Childhood confusion over abuse

[Pauline]

Hey guys so I am really struggling at the moment with everything I am struggling with my self harm i don't know how many people on here deal with this issue, I am also struggling with knowing who my abuser is, for starters I thought it was my dad but he asked me to stop self harming and seems to genuinly care, I dont know why my body feels like a young child after my memory loss incident I know i was abused but don't know by who. I am seeing my new therapist on Monday and I am seriously nervous going back into therapy he is a trauma therapist and I have been holding everything in for so long.

I have borderline personality disorder dissociative identity disorder and complex ptsd on top of that I live with a heart condtion all I want is to know what happened to me to heal my abuse and to start the journey of healing this seems like an almost impossible task.

Anyways does anyone else have these experiences from sexual abuse unrecalled could it be possible to shed some light I am doing my best not to self harm but I miss it like crazy, I want to hurt myself and I think I might mention this to him I have this yearning to hurt my body and I find it so unfair that I can't not sure what he would think on that one, i hope this person is on the right path with me and agrees with me because my psychatrist said that people normally disclose abuse which I believe is wrong so i hope my new therapist can help me with mine.

 

[Kubash16]

I’m so sorry :hug:. I’m not totally sure on what similar experiences you are looking for. But I think I can relate to your experience in two different ways.

First, I dissociated a lot as a kid. A significant amount of my trauma memories are only the beginnings and then they randomly cut off and I don’t technically know what happens after, though I can guess.

Second, there were a couple of incidents that I genuinely don’t know the identity of all who were involved. What’s hard is I now live in the same are that it happened and I could easily be in the same stores as people who hurt me and would never know it.

So I get it. :hug: you aren’t alone.

 

[Justmehere]

The not knowing clearly can be really hard. You don’t have to remember what happened to find safe relief and improvement. Glad you are seeing a trauma therapist. They will hopefully begin working with you on skills to manage symptoms and self injury and feeling safe enough in the therapeutic relationships and over time work through the confusion and pain about the past. You are right that many people don’t disclose abuse.

 

[joeylittle]

I dont know why my body feels like a young child after my memory loss incident I know i was abused but don't know by who.

I think it's really good you're starting with a trauma therapist- and hopefully they can help you untangle this.

Forgive me if you've answered this before - but can you share more about where your certainty (of the abuse) comes from?