Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

And just like that i feel basically normal or neutral. Ready to have an evening as a family, I don't feel an emotional spark when I'm around him. I used to feel pulled toward him after conflict to re-establish a connection and I didn't feel that compulsion. I hugged him anyway because it's not all about me.

He gets whiplash with these sudden shifts. I do too. Like where did my anger, pain and fear even go? I guess having a hard conversation and him not bailing helped maybe. Idk.

Maybe I'm BPD after all but I don't feel like I'm idealizing him at all. I'm still aware of all of it, but suddenly unfazed. It's a bit disconcerting how something so important to me will just poof, go away, emotionally. Where did it go?

I guess I switched to a different part of ny inner family or unblended from one and this one doesnt care about that stuff so much.

Edit: Spoke too soon. Apparently I was just enjoying his emotional energy pointed at his therapist instead of at me. Being an empath is hard. It's definitely all still there. In the interest of trying to have a more balanced perspective, that was a lovely break from what I'm usually carrying around!

 

[HealingMama]

Another talk. This one where he says I won't let him make things good, that I'm so afraid of something that I make preemptive strikes, that he took a few years being a whipping post for me because somebody needed to stick around long enough to help me work through some stuff. And he's got some scars from it but he knows that isn't my fault, he's not sorry he did it, but he's trying to work through all of that for himself now.

He's right, I definitely push, he does try to connect and I complain that there's no connection but he tries and I'm all stoic and sh*t, blank face one word answers stuff.

Then there's also all the ADHD stuff added into this, the valid problems from that and the valid wounds. What a mess.

This all came up because he isn't sure that I would allow marriage counseling to work. That he thinks I would sabotage it and that I am quick to terminate therapy if I don't like what they say.

A lot to think about.

 

[HealingMama]

We had sex for the first time in several weeks. Having had more than one relationship conversation that didn't end in some form of violence helped me feel closer to him emotionally which is what has been missing, and which I had communicated was a barrier that I needed us to address for me to be intimate.

I was feeling it and wanted to respond when he signaled me, but initially thought I should sleep since I'll get sick if I don't get enough rest.

I changed my mind and went for it because I was afraid that this receptive feeling would disappear by the time we had another opportunity. I often feel like I'm having to run an obstacle course within my own self, and I'm often frustrated by the way my inner experience shifts based on what's going on. And I didn't want to rob him of the opportunity to be intimate since I had the headspace and didn't know how long it would last ?

I really hate how I put so many walls up, or force him to go through a complicated obstacle course just to do something that is so normally part of a relationship.

I mean, the alternative is sex purely as a performance for his benefit, where sometimes I luck out and respond to it once we have started. I don't necessarily think it is wrong to want some emotional stimulation first. But my various layers and their contradictory motivations make fulfilling that need a very complicated endeavor, and I feel bad about that but I'm not sure how to fix it.

 

[HealingMama]

Reading about disorganized attachment. I am very motivated to give my child an opportunity for secure attachment. I believe I've lost my cool with him maybe... 3 times? I tell him not to do something many many times and he keeps doing it, usually when I'm trying to get him ready for bed and worn out from a full day. I just raised my voice. It scared him. I apologized immediately, offered comfort. He still reaches for me when he's sad, scared or hurt. So I think it is ok. But I feel very guilty about that. I never planned to have kids because i knew my bonding etc was screwed up, I felt so defective, I couldn't be a perfect mom like this.

I know everyone screws up their kid somehow, but I'm not ready to see it happen any time soon.

I know that I do a great job if he has potty accidents, spills things, makes mistakes that aren't life threatening. I'm curt and intense if he's trying to run in a parking lot or something but I am hyperaware of the potential for installing shame and want so much for him to just never have any. Guilt is ok, if necessary and appropriate for socialization.

Oy codependent focusing on others again.

My goal is to heal my disorganized attachment so that I don't pass it on as a legacy. But also, I deserve to feel better. I deserve to experience the world the way a non-abused person does. It is my birthright as a human being to be able to experience my highest potential. To feel safe and supported, and to be able to trust close people in my life do not mean me harm. The closer people get the harder it is to give the benefit of the doubt, the more frantically parts of me try to get them away before they hurt me.

I really want to heal the unconscious bits that do this to me and to people that are just trying to love and care for me.

 

[siniang]

Just a thought, but could you have written conversations/discussions with your husband about the important topics that are bothering you? Not talk. Not texting. Letters/emails? (not day-to-day things that need attention, of course, but the underlaying things about your marriage, your needs etc.)

I still do this with my hubby. When something is really bothering me? I write about it. Maybe it's a remnant from our early days into the relationship, which was a long-distance relationship and lived through email, but:

- in argument, we all tend to put on goggles if we've been burned before. It's just too easy and we usually don't even notice. I know my husband has a tendency to just close up when I'm somewhat trying to address something criticizing. He puts on his "Now she's nagging again" goggles. I've already lost at that moment because he's not really listening to what I'm saying at that point. It also reenforces that "she's always nagging" distortion. I put my "and he's not listening AGAIN" goggles.

- I have time to think about what and how I say what I'm trying to say

- He has time to read it, and let it sit. And re-read.

I'm very impulsive and can get worked up in an argument easy. Hubby just shuts down. So obviously, arguments often don't work and lead to nowhere but more frustration.

 

[HealingMama]

Just a thought, but could you have written conversations/discussions with your husband about the important topics that are bothering you? Not talk. Not texting. Letters/emails? (not day-to-day things that need attention, of course, but the underlaying things about your marriage, your needs etc.)

I still do this with my hubby. When something is really bothering me? I write about it. Maybe it's a remnant from our early days into the relationship, which was a long-distance relationship and lived through email, but:

- in argument, we all tend to put on goggles if we've been burned before. It's just too easy and we usually don't even notice. I know my husband has a tendency to just close up when I'm somewhat trying to address something criticizing. He puts on his "Now she's nagging again" goggles. I've already lost at that moment because he's not really listening to what I'm saying at that point. It also reenforces that "she's always nagging" distortion. I put my "and he's not listening AGAIN" goggles.

- I have time to think about what and how I say what I'm trying to say

- He has time to read it, and let it sit. And re-read.

I'm very impulsive and can get worked up in an argument easy. Hubby just shuts down. So obviously, arguments often don't work and lead to nowhere but more frustration.

That's a thought. I'd love to just not argue at all. But the ADHD creates chronic frustration that has to go somewhere. And apparently I love to use arguments to create distance and test his loyalty or something which is very hard to admit to myself.

You definitely described a dynamic we have where he hears me complaining and tunes me out which triggers all my abandonment crap.

 

[HealingMama]

Sharing a great article written by my complex PTSD workbook author in case folks following my diary have complex PTSD also: Dead Link Removed

 

[HealingMama]

We have plans to go to a special yoga class as a family tonight, and I'm suddenly very nauseated. I hope it's just because I took a ton of meds this morning and was delayed in breakfast because if I have a stomach virus we can't go and my family really needs a fun shared activity.

I have some planned time off later this month that I will be using to get a disabled license plate. My body's not making it through the day very well lately. I'm under 40, and teach yoga, and will have to sometimes use handicapped spots. Grieving a bit today over loss of the functioning I used to enjoy.

 

[Jade-]

We had sex for the first time in several weeks. Having had more than one relationship conversation that didn't end in some form of violence helped me feel closer to him emotionally which is what has been missing, and which I had communicated was a barrier that I needed us to address for me to be intimate.

I was feeling it and wanted to respond when he signaled me, but initially thought I should sleep since I'll get sick if I don't get enough rest.

I changed my mind and went for it because I was afraid that this receptive feeling would disappear by the time we had another opportunity. I often feel like I'm having to run an obstacle course within my own self, and I'm often frustrated by the way my inner experience shifts based on what's going on. And I didn't want to rob him of the opportunity to be intimate since I had the headspace and didn't know how long it would last ?

I really hate how I put so many walls up, or force him to go through a complicated obstacle course just to do something that is so normally part of a relationship.

I mean, the alternative is sex purely as a performance for his benefit, where sometimes I luck out and respond to it once we have started. I don't necessarily think it is wrong to want some emotional stimulation first. But my various layers and their contradictory motivations make fulfilling that need a very complicated endeavor, and I feel bad about that but I'm not sure how to fix it.

The part in bold is concerning. I'm not sure if you're talking about you being violent him being violent or the both of you.But do take care of yourself and keep what you said in my other thread in mind:

We are responsible for our actions even if there are mitigating circumstances

 

[HealingMama]

The part in bold is concerning. I'm not sure if you're talking about you being violent him being violent or the both of you.But do take care of yourself and keep what you said in my other thread in mind:

Thanks. I was using the word violent broadly. Nobody is getting physical here but there has been anger being expressed. Name calling, raised voices etc.

Went to the yoga thing. He was mostly entertaining the toddler. Then we cuddled and watched TV. It's so nice not having tension.

I've been getting into more of the heavy stuff with my T also. Maybe if I deep dive in these moments of clarity I can make more progress. She suggested finding a male EMDR therapist since women tend to trigger me. That's a thought.

I didn't realize how touch starved I had been until we made up. Been together six years, fight like hell, but still like to touch each other.

 

[HealingMama]

Someone said something to me in their diary and doesn't want to discuss it, but I have things to say so I'll say them here and people don't have to read it.

I am responsible for my bad behavior. Full stop. I deserve the consequences of my bad behavior. My husband is responsible for his bad judgment and consequences of his choices. Im probably a little legalistic about this.

When we love someone or even just care about someone we don't want them to suffer. Sometimes we would rather suffer ourselves than put them through something painful.

ADHD is a mitigating circumstance that i try to keep in perspective when I consider the traumatic experiences my husband's actions have exposed me to. If he didn't have that condition then I would not have worked so hard to tolerste certain things. He knows i have a troubled past and if he didn't, he wouldn't work so hard to tolerate certain things.

But fundamentally my trauma doesn't excuse me to be vervally abusive or cruel out of desperation when deeply triggered. Just as his ADHD doesn't excuse him to be verbally abusive or create difficulties for others because he isn't proactively managing symptoms.

As a codependent trying to recover I have to try to find that sweet spot where you respect yourself and also have compassion for the other person. Sometimes compassion means I don't protect my spouse from consequences of their actions. Sometimes it means i am showing compassion by seeing the behavior in context and forgiving it.

I don't think I am a hypocrite because this stuff isn't black or white. I don't advise clients professionally whether to leave their partner because there's always ambivalence. Having been on the receiving end of therapy where they tell me I should leave my husband, I know that I a complicated stance to take and can damage the therapeutic relationship so I dont do that.

I'm not on these boards as a professional. I'm here as a person with trauma issues. There are some peope here I've interacted with enough to see as friends, and so I respond to them as a friend. If I see a friend hurting badly in a relationship, I might suggest that they at least leave temporarily to get through to their partner. If I have a friend that discloses abuse, I will encourage them to leave. Just as I've told my husband he should leave me.

Please everyone here keep I mind I'm not here in a professional capacity ever.

Someone said my response to a situation hurt them, but the response in question was siding with their right to not be harmed in a relationship. When you have experienced abuse sometimes you need a reminder that you have the right not to, and that's all I was trying to say. Regardless I considered this person a friend and Ally and did not mean to hurt them with what I was saying - quite the opposite.

 

[HealingMama]

There is a musician coming here in a couple of weeks that I enjoy. I'd love to go with hubby but that would turn a $30 outing into a $150 outing. He volunteered to stay with toddler and manage the house so I could go. Very kind of him.

My current goal is to make it til the concert without fighting with him. Wish me luck ?

If I get mad, I want to come here and vent or recognize that I am dysregulated before I try to discuss it. He can handle the fear. It's the anger he gets triggered by. I want to not be scary when I'm scared. I want to own the primary feeling and discuss it or even better go off by myself and do something to manage it because he isn't responsible for my feelings. I am!

I want my protectors to stay away for a few weeks unless someone other than my husband seems like a threat because protectors you all are hurting this body with all that adrenaline. I love you and I appreciate your intentions but we really need to take a break from all of that.