Supporter Survivor’s wife .... new here

[G-9]

New here.... consuming as much information as I can. My husband is in crisis. 2 months ago he told me he had been sexually abused by his stepfather as a kid. And others in his immediate family as well
A week later I found out he was cheating on me while out of town for work. Since that catastrophic weekend we have been on a roller coaster. 20 years of marriage, two kids and a beautiful life we made together and it all came crumbling down.
The affair he had was a symptom- I know that
He is making the effort to heal, we are going to counseling. He is taking an anxiety med and has seen a trauma therapist once. With a follow up appointment and potentially emdr therapy in the future
Every day is a struggle. His panic and anxiety can be debilitating. He speaks frequently about not being comfortable at home. When we talk about this he has trouble articulating what that means.
He says he loves me but not sure if he’s in love with me. That he feels numb and he’s consumed by his own thoughts.
There’s so much I don’t even know where to start or stop.
We try to be intimate but he has what seems to be a physiological response when he climaxes. Like he ends up in the fetal position regretting what’s happened and apologizing and just going dark.
My role currently is of support. Unconditionally.
I want nothing more that for him to find peace
Any advice and support would be so appreciated

 

[bellbird]

Welcome, @G-9 . There is plenty of support to be found here :) though I'm sorry for what has happened that led you to finding us.

The affair he had was a symptom- I know that

I disagree. The affair was a choice.

I'm a sufferer myself, but I have seen many a supporter come here and make excuses for their sufferer's behaviour on the basis of PTSD.
It's important to value yourself; don't let yourself accept any behaviour that you wouldn't if PTSD wasn't involved.

You see -- the anger I sometimes feel about the things my ex did to me: that is a symptom.
If I throw a chair through a window as an attempt to relieve that anger? that is a choice.
Big difference.

When is his follow up trauma therapy appointment? And will he be having further appointments after that?
Trauma therapy is a long and challenging process, for sufferer and supporter.

If you decide to stick with it, it's important you build up your own resource toolkit, and a nice self-care routine also.
I hope you'll stick around and feel the same level of support from this place that I have.

 

[G-9]

Thank you, he’s waiting for the return call appointment And yes it will be a series of appointments not just one
I know it was a choice, And I have said those exact words to him. He acted on whatever that symptom was - you are absolutely right

 

[scout86]

Welcome to the forum. (It always feels weird to welcome people to a place you shouldn't have be. But, it's a good place, with good people and good resources. So "welcome")

Have you considered therapy for yourself? Preferably with someone who knows enough about trauma to help you sort through what's going on? This is going to be hard for you too and there's nothing wrong with getting some help with it.

 

[G-9]

Thank you for the welcome. This is not where I thought I would be at 46 and 20 year marriage ...
Looking back there were signs but I had no idea that what was dwelling was as dark as it is.
I wish I had been told or figured it out so much earlier on, now there are so many more layers and sometimes it just seems impenetrable
We go to therapy together a couple times a week and every few weeks I go alone. To the same counselor. I have been journaling and that helps as well.
Trying desperately not to take any of this personally. The affair and it’s effect on me has taken a back seat because of the need to stabilize our relationship.
Initially there were visits left panic attacks and a strong desire to leave on his part. It’s gotten a little better. The uncomfortableness that he describes when he’s home is challenging. I have been giving him space here in hopes that it deters him from needing to leave. We have two kids - a 16 year old boy and our daughter will be 13 she has epilepsy and special needs....
Our lives are full. I hold the weight of all of it - from the meetings at school, cook clean yard bills run a small business and the list goes on and on and on..... while I recognized that there were issues in the marriage and tried to address them over the years
I naively assumes that the older the kids got the focus would shift to us and we would be able to rekindle some of what was missing
Until the shit hit the fan
And his behaviors became more and more distant and short tempered and he was out of town for work non stop for 6 months....
The sexual abuse came out and a week later the affair
And here we are.... seemingly nowhere
I need support there’s no question
I’m grateful to have found this venue
And I’m so truly sooty and heartbroken that so many people are going through such pain?

 

[somerandomguy]

I naively assumes that the older the kids got the focus would shift to us and we would be able to rekindle some of what was missing

This is really, really common. Once the kids get older and there's more time to be sexual ... that's when it comes to the forefront for a lot of survivors.

You've come to the right place, though. There are a lot of supporters who can give you the benefit of their experience - a lot of survivors, too.

I am a male survivor of adult sexual abuse, and I was totally unable to be sexual with my wife for about five years. Not that I didn't try. But every time I did, I ended up curling into a ball, crying. I didn't know it was due to my abuse and irreparably harmed my marriage.

 

[G-9]

The other piece,, there are many. His step brother is pursuing legal action against stepfather due to law changes in ny state. So the abuse in the family directed at his brother I have always known, it’s been talked about over the years. His mother stayed with the man, he was part of our lives. Grandfather to our kids. The subject was raised over and over by family this past year and my husband never uttered the words - me too
Until he was so lost and distant that I asked directly.( again- I had asked before years ago)
And he folded in on himself.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I haven't read any of the replies so I applogize if any of this has already been said.

The affair he had was a symptom- I know that

Nope it wasn't and never will be! Don't excuse bad behavior because he has PTSD. PTSD doesn't make one cheat. It may make one want to cheat and/or think about cheating but it doesn't make someone actually cheat. That is a choice. Which has zero to do with PTSD.

He speaks frequently about not being comfortable at home. When we talk about this he has trouble articulating what that means.

I can't speak for him but the stress cup anology is a possible cause. Home is, by default, more stressful then not home. For many reasons. So, he may not know the words for his stress cup filling up and overfilling at home faster then not at home but that would make one feel uncomfortable. Even unsafe. When our stress cup is overfilling we are typically sympthomatic. Thus anxiety and panic. Except he has kids he's most likely trying to hide that from. So, that's a hella uncomfortable if you ask me.

He says he loves me but not sure if he’s in love with me. That he feels numb and he’s consumed by his own thoughts.

Feeling numb and being consumed by your own thoughts is a PTSD symptom. Or rather symptoms. In those times, you possibly wouldn't feel like you were in love with someone because you possibly wouldn't feel it. Even if you were. Not saying that's the case here. Just saying it's possible.

We try to be intimate but he has what seems to be a physiological response when he climaxes. Like he ends up in the fetal position regretting what’s happened and apologizing and just going dark.

Likely disocciation due to his own trauma. I would maybe give him some space from the bedroom until he has had more time in therapy? It may be acting as a ripple effect and causing some of the other symptoms.

 

[Cielo77]

New here.... consuming as much information as I can. My husband is in crisis. 2 months ago he told me he had been sexually abused by his stepfather as a kid. And others in his immediate family as well
A week later I found out he was cheating on me while out of town for work. Since that catastrophic weekend we have been on a roller coaster. 20 years of marriage, two kids and a beautiful life we made together and it all came crumbling down.
The affair he had was a symptom- I know that
He is making the effort to heal, we are going to counseling. He is taking an anxiety med and has seen a trauma therapist once. With a follow up appointment and potentially emdr therapy in the future
Every day is a struggle. His panic and anxiety can be debilitating. He speaks frequently about not being comfortable at home. When we talk about this he has trouble articulating what that means.
He says he loves me but not sure if he’s in love with me. That he feels numb and he’s consumed by his own thoughts.
There’s so much I don’t even know where to start or stop.
We try to be intimate but he has what seems to be a physiological response when he climaxes. Like he ends up in the fetal position regretting what’s happened and apologizing and just going dark.
My role currently is of support. Unconditionally.
I want nothing more that for him to find peace
Any advice and support would be so appreciated

G-9, this may sound inappropriate but it is true. I am glad that your husband has finally told you about his deep hurts. I understand that its painful also for an affair. something huge to remember. there are similarities in the home life that may trigger reminders or flashbacks to your husband. this is probably causing him anxiety and depression, and possibly even the root cause of the affair. also when he apologizes at the end of sex, is probably a huge reminder of some deep regrets of how he felt during his childhood abuse times. it is also very vital for you to try to find out more insight of his mind/emotions. this will help you relate to him, forgive him, and help the healing process in him. I'm here if you wish to talk further. hugs to you and prayers for both of you.

 

[G-9]

G-9, this may sound inappropriate but it is true. I am glad that your husband has finally told you about his deep hurts. I understand that its painful also for an affair. something huge to remember. there are similarities in the home life that may trigger reminders or flashbacks to your husband. this is probably causing him anxiety and depression, and possibly even the root cause of the affair. also when he apologizes at the end of sex, is probably a huge reminder of some deep regrets of how he felt during his childhood abuse times. it is also very vital for you to try to find out more insight of his mind/emotions. this will help you relate to him, forgive him, and help the healing process in hi



G-9, this may sound inappropriate but it is true. I am glad that your husband has finally told you about his deep hurts. I understand that its painful also for an affair. something huge to remember. there are similarities in the home life that may trigger reminders or flashbacks to your husband. this is probably causing him anxiety and depression, and possibly even the root cause of the affair. also when he apologizes at the end of sex, is probably a huge reminder of some deep regrets of how he felt during his childhood abuse times. it is also very vital for you to try to find out more insight of his mind/emotions. this will help you relate to him, forgive him, and help the healing process in him. I'm here if you wish to talk further. hugs to you and prayers for both of you.

You’re so kind. It’s all so fresh and new. And the reaction to the intimacy feels extremely personal and even the reaction to being in our home. I love him deeply and want to support him. I’m just trying to balance that with finding joy and balance for myself. He has created a kind of trauma for me with the betrayal and the overwhelming amount of issues that just erupted. Things he was suppressing and compartmentalizing that were bubbling to the surface for him and I had no idea. So I was blindsided. The curtains were ripped open and trying to process that and support his mess of emotions, stay functioning and stabilize the marriage is a tremendous weight

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum. There is a lot of support here from both sides.
My hubby had a hard time being at home also do to the stress cup. I approach him with an agreement.
Any talk about our relationship would never be done in our home.
If we needed to talk it was done in counselling or we would go for a walk or drive. We lived in our friendship until he was in therapy and in a place to work on our marriage. When he was home I gave him space and focus on myself and my self care. I made sure our marriage counsellor had experience with PTSD. I understand your own hurt feelings and you seeing your own counsellor will help. I know it’s hard and I’m know your hurt, confused, lost. You start second guessing yourself. You want to work on your marriage because you love him and you want that sense of security and safety back. Working on yourself can give that back to you within yourself. You’ll be surprised just how strong you are. Here to support and talk anytime. Sending hugs if you except :hug: