Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Just gotta breeeeeeathe. I’m not even dying. Who knew I could handle dying people and life threatening situations better than my mom’s stupid finances? Kind of hilarious if you think about it. I wish I could sleep. It’s been weeks since I could sleep. My back hurts so much and so does my soul or whatever that thing is. Looks like I’ll have to tackle all the research AGAIN. I’ll have to do EVERYTHING.

I better not be like this when I’m older. Im going to be so mad if I find myself in financial shit because of someone else. SO angry. Can’t trust people.

 

[littleoc]

Why do I have such anger about all this and my sister is okay with this? Is it because it’s affecting me directly? My new therapist won’t really listen to me. She’s only allowed to talk to me for 45 minutes at a time, though, so it makes sense.

 

[littleoc]

Anxiety attack issues solved, I think. But it’s 2am and I’m in the middle of a road and Nestle was supposed to be on her stress relief walk but now she’s doing service dog tasks. Guess I don’t need to feel bad about that, though. Got a good cry in and my thoughts have stopped racing. Now I can try to sleep. After I get home. Nestle’ll probably drag me straight home when I finally get up. Or maybe she won’t. I get the feeling that she hates it there too.

At least my mom loves us. It could be worse. I’m still resentful but it could be worse.

 

[littleoc]

I have dog hairs on my face. I could probably sell them for billions.

Genuine Lucky Good Girl Hairs

 

[littleoc]

I can’t. I can’t sleep. I can’t calm down. I need to try to sleep but it’s nearly 7am. It would be best to try before my body falls apart or I start hallucinating or something. I need to go somwhere. I wish I could afford a hospital. I’m so angry at my mother. It’s completely unfair that I’ve been dragged into this. And I hate myself for saying it but I don’t. I don’t even know the words I’m looking for. I just want to sleep. I want to scream at her. And don’t tell me I should. Won’t do a thing. I’m so tired.

 

[littleoc]

The last time I was this unwell I was cutting myself and using to get my dad exposed and sent to jail. No adults were helping. Dad didn’t even end up in jail. I didn’t know it at the time but my grandparents did something to prevent him from being sent to jail. I don’t know if that’s really true. The point is that back then I went into psychosis and thought the lies around Brandi were real and I ended up in an even worse situation than my dad somehow. The point is that I’m not sure if I’m going to get a job in time. I think I might be too unwell but don’t like that. I was supposed to be in a lab job by now. It all got screwed up and I don’t have a way to fix it because the government can’t know about where I live. Hard to work for the government if they can’t know where you live. My case manager isn’t helping. The problem is my mom. I can’t do this.

 

[littleoc]

I really need sleep. What can I take to knock me the f*ck out?

 

[littleoc]

@joeylittle Do you know of any way someone could go to a hospital with a service dog and not go into massive debt if they are uninsured? If you’d have to research that and it’d take up more than five minutes then don’t worry about it. When I calm down I think I’ll be able to look.

 

[somerandomguy]

@littleoc - I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.

The problem is my mom.

I'm glad you realize this!

 

[somerandomguy]

If you need to go to the hospital, just do it. Please don't worry about finances. It's likely the hospital will write it off, but even if not, YOU are more important than worrying about money.

 

[littleoc]

I'm glad you realize this!

She didn’t even plan anything. She’s been telling me every week for the last seven months that we’re quickly running out of money, and she went and spent it in random shit and then kept saying it was the last splurge. She’s f*cking had time to do something and she waited until she literally ran out of money to do anything? How am I supposed to do school, drink water, keep my animals fed? I saved a lot of money specifically for my animals and now I don’t know what to do.

I just realized I can’t go to a hospital. Unrealistic. My pets will probably die if I leave them with my mom. Snake might be okay. Cat’s litter won’t get done. I can’t afford another bill right now. I might loose all my furniture in storage. I was never able to unpack from when I moved in last year.

 

[littleoc]

I think I’m calming down now. I’m sorry. I keep having panic attacks. My head is killing me and the month(? Or whatever?) of Sleep I havdnt gotten is messing me up.