The legend of zencat

[ChildofGod]

Thank you Freida for your great recommendations. Edmr does help. Thanks.

 

[ChildofGod]

Finally positive news! I've pieced together a few things that I never have before. I'm not feeding my fear when I try to remember things.

I feel so much better than I have in forever. I don't wish to post the details, but I did want to share "my news".

I finally feel hope again. I'm really sick of feeling like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. Lmao.

I can't take it anymore. Must bathe soon.

 

[ChildofGod]

Wishes I could burrow into the ground as a squirrel. ?

 

[ChildofGod]

I forgot about one other time I was taken against my will. It was weird, or maybe I don't remember everything, but it was like they kidnapped me to party with them. They were in a van, and then I was in an RV and the guy didn't let me leave or use the bathroom.
Granted I was wasted, but that doesn't mean that I deserved that.

 

[Freida]

Granted I was wasted, but that doesn't mean that I deserved that.

This is huge! You are right -- you didn't deserve it.

 

[Teasel]

Heart goes out to you @Zencat :hug:
I had periods of being overweight and not bathing thinking it might keep me safe. In the end though I realised abusers don't care about that.
Wishing you the very best for working on PTSD and learning stuff like coping techniques that don't make you vulnerable to further abuse.
Welcome to the forum :)

 

[ChildofGod]

Thank you both very much. I'm sorry Berlinda, abusers don't care about any of that stuff.

I've been reading on ritual abuse, pretty sure that I was ritually abused. I saw a list of things that I could relate to, also I have my drawings from when I was a kid.

I don't like the stars and witches that I drew. Also, eluded that my mom was a witch in my drawings as well.

The only good thing is I realize that is what some or a huge part of my abuse was.

Fairly horrifying to know, the.

Things make more sense. My fears, phobias and behaviors or responses.

 

[ChildofGod]

An incident that happened earlier this year probably triggered memories of RA. (ritual abuse) I guess I shouldn't be surprised by how inherently evil some people are. I had no control over who adopted me or how I would be treated.

I feel physically ill. I bet this is one of my deepest darkest fears come true.

I am not responsible for my mother's actions. She had complete and total control over me.

What I ate, or didn't eat, because I was starving.

Any money I made, she took

She dressed me up age inappropriately.

I'm just venting.

 

[Freida]

Vent away --- this is the place to do it! :hug:
And no -- you are not responsible for anything she, or others, did to you.

 

[ChildofGod]

I am a survivor of ritual abuse. I choose life and to live, to experience it and not see it as a bad sentence anymore. No more programming for me! I'm starting to thrive.

 

[ChildofGod]

I am sick and tired of being scared, petrified, and the like. I would say that my mother doesn't want me to sleep or feel safe or be clean.

My cat, I've had over 10 years, scared me tonight. I freaked out because he wouldn't leave my room and I needed to change.

I'm just a walking, talking ball of mush. I know I'm not helpless, but I feel like it.

Now I feel I can't reach out, because I'm afraid they'll say something to program me about.

I'm a human being, I matter.

 

[ChildofGod]

I can't tell if my behavior is too paranoid now or not. It wouldn't be hard for my mom "to keep programming me", if she is.

The SRA stuff was the justification for hurting me in every possible human way. (CSA, SRA, starvation, neglect, her exploiting me and my sibling, and anyone else she's hurt.)

I know that my mom has always had control or even complete control over me.

I'm also remembering vague details about someone I used to know. I don't remember how I met him, but I had the memory of him completely hidden for a long time.

I'm guessing that I can finally handle whatever transpired between us.