Supporter Support for a supporter :)

[Respectfully1979]

Hi, I've just joined the group in the hope of finding a way of getting some 'real' advice on how to best support my partner with his PTSD. I'm completely new to all this and have been educating myself as much as possible with what is available on the internet, but my personal preference is to 'speak' to people so I thought that I would give a forum a go and look for some further support this way. I would add that I am in a long distance relationship and haven't seen (or spoken) my partner for 6 weeks since we returned from holiday together. The reason being that symptoms of his PTSD have resurged and he's withdrawn from the relationship. I think we've established that he wants me in his life, but just needs time at the moment to focus on getting well again. I am being very patient, kind and understanding. I know he didn't choose for this to happen and that some of his behaviour is out of character due to his headspace. The tricky part I'm finding right now is how to balance my needs as well as his own, .e.g., I really want to see him to reconnect as I feel that it'll be a good thing for us both. He is very prone to emotional numbness so I understand why letting me in is going to be hard, but I really want to make this work and I'm afraid that if I don't start to get something in return, a distance will form between us and be left with no choice but to walk away which is the last thing I want to happen... I guess I need to be brave and just ask, I just don't know how receptive he is to hearing my needs at the moment, as he seems unable to appreciate how difficult this is for me. Communication is key to any relationship - I'm just struggling to figure how to communicate with him in the right way and second guessing everything I do. I have so many questions and thoughts running through my head - good to have an outlet to get some of this out and see if anyone can give me some advice that might help! TKs

 

[somerandomguy]

Welcome to the forums. There's a big supporter area here that's really worth checking out.

 

[Respectfully1979]

Okay thanks :)

 

[candor]

I drove myself crazy trying to figure out if bad behaviour was ok bc after all he is sick.... Please be kind, understanding and respectful to yourself. When communication fails, develop a sense of intuition that helps you predict behaviour. Then decide what you will do not what he should be doing. It has helped me to think of him as someone that lives in another country and visits when he can. There are few and rare moments when reasoning helps. In my experience, the problem is not lack of knowledge but lack of impulse control. It doesn’t help to lecture. Often sufferers arevery capableof working things out when they can and many like to hear that you trust that they will work on their own issues while you work on yours. I have had to re evaluate my own boundaries and how I react to him. That process has made me a better person but it can feel like hell until one day it doesnt. You figure out what cant change is not worth getting so worked up about and then you live your life as you should. I would never live together with someone who is unstable cause it would eventually get to me. But i value him and stick around without really waiting.

 

[LuckiLee]

Is this the first time he's isolated from you?

 

[Ronin]

Hi, welcome.

Can I ask what in your comunication usually works, if you might be able to use any of that?

 

[Respectfully1979]

Is this the first time he's isolated from you?

Yes. It’s been 6 weeks since we came back from holiday and not spoken or seen each other, only messaged.

Hi, welcome.

Can I ask what in your comunication usually works, if you might be able to use any of that?

Before all this, we used to talk on the phone and caught up most weekends. Obviously messaging was good too throughout the day at work to say hi. I’ve been holding off from messaging to give him the space he says he needs. I said am I okay to drop you a line to check in and he said of course but he can’t be relied upon nor does he want any responsibility. He’s got two girls and he’s trying to maintain a positive presence for them, but that’s all he manage for now. He did message on Saturday to ask how I was doing which felt like a break through. We had a short message exchange and I sent a photo saying have a good day and I’ve heard nothing since. Was worried that he would think I was being insensitive. I’m struggling to find a balance between saying hi and being a presence in his life and giving him total space. So hard when you haven’t been able to discuss any of it or establish any boundaries for either party

Is this the first time he's isolated from you?

At one stage 2 weeks went by without any messaging. I buckled and messaged him in the end. Don’t know how long he’d leave it tbh. 2 weeks and I started losing it. Not sure he was aware of how long it had been or even thought about it

 

[Respectfully1979]

Also been reading the ‘what are they thinking’ thread - really useful!

 

[candor]

Would it be possible for you to stop worrying about his needs and to take care of your own needs while he's away? How would you feel if you could surrender to the idea that he manages best when he doesn't need to worry about how much you are negatively affected? This takes years of practice especially if you have a need to be needed as I do.

 

[Respectfully1979]

Would it be possible for you to stop worrying about his needs and to take care of your own needs while he's away? How would you feel if you could surrender to the idea that he manages best when he doesn't need to worry about how much you are negatively affected? This takes years of practice especially if you have a need to be needed as I do.

Yes definitely. I’m practicing self care, becoming more knowledgeable on the situation I am in and getting on with my own life in the meantime. I’m getting there with it for sure and trying to stay upbeat and not take his silence personally. This forum is just the first chance for me to reach out, so it’s been good to have an outlet for me to ask some of the many questions I’ve been asking myself these past few weeks.

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum. It’s a great place to get support and talking with people who understand.