Strangelongtrip
Platinum Member
I keep running into the same roadblock with this one friend. We've been friends for almost a decade now, but it's sort of morphed and changed. I moved back home from college and we got close again, and I was pretty open about being gay/queer/I basically only date women now (I'm a lady lol). She was flirting with me a lot, even called one of our outings a date. She looked at me a certain way I know well, the kind that sort of catches you off guard. She finally sort of came out to me, which I knew, and I supported her with it and told her we could go to gay bars and such so she could dip her toes in it. Her family is religious and homophobic, I don't think they would kick her out if they knew but you can never be sure. We would go to gay events and the whole time she would only talk to me. She didn't flirt with her other female friends like this, but she would avoid doing things like dancing on me she'd do with other friends. One night she was drunk and told me she loved me and gave me a hug that lingered and honestly looking back on it would have been a kiss, she was touching me all night. She didn't come out to anyone else but me, still a year after she told me she hasn't I finally told her I think this last winter hey, I think I may have a crush on you but I thought you had a crush on me first. She told me she just saw me as a friend but wanted me in her life.
I recovered and we've stayed friends but she's done things that unnerve me and make me think she hasn't recovered. She stopped any flirtatious connections with me, moderated how she looks at me, and she stopped liking any of my photos on instagram or commenting on any of them. She used to tag me in things and take cute pictures of us together all the time and now she never does. I think she "muted" me which I didn't know was an option, basically she still follows me but she doesn't see any of my posts. I'm not really concerned with instagram because most of it is social clout (I compare it to our millennial version of the white picket fence--look at how perfect my life is, but...glass houses. People post their depressive rants on twitter, right after they post about how much they love their life on another platform. It makes me sad because they could all use therapy desperately), but it makes me feel like a dirty secret.
She still shares everything with me, but every time after I see her I sob when I get home. Her family is abusive at worst, toxic at best, and smothers her. She's not allowed to form her own opinions or have her own identity, other than the brief moments where she'd tell me the truth about herself. She won't even drink with me anymore. When we go to happy hour, she just orders food and water. I know, logically, this isn't about me. I found her out and she's probably trying to avoid it as much as possible (or I'm entirely reading into things and she just doesn't want to give me the wrong impression--I have 90% of people who have seen us together telling me she has a crush on me, 10% of straight grandfathers telling me I read too much into things). Maybe I was because she was "dating" dudes but constantly telling me about how much she didn't like them or how men sucked. She called one guy her beard. She's also said things to me about my identity that I know are her internalized homophobia.
I don't know why I feel so devastated after hanging out with her anymore. Sometimes I spiral into "I'm fat and everyone who I've ever loved abused me--I don't deserve anything" and sometimes I want to delete her from everything and run. I don't even know if I still have feelings, or if I ever did. Sometimes she avoids looking at me. It makes me feel disgusting, even though logically I know it's not about that. It feels like I have to give it up but I wanted to work through whatever this was. It reminds me of how men I liked would flirt with me in private or when I was skinny and then in public or when I was fat would ignore or make fun of me. It feels....just bad. It just feels bad. Everyone who loves me tells me to give it up, but I don't want to give up on my friend. Maybe some part of me thinks eventually she'll be truthful with me but she probably won't unless she gets out of her family's grip. I've thrown so many things and relationships away already but it's painful.
I recovered and we've stayed friends but she's done things that unnerve me and make me think she hasn't recovered. She stopped any flirtatious connections with me, moderated how she looks at me, and she stopped liking any of my photos on instagram or commenting on any of them. She used to tag me in things and take cute pictures of us together all the time and now she never does. I think she "muted" me which I didn't know was an option, basically she still follows me but she doesn't see any of my posts. I'm not really concerned with instagram because most of it is social clout (I compare it to our millennial version of the white picket fence--look at how perfect my life is, but...glass houses. People post their depressive rants on twitter, right after they post about how much they love their life on another platform. It makes me sad because they could all use therapy desperately), but it makes me feel like a dirty secret.
She still shares everything with me, but every time after I see her I sob when I get home. Her family is abusive at worst, toxic at best, and smothers her. She's not allowed to form her own opinions or have her own identity, other than the brief moments where she'd tell me the truth about herself. She won't even drink with me anymore. When we go to happy hour, she just orders food and water. I know, logically, this isn't about me. I found her out and she's probably trying to avoid it as much as possible (or I'm entirely reading into things and she just doesn't want to give me the wrong impression--I have 90% of people who have seen us together telling me she has a crush on me, 10% of straight grandfathers telling me I read too much into things). Maybe I was because she was "dating" dudes but constantly telling me about how much she didn't like them or how men sucked. She called one guy her beard. She's also said things to me about my identity that I know are her internalized homophobia.
I don't know why I feel so devastated after hanging out with her anymore. Sometimes I spiral into "I'm fat and everyone who I've ever loved abused me--I don't deserve anything" and sometimes I want to delete her from everything and run. I don't even know if I still have feelings, or if I ever did. Sometimes she avoids looking at me. It makes me feel disgusting, even though logically I know it's not about that. It feels like I have to give it up but I wanted to work through whatever this was. It reminds me of how men I liked would flirt with me in private or when I was skinny and then in public or when I was fat would ignore or make fun of me. It feels....just bad. It just feels bad. Everyone who loves me tells me to give it up, but I don't want to give up on my friend. Maybe some part of me thinks eventually she'll be truthful with me but she probably won't unless she gets out of her family's grip. I've thrown so many things and relationships away already but it's painful.
