at the best of times. If you aren't benefiting in a major way by having him in your life it's games you don't deserve to be forced to play

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with @Sweetpea76 @Freida and the others. Plus, it includes him expecting you to mind read, and you mind reading what he's thinking (cognitive distortion on both sides). PTSD is awful to deal with, but intentionally testing (anything) - that is just mind games, to me. And maybe could benefit from more honesty, better communication, and regard for you.

ETA, mind you, I have zero interest or energy in mind games, manipulation or controlling anyone else, I've got enough to fix within myself, so disregard if useless. I came back again to add something- and I only mean this for myself, it may not be relevant: I see relationships as feeling (from my part), "You owe me nothing, but I owe you everything". If I cannot feel that from my heart, the relationship does not bring out what is better within me. Trust is critical.

 

[Bananamango]

Question really is if he doesn't change that aspect of himself do you still want to be friends? It must be difficult being tested like that at times.

It is for sure.
I have thought about letting him go a few times definitely....
He’s a good guy with a good heart. I suspect there is childhood trauma accounting for some of the “testing” and mind games. It’s not been terrible, the good has always outweighed the bad by a wide margin. If that reverses, I’ll be gone. I don’t need that.
We had a good chat a few weeks ago where he agreed to be more communicative about his needs rather than just expecting me to know what his needs are. This is a new stage and I’ll know in the next while if he is able to follow through. If not, and I’m left guessing all the time (and failing!) I may have to let him go.

^Completely agree with @Chris-duck - What gives this 'friend' the right, the licence, the sheer front to test you about anything. You are a friend.... that's all! He is not your teacher/employer/father/or whatever.... you are a human and you are going to make mistakes.

This is weird... life/relationships etc are hard enough without constructing contrived circumstances or behaviours to test you for god's sake!! :wtf:

Yeah, I know, it's pretty horrible. I'm surprised myself I've sort of forgiven him for it....I hate game playing and always have. My husband never played games, even early on, and that's one of the many reasons I married him!
I think he thinks he is helping me in some way by telling me what I'm doing wrong...
He says he hates drama, yet he creates it a lot.

Either way it's a lot of drama --- so I agree with the others. What does his friendship bring to YOUR life? PTSD relationships are a bitch at the best of times. If you aren't benefiting in a major way by having him in your life it's games you don't deserve to be forced to play

I mentioned in an earlier reply--he says he hates drama but he creates it a lot. Of all friendships I've ever had, this has definitely been the most tumultuous. We have a really nice friendship going and I enjoy having him in my life, then I do something that upsets him or isn't up to his standards (and often is something silly, or just a miscommunication or misunderstanding that he doesn't want to discuss because he avoids all problems) and we go through a bit of a rough patch. It's a bit cyclical and fortunately has been way less frequent (a few times a year vs every other month). As I understand him a little better, it's been easier. And he has said he will try to communicate more. We'll see how it goes.... I see he's a good person and don't want to have to say bye, but if it gets to a point I'm getting destroyed, I'll have to.