Sufferer A “new normal" post-trauma, or can I get back to where I was?

[Ronin]

leaving the perpetrators helpless....and out of the picture.

While totally a fan of taking action and thinking of own strengths & defenses...

I would be wary of this.
First the assuming anyone else is helpless & depending on you,
Second assuming they are, meantime, just so totally terrified of you,
Thirdly, assuming they will do nothing in the mean time,
Fourthly all victories are yours, hurr hurr, no worry.

You can work on anger & helplessness issues yourself, without taking the opposite unrealistic extreme that sounds more like wishful thinking, than being ready.

 

[mamachick]

I did take legal action and once put on notice, Im sure there was some squirming on their part. However, legal stuff takes years. To be honest, it wore me down and drained me. So there was some justice, Im not sure that it was worth it on my health. I lost about 25 pounds and weakened my immune system. I also obsessed along the way....you kind have have to with legal issues coming about constantly. Due to decline in health, I will likely never work again. Its been a decade (3 yrs since justice) and I am just now to the point that I can enjoy things at all. Mine felt so horrible I just couldn't let go though and was like a bulldog.

 

[Meredith Grant]

For me, getting back to what I thought was normal was always my main goal. When I first went to my T the words that kept flying out of my mouth were “I just want my old life back” and “I refuse to let anything else be taken from me”. I was dead set on being the person I was before. It wasn’t until I let it be okay that this might have changed me as a person that I was able to start being okay with myself and the sucky situation that I was in. For me, trying to get back to my old life was just unneeded pressure and I’ve come to find that I have a new sense of “normal” to strive for. I’m a different person now so my normal is going to look different than my before normal. But in no way is my “new normal” the lows that I have or the super intense PTSD symptoms. I get glimpses here and there when I’m in a good place of what the new normal that I’m striving for will feel like. It’s not any worse it’s just different. I don’t know if that made any sense but that’s my experience with this as I struggled really badly with this question as well.

 

[blackemerald1]

depending on how well things go.

^That is the big issue... how well things go!!
Believe me... things can go bad, no litigation is guaranteed to come out the way you expect or want it.

.Assuming... that seeking legal action does NOT cause a shitstorm (assaults, home invasions, rapes, threats to life -your own and those dear to you- attempts on your life or the lives of those around you, destruction of property, arson, stalking, blah blah blah. The standard asshole persuasion toolkit). <<< If THAT’S the case? x1000. Easily. Incalculable, also easily.

^And this!! There are no depths thus far reached that even 'Corporate entities' are not willing to go. Do not be deceived... at the top, middle and bottom of these organisations are humans who will try and resolve the prospect of losing their wealth/employment etc by derailing you one way or the other. Be careful.

.so I'd go after the corporate entity for the maliciousness of its agents under a theory of vicarious liability.

^Sounds really legal and I understand what it means... but beware... that doesn't mean it cannot leave you broke and broken at the end of that delightful legal proposition... sigh...read jargon.

On the other hand, I obsess over it, get amped when I think about it, and find myself perpetually enraged at them, so it's made my symptoms worse too.

^Yes... I lived with my Court cases for almost twenty years before they were heard. I don't want to go into me, because this is about you. But I think if someone had taken my then 'youthful' passion about the terrible wrong that was perpetuated against me and my children... and said hey.... this is going to consume a whole part of your life, the way you live it and it is going to take over a quarter of your life that you will NEVER get back... plus all of the fear, uncertainty, money, publicity and blah, blah... I, with a sliver of sober reflection would have said STOP!!!! Aaaargh....

And I would have been a better person for stopping it. I would have prevented so much further damage. Not been ripped apart so badly and repeatedly and been so incredibly damaged by the "justice" that everyone agreed I deserved but never saw. Because there is no justice in the end. Not really. There isn't!! I was still broken, more broken and nobody can give you back your life, time, your health or any of that valuable stuff.

I hear you whisper....money.....Ok... money... if you want money that is completely different from Justice...and retribution.... completely another topic. But it's not Justice!

So..save your passion, your time, your life and do something with it aside from letting a legal system bleed you...
Sorry... I've just vented. :oops:

 

[mamachick]

Blackemerald- exactly what you said. At the end, broken in so many ways. Many organizations pay big legal fees to run a person thru the mud, bury you in paperwork, challenge every word, etc. It would break a non damaged person.

 

[Friday]

And in so doing, leaving the perpetrators helpless....and out of the picture. In other words, if I pursue the legal remedy available to me, I leave them totally defenseless to exact retribution. Of course, it's not entirely risk-free for me, but these people would not be able to retaliate against me. Since I've put them on notice that I'm still alive, pissed, and fully able to pursue action against the corporate entity they represent, I KNOW for a fact that they wake up each morning wondering if today's the day I'll drop the hammer, and they feel relief at the end of business day that I haven't (and I bet they feel that dread every weekday during business hours). I've given them a taste of what it's like to be helpless, anxious, furious (all the things I felt when I was in a situation I could not dictate).

What are your thoughts given the above?

I’d say you’re already neck deep in hot water...

...because you have constructed fantasies about what they’re thinking/feeling, which is something like a mile past even “just” being emotionally invested, which is dangerous territory (in law) to begin with.

The all-powerful destroyer of worlds fantasies are probably less destructive to you in the short term than if they were fantasies about how they’re plotting their revenge against you, but I have no idea how they’ll affect you in the long term. Or what the fallout will be once they’re no longer relevant (you win/lose). If they’ll just be replaced, or leave a gaping hole, or flip around. I’d really strongly suggest working closely with a good therapist during a court case, regardless, but since you’re this invested I’d personally recommend making that a nonnegotiable element in your life until about 6mo after the end of this thing. (Trauma victims are notorious for suiciding at the end of court cases. More often if they win in my bestie’s experience (trial attorney). Midway through is also common. But she doesn’t breathe easy until 1 year later. Immediately after & in the 6month slump are when people usually do it.

I know for a fact that going to court is hugely cathartic & a great thing in many people’s lives. That’s just not my personal experience, and from observation it appears to be the rare exception. Court is brutal for most people with stress disorders, and even many -if not most- without.

 

[NicW]

[QUOTE="

Is that the experience of most here? That we're simply just *different* after a traumatic event? I'm not terribly happy with where I'm at, though I've made progress, even over the last couple of months. I'd be very curious to hear thoughts on this.......thanks for reading.[/QUOTE]

Hi, Atticus -

I would add two things to the thread:

First: I believe that we can be better than before a trauma, especially with past trauma that we have been concealing or stuffing away for a long time. The insidious damage changes us, but we can also change ourselves for the better with the best path of therapy and learning and introspection that works for us as individuals.

Second: There is ample evidence that trauma actually changes us physiologically in a wide number of ways. There is a great book available online that tells this story; I highly recommend it: Dead Link Removed

I hope you find the path that works for you.

- Nic

 

[Justmehere]

Have you consulted legal counsel about the strengths of the case and the emotional and financial costs of pursuing it?

Testified against my perp and an enabler. The case against them was won... This is very true:

Trauma victims are notorious for suiciding at the end of court cases. More often if they win in my bestie’s experience (trial attorney). Midway through is also common. But she doesn’t breathe easy until 1 year later. Immediately after & in the 6month slump are when people usually do it.

Nothing about the legal case against them being won brought any peace and it did not bring me my old life back. It was pursued because it had to be, and that’s that. But it absolutely did not restore back to me my old life. I would not recommend going into any legal situation remotely related to trauma with recovery or happiness tied up in the outcome. The fact that it may be a good case doesn’t eliminate the possibility of retaliation. In fact, if all they have is to try to destroy you as their only defense... they may pursue it in ways you never imagined. Being a company, they probably don’t think much of it and if you file, they will pass it on to lawyers, possibly insurance covered lawyers, and your case is not their only case, but one of hundreds, and they don’t nearly have the emotional investment because they were not victimized, and should they lose, they will simply go on to the next case. For you, it’s your one case, so you are going to be more caught up in it. And right now, your desire for revenge could tank even a solid case in ways you don’t expect.

I strongly suggest pouring some of the obsessive energy into building a support team and seeking counsel about the pros and cons of a legal case against whomever these folks were that allowed trauma to happen.

 

[mamachick]

What Blackemeral and Friday rings true for me. I cant say it felt like justice though a monetary settlement was made. It consumes your life, you become buried in paperwork, every aspect of yourself is attacked by defense. In the end, you cant get the time back. Once settled it is not over. I believe its true that suicidal thoughts become the strongest. The processed was very re-traumatizing.

 

[mamachick]

Have you consulted legal counsel about the strengths of the case and the emotional and financial costs of pursuing it?

Testified against my perp and an enabler. The case against them was won... This is very true:

Nothing about the legal case against them being won brought any peace and it did not bring me my old life back. It was pursued because it had to be, and that’s that. But it absolutely did not restore back to me my old life. I would not recommend going into any legal situation remotely related to trauma with recovery or happiness tied up in the outcome. The fact that it may be a good case doesn’t eliminate the possibility of retaliation. In fact, if all they have is to try to destroy you as their only defense... they may pursue it in ways you never imagined. Being a company, they probably don’t think much of it and if you file, they will pass it on to lawyers, possibly insurance covered lawyers, and your case is not their only case, but one of hundreds, and they don’t nearly have the emotional investment because they were not victimized, and should they lose, they will simply go on to the next case. For you, it’s your one case, so you are going to be more caught up in it. And right now, your desire for revenge could tank even a solid case in ways you don’t expect.

I strongly suggest pouring some of the obsessive energy into building a support team and seeking counsel about the pros and cons of a legal case against whomever these folks were that allowed trauma to happen.

Great Advice

 

[Atticus]

Appreciate the replies, but I can't say I agree with all of them.

I'm an experienced litigator, so it's relatively easy to commence a lawsuit should I decide to do so. No consultations necessary, no retainer agreements to sign, no "revenge fantasies." Second, as a seasoned litigator, I have a good idea of what to expect, so the idea of offing myself is out of the question. Third, not to say that that's the case here, but someone seling t-shirts online can form an LLC-- just because it's a corporate entity (which is simply a legal designation....a penumbra of rights, so to speak)-- doesn't mean much to me. And fourth, a tort was committed against me, and now I have to deal with a constellation of PTSD-symptoms. Am I the only one who thinks this is a massive deal?

Do these facts change the analysis?

 

[NicW]

I'm an experienced litigator, so it's relatively easy to commence a lawsuit should I decide to do so. No consultations necessary, no retainer agreements to sign, no "revenge fantasies." Do these facts change the analysis?

Weighing in with two comments here:
1 - There some old catchphrase about the lawyer who has himself as the client... ;) ... and...

2 - Re: "will I ever get back to where I was...?" Immediately, my brain went to: why the hell would you want to? Every one of us has a different story, a different trauma, and different paths out. Mine started when I was seven, and lasted seven or eight years. I'm 63 now and entered treatment last November - and never EVER want to go back to either those early years, nor the ensuing ones which were almost as damaging.

I'll add this about feeling 'fuzzy' - every step along the treatment path puts me into deep introspection about what I'm learning, how trauma created an impact, what it has cost me, and how I will move forward from here. After decades of pain and the incredible crisis that was last November - this process is the single most important things in my head. I can understand the feeling of being distracted; to enter the process of recovery is to face a workload of it's own.

I can share from my experience that it gets better. Were it not for a friend who disclosed her own mental illness last year - and promised me there was hope - I'm certain I would have killed myself.

Am I 'done' yet? Not hardly; a lot of undoing needs attention. Am I better for giving up all hope of a better past and looking to the future. Absolutely.