batgirl said:
And I know Rwanda was really really horrible for my dad in a lot of ways... for one thing, the soldiers were ordered not to intervene with the genocide. That must have caused so many feelings of guilt and helplessness in my father, on top of everything else.
I have endured this situation on occassions myself batgirl, and let me just say, this is what caused me the most amount of anger within myself towards the world. I have watched people kill others, woman and children, and not allowed to interfere at all, instead only allowed to withdraw from the situation and let them handle their own affairs their way so politics is kept safe and sound. So yes, screw people, as long as the politics is all shiny, apparently the world is good.
Just had to walk away from this for a minute.... it still causes me much frustration. Batgirl, I can understand your Fathers frustration that was eating away at him, because I had this for so long, and still occassionally do still, where we are sent to help people, yet helping them is also staying out of their business and allowing innocent killings to be undertaken. I took a quote from myself from another post in regard to where my anger used to be:
I used to punch people for no reason, I had used a persons weapon on themselves, I have broken peoples bones because they looked at me the wrong way, and the list goes on.
This used to be me, and it would have gotten worse if I wasn't forced into counselling and control as I was. All this was my way of trying to work out the anger I had from seeing these things and not being allowed to step in. You just don't know how hard it is to watch a childs head shot off and not step in and kill the MF with the gun thinking their a big person killing a defenceless innocent child. The pain that type of thing brings is just not explained, it is felt. Your Father felt it, just as I, hence I can relate to his state of mind at the time. His pain would have been incredible, and all in all trying to push it down to save you children, where unbeknownst to him, it was the very thing that made him pull the trigger on his own family, then himself.
None of this is an excuse for his actions, because at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own actions, me included, and I have healed mine and accept the guilt I have, though I understand why I had such pain and anger for so long.
batgirl said:
I don't know, maybe being peacekeepers just sounds more "noble" or something...
Its more societies way of ignoring the real facts of the very situations that surround them. If men and women are "peacekeeping" then they are not at war or being killed, they are just "keeping the peace". Those who choose to remain ignorant on that fact do so for their own selfish needs, but when your on a "peacekeeping" mission, your certainly not their to shake hands with them and be nice. It's the new word for war, so society excepts more readily the deployment of troops and can remain as ignorant as they desire to the actual facts of what is going on.
batgirl said:
The only thing they consistently ask is whether he was abusive to me beforehand (he wasn't, ever), and did I suspect what he was going to do, or was it a total surprise (it was a total surprise). Once I asked a therapist if my father had PTSD too and she said, "Does it really matter? He's dead. Let's concentrate on you."
90% of therapists and shrinks are idiots, with nothing more than book smarts as their knowledge base, no real world experience or commonsense. If they just applied commonsense, then for any person to heal, its not just about themselves, its about understanding the entire picture and both sides of the story as much as possible. For you to understand his frame of mind is not about ridding him of blame for his choice, its about allowing you some scope into why he felt that way, why your Father tried to kill you, did kill your family and himself, all out of the blue and too you, with no reason.
His reason would have been the anger and guilt of humanity itself, making a decision he had no right to make, and take the lives of his family with his own in order to save them ever seeing such acts of humanity for themselves, ending up with the feelings of such pain as he did. There was help there for him, he just either didn't know it, or the half arsed so called professionals just didn't know how to help him, because they're too ignorant to ask for help themselves, instead would have tried to tell him the same stupid things they tried to tell you, "what about you" and so forth. These statements would not off helped him one bit.
batgirl said:
Still I hate him though. I hate him for killing my brother, the only other close blood relative I had. I hate him for trying to end my life too, and all the pain of physical recovery I had to go through because of that. I hate him for killing himself and everyone else in front of me. I don't think I'll ever get that picture out of my mind. It's like, he couldn't handle all the stuff he's seen overseas, so he killed himself and everyone, but in the process gave me a "taste" of what he had seen... and now I have to live with it for the rest of my life. It's funny though, because it spite of all that part of me still feels really sorry for him, too, and misses him.
Your not screwed up batgirl, he is your father, and blood is much thicker than water, even though he tried to kill you also, you still have that father daughter bond, which cannot be broken even in death. You have the right to hate him, however; to hate is a response to your inner emotions, and whilst hate is very valid, to find those emotions that are fuelling the hate are the same emotions that will help you to find peace within yourself again. Nobody can ever forget, that is impossible, and to forgive is also not mandatory in any event, because lets face it, he still tried to take your life, however; for you to find yourself again, discovering those emotions that fuel your hatred are the key to atleast calming yourself.
And your absolutely right though batgirl, in that now he has passed his illness too you. Maybe not as bad in some areas, but worse in others, but still you now suffer the very thing that took his life, and the lives of your family. PTSD is a killer, and people just don't seem to understand the absolute toxicity of the illness, or outcomes. I would truly like to thank you though batgirl for coming here to discuss this... for yourself, and for all those who read it, may hopefully learn to get help before it is too late. You have much healing ahead... no doubt, and I will be glad to help you at any stage you require.
