I cant remeber much of the years 10-17 because of trauma that happened at 17?

[Placebo]

So when I was 17 a bunch of guys from my school let me know I had grown up with them stalking me and I did not know it. They watched me live my life. These guys spit on me in Jr. High and bullied the shit out of me. I was constantly having to hide at school back then, or almost run off the bus so I could get away before they got me, and other kids stuff. But, at 17 when they came out with their big "joke" that they watched me in my house from 10-17 (it was the whole time I lived there) they watched me with my boyfriend in my back yard being physically sexually intimate and everything. I had no idea. I lost all of my memories of growing up there that summer when they brought their famous friends to bully me with sexual harassment and laughter that the guys who spit on me as a kid did that to me at 16 (Epstein and R Kelly wasn't the only one that liked teenage girls back in the day) as a funny "joke." I was crushed and eventually went into a trauma induced psychosis because they wouldn't stop (they never stopped making fun of me for it honestly even at 39-41 (this year) they hate raped my mind again because they have enough power, connections, and money to do whatever they want) bullying me over sex and weird old guys in their 50's and 60's were asking if I was "ready for the real drugs" and just harassed the hell out of me. Anyway, I cant remember hardly anything from that house. Good, bad, or indifferent I can't remember much at all, only the trauma that year at 17 and other trauma that occurred because of their hate. You have to hate someone to see how bad it is hurting them and not talk to that person and say "look I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you." These guys spit on me growing up and said repeatedly they hated me as a kid. It was hate, and having people you have never even met hate you is an odd thing, but I have lived with it most of my life.
So has anyone experienced loss of memory, and even good memory because of trauma? If so anything you did to bring it back or make peace with this loss of time?

 

[TruthSeeker]

Sounds like you need to find a good trauma therapist....you got a therapist?

I worked with children in school who had learning disabilities and significant memory impairment as a result of constant abuse. I had my own trauma. When I worked with one particular student who had parts, she had child parts: a young child part, a teen part, a sexy part, and an animal part. I tutored her in reading during and after school. She consistently failed the state standards annual reading test....but I'd notice that depending upon the day, her memory could be very sharp or very poor. I knew she had been working with a trauma T and she knew she had parts.

So, initially, I asked her to close her eyes and ask any parts if they were frustrated with reading. She closed her eyes, and shook her head up and down (yes) and later told me there were little ones who didn't like reading because it was too hard. I invited her parts to remedial reading and reminded her to bring them to every after-school session. In school she began silently and in her head, calling her parts to help take reading tests. Grades began to improve, her ability to attend in general ed. classes improved, and when we had state testing....she passed for the first time (with a 70 point gain). I cried when I heard the test results....

In this case, she compartmentalized phonics and vocabulary skills in reading at different ages.....along with trauma memories....this child had been in over 20 foster homes. So, from this experience, with my own trauma, I learned to call my parts-because I believe that some part likely remembers the info I need to function in the here and now (e.g. where the keys are, where I last laid my credit card, and yes.....some part usually knows the answer when I can't recall....) So, as ridiculous as it sounds, connecting with parts, asking them for help....over time.... like my T kept telling me in combination with reduced stress, internal communication, and daily organization really has helped my own memory and ability to positively function on a daily basis.

 

[Placebo]

I had an odd form of.dissociation that caused me to hear voices for over a decade because of childhood abuse and then outside home abuse because of underage nonsconsnsual pornography and bad man hurting me as a teenager. They have raped and pushed a lot of women in to suicide, a lot. I worked hard to not be fragmented, but yeah I need a trauma therapist badly. Very badly. Thank you for your post. I hope this doesn't sound bad but knowing other people have been abused and are getting better helps.

 

[Gs172003]

Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? Who diagnosed you? Have they been helping you through all of this?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I had an odd form of.dissociation that caused me to hear voices for over a decade because of childhood abuse and then outside home abuse because of underage nonsconsnsual pornography and bad man hurting me as a teenager. They have raped and pushed a lot of women in to suicide, a lot. I worked hard to not be fragmented, but yeah I need a trauma therapist badly. Very badly. Thank you for your post. I hope this doesn't sound bad but knowing other people have been abused and are getting better helps.

This is not religious:Hope....it is hope that keeps me going, and I'm getting better-so much better than before. It is action that is scary....but has helped immensely, too. I made a plan,to get healthier by exercising, change my eating habits, doing therapy, and getting involved in the community in a way that is fun, and do the things I remember I enjoyed or was good at on a more consistent basis (play an instrument, do different kinds of art, photography, and travel (get out of the house). Many of these things you may be able do on your own. Hope kept me going.....as a way to improve my life, hope for contentment, for me is still the driving force that has helped to create internal balance, a more positive outlook, feeling more accomplished as a person. Asking other's for help/advice on what has worked in their journey has been really helpful on this forum. Keep the faith in getting to a better place.....dare to dream...

 

[Placebo]

This is not religious:Hope....it is hope that keeps me going, and I'm getting better-so much better than before. It is action that is scary....but has helped immensely, too. I made a plan,to get healthier by exercising, change my eating habits, doing therapy, and getting involved in the community in a way that is fun, and do the things I remember I enjoyed or was good at on a more consistent basis (play an instrument, do different kinds of art, photography, and travel (get out of the house). Many of these things you may be able do on your own. Hope kept me going.....as a way to improve my life, hope for contentment, for me is still the driving force that has helped to create internal balance, a more positive outlook, feeling more accomplished as a person. Asking other's for help/advice on what has worked in their journey has been really helpful on this forum. Keep the faith in getting to a better place.....dare to dream...

You are beautiful and I would like to thank you for it. I am writing the victims of Epstein today and telling them they had no choice honestly and that they are very much loved in the world. That they can help so many victims and already have. I am working 60 hours a week for 3 weeks more only. Then back to the sweet 50 hours spot after that. Thank you for your post again.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Getting more you time is important......it will be healthier working few hours...Good luck with that.?