Hi I'm New - Father Shot Me, My Family and Himself

[Nam]

Welcome Batgirl. So sorry this happened to you and I hope that you will find peace and confidence again. What kind of support system do you have? Do you have any friends that can help you? (Besides us, of course! Cause now you're one of us!) Find a job is difficult but I hope the best of luck for you. Welcome aboard.:hello:

 

[cookie]

hey, batgirl-welcome to the forum. this is the place to be if you want to get better.

 

[batgirl]

,
Often 'UN peacekeeping' is a contradiction in terms. Sure the media portrays it one way but, generally the environment that troops are initially deployed into is anything but peaceful. Its a fallacy that because you were not in a designated war zone as such that nothing traumatic happens.

That's so true! It used to really bother me... people I knew who were not from the base and not army brats, made comments that my dad had it easy never being in a "real war".

Rwanda particularly has a nasty reputation for military personnel returning with PTSD and we have a number of Aussie veteran's from that campaign with this illness. In fact there was a prominent Canadian leader, who wrote a book 'Dance With the Devil' or something like that, who acquired PTSD from Rwanda. I started to read the book but it was too much for me as PTSD is so close to home. As for topping Rwanda off with a deployment to Kosovo, its almost a dead cert that your Dad had PTSD.

Do you mean General Dallaire? That's who my dad served under in Rwanda. I had a chance to hear him speak once but I couldn't stay for the whole talk, it was so awful. There was also a documentary about him and Rwanda, but again I couldn't get through it. I can't imagine reading a book by him, at least not yet. And I agree, I think my dad had PTSD. I think it more and more as I read more about it. I'm just sorry he didn't get help for it. Actually it makes me angry... he was on a stress leave, so you'd think the military docs would have done something to help him. Or maybe they were trying and I didn't know about it? I'm not sure.

I am sorry for your trauma. Its a sad legacy that a man who was serving his country ends up with PTSD and leaves his child with that illness as well. I could never imagine myself how it must feel for you. I hope that within this community you can begin the process of healing. Take care of you.

Thank you. I do hope it gets better! I'm glad to have found this site.

 

[batgirl]

Welcome Batgirl. So sorry this happened to you and I hope that you will find peace and confidence again. What kind of support system do you have? Do you have any friends that can help you? (Besides us, of course! Cause now you're one of us!) Find a job is difficult but I hope the best of luck for you. Welcome aboard.:hello:

Thanks Nam. I don't have as good a support system as I would like. My psychiatrist, who I was able to do some really good work with, retired a few months ago. He and his wife (who worked with him in his office), keep in touch with me as friends, but they have moved to another part of the country as part of their retirement. I call them sometimes, but it's not the same as having someone nearby. The therapist who I did CBT with also retired from the health region, and is now in private practice, which I can't afford. I was referred to other people, a new psychiatrist and therapist, but I have issues with trust and so far haven't been able to connect with a new counselor. My family doctor just referred me to another psychiatrist who she thinks I might be able to connect with, but there is a wait of about 2 months. At least I do have my family doctor who has taken on many psychiatric patients because of the shortage of psychiatrists here. She lets me see her whenever I like (I generally see her about once a month).

As far as friends go though, I don't really have any here. My best friend, who I grew up with, is also an army brat, but she married a guy in the service, so of course she is now on another base quite far from here. We talk on the phone and chat on the internet regularly, but I haven't seen her for 3 years. She worries about me a lot and wants me to move close to them, even live on the base with them, but because of what happened I won't go anywhere near a base now.

That's it. I really have no friends here. I feel like such a loser in that department. But I don't know how to meet people anymore, and I don't know what to say when people ask me about my family. I feel like I'm different from everyone else and don't fit in. Maybe though I will read some stuff on the site that will help. I'm really hoping so.

 

[Farmer]

The name of the book is Shake hands with the Devil.

 

[batgirl]

The name of the book is Shake hands with the Devil.

Oh thanks Farmer. I'll keep it in mind if I ever feel ready to read it. Thanks also for your earlier welcome. I appreciate it. I am stressing about whether or not I should be thanking everyone individually, bleah.

 

[Farmer]

Don't woory about it there are so many here now it's hard to keep up.

I remember seeing that book when it first came out and interviews with the Gen. and thinking even then about the soldiers coming home from that hell and how they and thier families were going to cope.

Those of us who have no experiance with the Mil. should read books like that and not rely on the media's and Gov. slanted views of what peacekeeping is about.

I have not read the book, but I might try someday.

Any way I hope things get better in your new home, and don't worry the friends will come:)

 

[batgirl]

Thanks Farmer. Yeah the media doesn't portray things the way they are for people in the military, that's for sure! It never bothered me much before my dad's breakdown but of course it does now. I hope you're right about the friends coming haha. I don't have a lot of energy to go out actively looking for them right now.

 

[Farmer]

Oh I'm shure they will be finding you, you sound like a great person to have as a friend.

 

[anthony]

Ah yes, Rwanda. What a lovely place that is, not! Batgirl, I can understand the hatred you have towards your father actually, as hatred is hatred, just different circumstances surround it. Your attempted murderer was your father, of all people, and as you outlined, nothing you seen coming from his demoir as a person. I have no doubt that he had PTSD from serving in Rwanda, with Kosovo following. People cannot understand what a war zone is like, unless they have been through it, as is with any traumatic event. Just like yours, whilst someone else who has survived a shooting can understand the shooting part, unless they where shot by a parent and survived, they could not totally understand. I can understand from your Fathers perspective, to a point, being a veteran myself and serving within the places of the world that generally civilians choose to ignore. As Kerrie-Ann said, "peace keeping" is merely a label attached to an overall group which realistically means, the United Nations are involved. The UN do not go into war zones, they go into "peace keeping" zones. Iraq is a peace keeping zone, and as the world can see for itself, there isn't any "peace" within Iraq for those soliders. Rwanda was the same, where the enemy was everyone and anyone. It could be a small child who suddenly unleashes a grenade, machete or machine gun, or a pregnant women with explosives, detonators and semi-automatic weapon. I have been in these very places where the enemy is everyone and anyone, and the only people you can trust are those in the uniform you wear. It really messes with your mind, and did with mine. I could have been another statistic, in that I killed myself and anyone around me, becaue my frame of mind was nothing like normal for some time. It was only absolute sheer luck on my behalf that I got noticed early enough and forced into counselling whilst I still had a little to hold onto too in life. You would be quite surprised that if I hadn't had my son within my life already, I would be dead already, because I held on for so long just because of him, and I would think that maybe your father was holding on to life just for his children also, but help just couldn't get to him in time in order to stop what had begun long before, the war within his mind.

It is actually really quite difficult for me to write this to you batgirl, because this is pulling some extreme vunerabilities from my past and trying to show you things that go on within us from being exposed to war. I guess, I am not trying to find excuses for your father, or his actions, as that is not my motive here, I guess I am just trying to give you some experience, maybe insight, into what goes on within a mind that has suffered extreme trauma from war, Rwanda being such a war.

I guess I am just rambling here also. How much has anyone tried to teach you about your Fathers thinking patterns in regard to his end actions? I mean, to help you try and understand why he did it, opposed to that what he did? I can say from experience, that your father was not in a controlled frame of mind at that time, and he had very little control over his decisions at that time, yet he still had some, and he still had some control over his choices, so he still bears some blame for his actions, have no doubt. Do I believe he is 100% at blame / fault for his actions? No, because PTSD is much much stronger than that, and it can, and will control a mind if allowed, allowing very little interaction from the holder of that mind to any say in the decision. PTSD is very powerful, and is a killer, in many ways, as you know from experience batgirl.

I feel really bad actually for you having to suffer such an act, especially being from your father, because the help everyone in the world is trying to get into those with PTSD, we still cannot do enough to save everyone, which is sometimes just painful to comprehend, but it is also reality. If we can help you come to terms with your trauma batgirl, I guess atleast that makes another person that is less likely to be killed by PTSD, especially considering you survived once, now to just survive it from yourself.

 

[Deleted member 3]

Batgirl,

Yep that's the man. I suggest that you don't read the book at all or for a very long time. Your healing is more important than dealing with ghosts. As I said I started to read it but it saddened and distressed me all at once. You are in a bit of hard place because you have life experience as a result of decisions that were never really made by you or your father. I was going to say that he chose the end result but I wonder did it really choose him? He deserved more support than he was obviously given and you now deserve the chance to heal. Its not about your Dad anymore, its about you.

As for being different to everyone else. What's 'normal' anyway? Perhaps once you give yourself some time to heal, you will understand that not everyone is going to judge you by circumstances which were not your fault. Hopefully with the help of this community and the benefit of other experiences you can begin to heal and then form the some friendships to help ease your burden. Take care of you.

 

[batgirl]

Anthony,

Thanks so much for your post. It helped me more than I can put into words. I haven't really talked to any veterans or people in the military since my father's breakdown. It's been a trigger for me, but it's really great to hear your take on things. I see a lot of my father in what you're saying. I totally agree about not trusting anyone who isn't in a uniform. My father and his friends used to talk about that kind of thing... one of his friends was in the Middle East, Israel or Lebanon, and I remember him saying they couldn't even trust a baby in a carriage, because it might be rigged with an explosive, or pick up anything off the street, even a tissue or a pen, because it might be some sort of bomb. And I know Rwanda was really really horrible for my dad in a lot of ways... for one thing, the soldiers were ordered not to intervene with the genocide. That must have caused so many feelings of guilt and helplessness in my father, on top of everything else.

It's amazing how much people want to hang on to the words "peacekeeping forces". Just a short while ago our Prime Minister referred to our country's involvement in Afganistan as a war rather than a "peacekeeping mission", and all hell broke loose in the press. Many people were very opposed to the PM using the word "war". I even overheard discussions about it in coffee shops and at the grocery store. I don't know, maybe being peacekeepers just sounds more "noble" or something... I even use the word peacekeeper to describe my father, because I've found people think of him more favorably when I say that, than if I just say he was a soldier.

And no, no one has ever really tried to explain my father's actions or frame of mind to me, even the psychiatrist and therapists I have seen. The only thing they consistently ask is whether he was abusive to me beforehand (he wasn't, ever), and did I suspect what he was going to do, or was it a total surprise (it was a total surprise). Once I asked a therapist if my father had PTSD too and she said, "Does it really matter? He's dead. Let's concentrate on you." I understand what she means, but at the same time, I would like to get to a point where, even if I can't ever stop hating my father, at least I could I maybe comprehend a bit of what was going in his head. I also get annoyed because often therapists I've seen (and I've seen a few, because I won't stay with one I don't like haha), just basically assume that because my father was in the service, he was bound to be mental, crazy, whatever, and poor me for having to endure him. But the truth is, he was a very gentle person up until the breakdown. He was depressed and drinking after coming back from Kosovo, but even then he wasn't nasty to the family, just withdrawn. Prior to that he had always been a pretty decent father I think. He never once struck me. He didn't yell much, either... he was patient. So to say what he did was a shock to me and everyone else was a major understatement!!! It was totally out of character and I agree with you it must have been the PTSD more than him.

Still I hate him though. I hate him for killing my brother, the only other close blood relative I had. I hate him for trying to end my life too, and all the pain of physical recovery I had to go through because of that. I hate him for killing himself and everyone else in front of me. I don't think I'll ever get that picture out of my mind. It's like, he couldn't handle all the stuff he's seen overseas, so he killed himself and everyone, but in the process gave me a "taste" of what he had seen... and now I have to live with it for the rest of my life. It's funny though, because it spite of all that part of me still feels really sorry for him, too, and misses him. Bleah, I'm all screwed up about it, obviously!!!!

Anyways I am rambling now too but thanks so much for your input. I appreciate it so much!