Memory question

[sunshinedaydream]

When my therapist tells me something that I’m struggling to believe I can’t remember him telling me. (He has told me twice that children aren’t to blame for CSA)...
Both times I remember trying to really listen and pay attention so I would be able to think about it later but then later I couldn’t remember it. I know he told me and I remember the fact that he did, but not what he said, what it looked like and sounded like when he said the words etc.
The second time he emailed me the words he said and I know it’s almost exactly what he said and I must remember it, but I don’t. I just know it happened.

The first time I thought maybe I dreamed it or made it up because I want him to tell me it isn’t my fault.

I email in between sessions and I have emailed lots of times saying I feel like it’s my fault and sometimes saying I wish I knew for sure. I just wish I could remember him saying it because I think it would really make me feel a lot more relieved. But maybe it was my fault and that’s why I don’t remember him saying it.
But he did email me and say it can never be a child’s fault.
My memory is making me feel crazy.

 

[Ronin]

There is a lot more to crazy than not remembering things, even if not remembering is frustrating, I hear ya.

I think it will ease up the more you hear the same message.

 

[Sideways]

I know them feels.

Hopefully your T will keep repeating it, at safe intervals. It’s important, but it’s also really confronting. One of the main ways you’ve coped up till this point is for believing the exact opposite. Brain is trying to keep you safe by discarding information that threatens that belief system, or storing it out of reach.

Things like that change gradually.

Being aware in the moment when T is saying something that you know is having that effect? I used to sometimes get my T to stop, get a piece of paper and write it down. Seeing it in my T’s handwriting rather than mine was less confronting, but something I could come back to when I felt safe.

From there, I started writing things down in my own handwriting. That took more work, because I couldn’t dismiss it as the crazy ideas of someone else who “just didn’t understand me right”. I’d written the words down myself.

It’s a slow process changing core beliefs like that. Our mind has a lot of different ways it protects those beliefs, in an effort to keep us safe. Recognising that when it comes up is really awesome insight to have, especially so quickly. Give yourself a high five for noticing, and even coming back to it here.

Because your T is right. It may feel completely foreign or nonsensical of frightening (for me, frightening came a lot later). What happened to you? Was wrong. It was exactly what your T said. Being able to sit with that is friggin awesome (high five if you’re up for it:) ).

 

[bebite]

That sounds like dissociation to me. I wouldn't worry about it, it's natural considering what you're discussing. When I feel like I'm really not absorbing things in therapy I try to stop and talk about something else so it doesn't get worse. Usually when it happens to me it's because I feel misunderstood or overwhelmed, maybe it's the same for you?

 

[sunshinedaydream]

Thank you. Very helpful even if I am so confused and such a terrible wreck.

 

[Keming]

i'd chalk it up to stress. stress impairs cognition and memory. you're not crazy or inattentive. you just have ptsd.

good work w/ therapy. it can be rough.

 

[Deanna]

My therapist calls her meme or Amy. She's the one will distract and laugh at you, if I'm not wrong. I believe she taking it out of the book"The body keeps the score", or maybe she's not. It's hard at times for me to follow her too. ( hence, why I'm there) Therapist is a woman. Yay!

 

[TruthSeeker]

I have a part of me that doesn’t want to hear certain things. So I forget, can’t make it out- not clearly, or it sounds jumbled. If I can’t hear it-my brain can’t store it- same if I’m dissociative. Not really all of me is there to connect the dots so to speak.

 

[Deanna]

I know them feels.

Hopefully your T will keep repeating it, at safe intervals. It’s important, but it’s also really confronting. One of the main ways you’ve coped up till this point is for believing the exact opposite. Brain is trying to keep you safe by discarding information that threatens that belief system, or storing it out of reach.

Things like that change gradually.

Being aware in the moment when T is saying something that you know is having that effect? I used to sometimes get my T to stop, get a piece of paper and write it down. Seeing it in my T’s handwriting rather than mine was less confronting, but something I could come back to when I felt safe.

From there, I started writing things down in my own handwriting. That took more work, because I couldn’t dismiss it as the crazy ideas of someone else who “just didn’t understand me right”. I’d written the words down myself.

It’s a slow process changing core beliefs like that. Our mind has a lot of different ways it protects those beliefs, in an effort to keep us safe. Recognising that when it comes up is really awesome insight to have, especially so quickly. Give yourself a high five for noticing, and even coming back to it here.

Because your T is right. It may feel completely foreign or nonsensical of frightening (for me, frightening came a lot later). What happened to you? Was wrong. It was exactly what your T said. Being able to sit with that is friggin awesome (high five if you’re up for it:) ).

Great reminder that I need to start writing what therapist says down on paper.

 

[katz]

Great reminder that I need to start writing what therapist says down on paper.

I have a journal that goes back for decades! Writing everything down is the "only" way for me to remember things. I often have to go back and re-read it. FYI, always write it out by hand. It helps to believe that it is "you" that is remembering it - not someone else who has just typed up something and given it to you. Also, as your journal gets longer, you will notice a change in your own handwriting. I was amazed at how many different ways I could write. I think that each of mine is a different "person" in me that is remembering something. Some are an adult and some are clearly a child. Best of luck to you.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I have a journal that goes back for decades! Writing everything down is the "only" way for me to remember things. I often have to go back and re-read it. FYI, always write it out by hand. It helps to believe that it is "you" that is remembering it - not someone else who has just typed up something and given it to you. Also, as your journal gets longer, you will notice a change in your own handwriting. I was amazed at how many different ways I could write. I think that each of mine is a different "person" in me that is remembering something. Some are an adult and some are clearly a child. Best of luck to you.

Yep-my journal writing is a messed up soup sandwich-handwriting changes, too.