Safe people radar

[HealingMama]

I feel like my radar for safe people is broken.

I was just writing here the last few days about my spouse being a safe person then today he yells, gets in my face, throws stuff, slams doors, calls me names.

And now he wants to just watch a movie. He apologized but honestly doesn't understand why i am so upset.

Like, it's normal to be alarmed by aggressive raging isn't it?

I feel like I have no idea how to tell who is safe, who isn't, what is normal stress responses in a relationship and what is toxic.

I have often talked about ending the relationship, but never followed through. I kind of think it would be better for everyone if I did but also I don't want to just fall into another situation with someone that seems safe but then they have this no holds barred acting out process and then they gaslight me into thinking that it's all in my head.

How do you come from trauma from abuse and not end up with an abuser again?

 

[Friday]

what is normal stress responses in a relationship and what is toxic.

not end up with an abuser again?

Those’re my Q(s) for you...

- IS he abusive?

- Do you have someone you can run the context of this outburst & the history with to get an outside perspective?

Caveat

Something doesn’t have to rise to the level of abuse to be a dealbreaker in a relationship, much less cause problems in a relationship. I’m NOT saying if it wasn’t XYZ then you have to / should / blah blah blah. People have different limits, expectations, needs, & wants. It’s just that since you jumped from outburst to abuser, I’m curious.

Spoiler: Example of how limits/ needs/ wants etc. can vary, even with the same person

As an example? The tone of how that kind of outburst happens is where some of my hard limits lie.
- One “flavor” of anger I’m perfectly fine with, even amused by... even if the end results are far “bigger” than kinds of anger I don’t tolerate well, if at all.
- A different flavor will have me going toe to toe with them reading them the riot act
- A third flavor I won’t engage BUT I won’t be happy AND will be seriously evaluating whether to stay/go... but I can be negotiated with about it / there’s a little bit of wiggle room. Not a lot, it’s veeeeery near a hard limit for me. It’s a cold/dangerous kind of place to find myself in.
- A fourth kind and finis. They crossed the Rubicon. There’s no coming back from that for me.

(n) - (The exception) There are certain circumstances which throw all of ^^^that^^^ out the window for me. They’re rare. But they exist. Like a woman giving birth. I simply don’t hold anyone to the same standards I do under exceptional circumstance. It doesn’t mean it’s a free pass. It just means I react/respond differently. Sometimes far more black and white DONE other times the opposite, I would say all is forgiven, except there’s nothing to forgive. And if exceptional circumstance becomes the norm? I hold them to a different standard than if they’re actually exceptional. Because it’s a repeating pattern. <<< I mostly mention this (because it’s a very normal thing that probably doesn’t deserve mentioning) because my ex used it against me, all the time, and eventually it made it onto the list of ways my head got f*cked up.

 

[HealingMama]

Those’re my Q(s) for you...

- IS he abusive?

- Do you have someone you can run the context of this outburst & the history with to get an outside perspective?

Caveat

Something doesn’t have to rise to the level of abuse to be a dealbreaker in a relationship, much less cause problems in a relationship. I’m NOT saying if it wasn’t XYZ then you have to / should / blah blah blah. People have different limits, expectations, needs, & wants. It’s just that since you jumped from outburst to abuser, I’m curious.

Spoiler: Example of how limits/ needs/ wants etc. can vary, even with the same person

As an example? The tone of how that kind of outburst happens is where some of my hard limits lie.
- One “flavor” of anger I’m perfectly fine with, even amused by... even if the end results are far “bigger” than kinds of anger I don’t tolerate well, if at all.
- A different flavor will have me going toe to toe with them reading them the riot act
- A third flavor I won’t engage BUT I won’t be happy AND will be seriously evaluating whether to stay/go... but I can be negotiated with about it / there’s a little bit of wiggle room. Not a lot, it’s veeeeery near a hard limit for me. It’s a cold/dangerous kind of place to find myself in.
- A fourth kind and finis. They crossed the Rubicon. There’s no coming back from that for me.

(n) - (The exception) There are certain circumstances which throw all of ^^^that^^^ out the window for me. They’re rare. But they exist. Like a woman giving birth. I simply don’t hold anyone to the same standards I do under exceptional circumstance. It doesn’t mean it’s a free pass. It just means I react/respond differently. Sometimes far more black and white DONE other times the opposite, I would say all is forgiven, except there’s nothing to forgive. And if exceptional circumstance becomes the norm? I hold them to a different standard than if they’re actually exceptional. Because it’s a repeating pattern. <<< I mostly mention this (because it’s a very normal thing that probably doesn’t deserve mentioning) because my ex used it against me, all the time, and eventually it made it onto the list of ways my head got f*cked up.

Unfortunately, I have exhausted my social network with the latest "Healing mama is confused about her relationship" saga du jour. It's embarrassing. People just tell me to leave usually. I would say he displays some covertly abusive behaviors and really poor skills that are important to a functional relationship, but I have been the overtly controlling one.

You are correct that I made a pretty big jump there. Thanks for pointing it out.

I guess what I'm really asking is how do you know someone is a safe person. Because to me yelling and getting in my face and throwing stuff means you aren't a safe person. Even if you aren't often acting that way, if you have it in your at all then you aren't safe. So how do you learn the deeper essence of people before you're tied up with them in ways that are complicated to detangle.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I have a pretty clear value system now....a couple years ago, my boundaries were a lot more flexible (who am I kidding, I didn't even understand the word boundary)

So here is my advice for what it's worth: Go with your gut, your intuition, and your trust and comfort level. Consider the messages you get from your body and your head.....I get warnings and sometimes they are spot on....others, well....not so spot on.
Be friends first in all relationships, a long time.....and set limits and boundaries in all relationships. Don't change anything that is working for you now to have a relationship, have more than just one friend, and don't change yourself so someone will like you. Take new relationships slow. Be comfortable saying "no" in all relationships.....without reprisal or drama.....and watch out for narcissists who will love bomb you and be your hero, knight in shining armor, fixer, the person of your dreams (and this can happen quickly before you know it if you aren't looking). Good luck!

 

[Ronin]

I guess what I'm really asking is how do you know someone is a safe person.

I don't need to know if they are a safe person...

I need to know if they are a safe person for me & others I need them to be a safe person for.

Meaning they could be the sweetest darling to anybody and everybody else, the time they mess with me or mine I'm out.

Ie. trust what YOUR criteria are. You aren't safe with them, then that is the only judgment that matters.

 

[somerandomguy]

Someone can be a safe person and still occasionally perform actions that make us FEEL unsafe.

We can FEEL unsafe, yet there may be no ACTUAL threat to us.

For someone like a spouse, you may be able to determine your actual level of safety through their overall history of actions.

Also, don't discount the overall level of stress that person may be under currently. You also may play a role in that level of stress.

I'm not posting this to tell you you are safe. You may NOT be safe. If your spouse has hit you, even once, you are probably not safe. If they throw things and yell on a daily or weekly basis, you may not be safe. If name-calling is common, you may not be safe. And if you're NOT safe, I would encourage you to take action to make yourself safe. Leave - now. Call a helpline. Call a friend. Get out right away.

But otherwise, PTSD can make us afraid of things and people that we really don't need to be afraid of.

 

[grit]

I am not naive to think there are safe people... Any one can harm intentionally or unintentionally so it is more important to build your own internal safety of knowing when your husband is acting like that he is not safe for you. I do not know the details of your marriage but personally I would prefer a person who at least acknowledge they crossed my boundaries and apologize for it and gets help for themselves. Regardless you must have strong boundaries to withstand this already but you may not be fully aware of.

 

[Friday]

I feel like I have no idea how to tell who is safe,

I guess what I'm really asking is how do you know someone is a safe person

How do you define safe? What makes a person safe?

I operate on a totally different system, safety is a feeling not a reality, so I judge people differently than you do/my answers would be unlikely to help.

 

[HealingMama]

How do you define safe? What makes a person safe?

I operate on a totally different system, safety is a feeling not a reality, so I judge people differently than you do/my answers would be unlikely to help.

They aren't likely to act aggressive, manipulative, secretive, abusive, cruel, or try to confuse you. They are kind or at least civil. They are willing to problem solve. They are willing to admit their own mistakes. They are not going to blame you for every problem. You can have a conversation or express a concern without worrying about how they will react.

They behave overall in ways that wouldn't activate the threat system of the average person.

 

[Gs172003]

They aren't likely to act aggressive, manipulative, secretive, abusive, cruel, or try to confuse you. They are kind or at least civil. They are willing to problem solve. They are willing to admit their own mistakes. They are not going to blame you for every problem. You can have a conversation or express a concern without worrying about how they will react.

They behave overall in ways that wouldn't activate the threat system of the average person.

Sorry to tell you sweetie but people lie and hide things all the time. There is no true way of knowing if anybody is "safe". It's a crap shoot. I wish it wasn't but it is.

 

[Mach123]

I don't think it's unusual at all. Take the rule that whoever you are attracted to run like hell and you'll be fine.

My very first trauma therapist explained to me what "being better" was going to look like and "seeing the people who would be good for me and being able to avoid the others" was part of it. I don't see it yet.

 

[ChildofGod]

Unfortunately we cannot take what some people say at face value. My opinion is (for some, not all) we have become used to abuse or we minimize it or sometimes we don't know it's there.
People who we thought we could trust lie about everything.
I hope you stay safe. Sometimes clarity comes with patterns, example, a person may be very controlling and watching your every move and you had no idea.

This is not uncommon. I wish it were. Wishing you the very best, if that's okay with you.