Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

No Sleep again, but that’s okay. I found a bag of peanut M&Ms and went crazy. :D

 

[littleoc]

I’m glad I’m at least getting a few hours here and there. My concentration is understandably poor right now and this is probably fueling a vicious cycle of emotional roller coaster, but at least I’m not hallucinating.

One time in high school (about eight years ago, when I was a sophomore) this hapoened. I was very triggered. Some girl offered to follow me home to kill me and meanwhile Brandi was abusing me. I couldn’t sleep at all and my mom thought I was being paranoid (it might have been true). I knew something was up when, in the cafeteria at lunch, I very clearly saw a golden retriever trot into the building through a closed door, hop down into the dining room, look me dead in the eyes, and then shake off and run into the gym — disappeared on the way to it, though. That was the same year I ended up paralyzed at the table (even my breathing was beginning go stop without my control). My mom didn’t get me medical help either time, for some reason. I’m not going to attempt to understand while I’m this tired, though, lol.

My typing seems fine. I think my brain is coping. I need to get re-regulated soon, though. Maybe I should file for disability? I’d really rather work, though.

 

[somerandomguy]

What would it take for you to get re-regulated?

 

[littleoc]

Also the same year I saw Brandi kill herself in the school’s nonfunctional shower stall, though. Which I knew while watching wasn’t real. I have no idea what thatcwas, still. I do know that when I told Brandi about it (yeah, I knew where she was and everything, so I wasn’t completely out of my mind — even while watching it I knew it wasn’t right, so it disappeared after I closed the stall door), brandi was so excited about it that she wanted me to show her where I saw it and describe it. It was kind of weird. I would normally forgive it because she was like 15 at the time, and I thought she thought I was playing a game — but that “game” was too serious by then and also NONE of the other students would have found that exciting in any watch at all.

I’m really glad I miraculously healed from that without professional assistance or medications. My mom basically told me to hide it. I did. I’m not sure why it mattered though, since the first time I told her was against my will by the hospitals forcing me, and so it was already in my medical history that the trauma SERIOUSLY got to me. Very seriously.

I’m glad though. That one hospital that almost killed me, which my mom doesn’t know about, used it against me as much as they could. I know that sounds paranoid, but itll have tobe left like that, because I don’t feel like talking about it, haha.

 

[littleoc]

I’m not positive, @somerandomguy. I’m playing a lot of video games to ground and I think that’s helping. There is the blue light filter on the screen, but I’m sure it’s a bit much for my brain at night. My new therapist gave me a sheet on grounding... I’m almost positive this therapist has never had a patient with PTSD before.

I think the sugar from the peanut M&Ms helped. Might go buy a bag of rice and can of beans. That sounds great right now, lol. Maybe some peas, too.

 

[littleoc]

Walking the dog. I’m not sure if yoga will help or hurt right now. I suppose I could go and then say I had to leave early later if I need to? Nestle hasn’t let me out of her sight for a while so imnsure she could help. The people there pet her without asking sometimes, though. I need to practice the discussion of “please don’t pet” in Spanish to help prevent that. It might be actually dangerous today if someone does, though.

 

[littleoc]

I spent some time with my pets today. I am not sure how well I took care of them the last week, so I took my time today to feed them, water them, and clean their environments. Even the snake appreciated it. He is a very friendly snake :D I also took my cat to the vet, and as of tonight he no longer smells infected. It was $130, though, so that’s a bummer. Eating into my emergency fund a bit there. I’m really glad I have that. I definitely don’t regret taking him, though, and I’m glad I got all his vaccinations done already.

 

[littleoc]

A grocery store near the synagogue (which is forty minutes from my home) scheduled an interview with me finally. Wish me luck tomorrow :) I hope I sound in my right mind, lol

 

[MrMoonlight]

Good luck! I know you will do great.

 

[LuckiLee]

Do you have a Home Depot near you? They hire people with service dogs.

Good luck on your interview!!

 

[littleoc]

Thank you :D

And yeah; they’re actually on my list of people to apply to next, lol. @LuckiLee So that’s cool to know.

I’m wondering if I should have someone drive me to it, but I’m not sure I WANT my mom driving me there. But in the driveway before yoga, I think I zoned out or something because I ran right into my mom’s car :I No marks on it, though, which is nice. Oof. The drive to yoga was fine. Nestle kept talking to me during yoga. It was pretty cute tho so I just let it be cute instead of letting her do any tasks. (She knows to wait if I’m trying to work through it myself. My hope is that I eventually won’t need her help at all.)

 

[littleoc]

Wait, no, I got preoccupied with whether some birds were real or not. Like that should be my priority while driving a giant metal box at thirty miles an hour lol

I think I’m good tho. I’m pretty sure they were plastic crows