Relationship Did I do the right thing by breaking up with him?

[caligirl03]

I think more than anything the awful things he said were insight into how bad things have gotten for him. I know what he said was so f*cked up, and I'm not sure there's any coming back from it. But that aside, I'm worried about him, especially since yesterday he told me he'd been thinking about how and where he would commit suicide if he "were to do it." But then quickly dismissed it by saying "but I never would." I really don't know what to make of that and am seriously considering reaching out to a couple people that are close to him since currently I'm pretty much the only person who knows about any of this.

 

[blackemerald1]

were insight into how bad things have gotten for him.

I'm worried about him,

he would commit suicide

^So I reckon there are two people in this relationship and it looks like both are hurting a lot. I've no investment in seeing you reunite or stay apart but it's obvious you care very much about his health either way.

I'd suggest you get to see your T (if you have one) or someone who can help you sort out the chaff from the hay. A professional because I and probably you, cannot really tell what might be emotional blackmail, sounding off or for real.

I think your idea of contacting his friends so that they can reach out to him is sound.

What happens down the track in terms of your relationship can be worked out ...down the track. There is no hurry for you to reunite particularly if he is so volatile right now. Staying away from him and hold your ground until things calm down is quite sensible.

I guess if you really want to, and he's willing, couples counselling might be a good way of dealing with either staying together or breaking up.

You don't say what the underlying argument was about. I'm not saying it's important in terms of any justifications for what he subsequently said to you. However, if it's important to you and or, possibly his ongoing health and care, does that still need to be sorted? If so, can his friends help with that too? Possibly leaving a message for his T if you consider that appropriate. Idk...

I can appreciate you are worried for his health and safety. However you must be safe. I'm concerned that this all took place via phone and also relieved that it did. It avoided anything physical happening to you but it also prevented a proper in person discussion.

 

[Butterfly64]

My sufferer and I were in an argument when he told me he wanted to "smash my face into the pavement." I broke up with him right then and there as I feel like he just went way too far, even if he was just "talking out of anger." Did I overreact or make the right choice?

I was with my ex sufferer for two years. He has CPTSD and constant back pains from being assaulted 100 times from when he looked after violent, mentally ill men. He has not been able to work for app. 8 years. He has a temper, however, he has never raised his voice at me once....not once. We have had some discussions over the past two years regarding him not being able to be in an official relationship with me....he can’t do intimacy....and he has felt pushed and pressured by me. He would take the talks with me every single time, even though his stress cup ran over and he would be exhausted for the rest of the day. He could have dumped me, yelled at me and gotten mad at me. He never did.
So....I don’t know your guy....if he had anger issues before he was diagnosed with PTSD, but I would never stay with somebody who threatened me. No matter how much pressure he was under. I would walk away in a heartbeat even if it hurt like hell.
I wish you the best??

 

[Sideways]

May not be relevant: threatening suicide? Is one of the indicators that a domestic relationship is headed for violence. Not because "he's just saying it to manipulate you" (although, it is emotional blackmail), but because it's a marker of his instability, and how unregulated his emotions have become.

He got angry. He made a threat. And even though there was no immediate risk of him carrying out that threat? The purpose of the threat was to make you feel weak, belittled, scared, at fault and unloved.

So you're right - there's a degree of disrespect there that it would be hard to salvage a relationship from. If he doesn't respect you? If he has times where he wants to make you afraid? That's not a loving, equal relationship founded on mutual respect.

Mutual respect would be "I want this person to feel safe with me all the time". Not some of the time. Not even most of the time. All the time. Making you feel scared shouldn't even be a potential on his radar if he respects you.

If/when he gets the help he needs and starts to treat you respectfully? Then maybe you revisit the possibility of a relationship. But when you stick with a person that doesn't respect you, you're treating yourself like you don't deserve respect. And that can (and too often is) catastrophic for a person's mental wellbeing.

Look after yourself first. He has a responsibility to himself to do the same.

 

[Justmehere]

My sufferer and I were in an argument when he told me he wanted to "smash my face into the pavement." I broke up with him right then and there as I feel like he just went way too far, even if he was just "talking out of anger."

I can not imagine a circumstance that I would call anyone that makes such threats a "keeper." You made a good decision. Way to respect yourself and to quickly recognize what isn't healthy or ok.

As for the suicidal thoughts, you could tell friends of his, but be careful to hold boundaries and take space so you don't get pulled in further. Right now, you are not the best support for him as a recent ex. I'd strongly push crisis lines and services his way, and if you ever get uncertain, you can call a crisis line, and they can give input on what you should do. Sometimes they can even reach out to the person on the phone themselves.

 

[LuckiLee]

It sounds like he needs more IRL support.

My guy has been there. Depression. Rage. SI. Self medication. Sleep deprived.... The minute he mentions suicide. I act. He's tried before so when he starts talking about it I know things are reeeeaaly bad. I've made him call the suicide prevention line. Twice. I take the threat seriously. If he wouldn't call I was going to. I have never regretted it and he has never been upset with me about it either.

He doesn't want to die. But in that moment it can look like the easiest option. One reason he doesn't have his guns in the house anymore.

I hope your guy reaches out for more help. He deserves it.

Take care!

 

[Ronin]

But that aside, I'm worried about him

Youre good people, Caligirl. Of course you worry.

But really, he should have thought of how troubled he is before he threatened you. This? Sounds just more violent guy trying to pull all strings to get you back, not even actually suicidal guy. Still the same harm to you tune. Only now hurting you by worry for his sorry ass.

 

[caligirl03]

I should clarify that he talked about suicide well before the f*cked up comment he made to me, so in all honesty I don't see that as being emotionally manipulative, or at least not intentionally. He really is going through hell right now. This time of year is always especially hard since it's an anniversary date, and this is the first time he's finally starting to open up about how it affects him.

He's also a combat vet so I feel like his PTSD symptoms often come out in the form of anger. In the past and before I had better boundaries, he definitely screamed at me inches from my face and called me every derogatory name in the book, making me feel very much unloved and unsafe in those moments. For some reason, after everything I've read and all the VA group sessions I've attended, I always thought this was sort of the nature of the beast and pretty standard combat PTSD behavior (although obviously not excusable), but maybe it's not...? I'm very confused now.

Either way, after therapy for both of us and drawing some hard lines in the sand, he knows those things won't fly anymore. It's also worth mentioning that even when he was in the midst of a blind rage, he never laid a finger on me nor said anything resembling violence like he did yesterday, which is why I think I was so taken aback by it. He was pretty surprised by my reaction, especially because in his opinion, saying some bullshit in the heat of the moment isn't as bad as some of the other things he's said and done, and he honestly believes he's made progress.

I did reach out to a mutual family friend and also a vet crisis line who all agree there's cause for concern and that he needs pretty immediate help. It's just so weird because when I talk to him he's so convincingly nonchalant, it's hard to square with some of the other things he's been saying.

 

[Justmehere]

I did reach out to a mutual family friend and also a vet crisis line who all agree there's cause for concern and that he needs pretty immediate help. It's just so weird because when I talk to him he's so convincingly nonchalant, it's hard to square with some of the other things he's been saying.

As a sufferer, I've been suicidal and totally chill at the same time. I'm not sure what nonchalant might mean for him interally, but there is a weird kind of false "relief" that suicidal thinking can bring for some people. For me, it was like I had an escape plan, things would be "ok." It can be a red flag if someone gets calmer after talking about suicide. There is also a point where things get so bad, I go numb. It's not an absence of pain. It's that I'm too overwhelmed to feel it or express it except in moments of dysregulation. He may also be trying to reassure you while also being in a lot of pain. I don't know if any of that is what is going on for him, but I'm glad a family member and the crisis line is aware he is struggling so they can step in and help.

 

[Sideways]

It can be a red flag if someone gets calmer after talking about suicide.

This. Every time I was about to make an attempt? Chilled as a cucumber. Because all my problems were about to be solved.

Thing is? Threatening suicide? Threatening you? Are not acceptable ways for him to deal with his anger. Ptsd or no? That's not okay.

Glad you're getting help with this. It sounds like this has been an escalation on the way he's previously behaved when angry.

Escalations, rather than finding healthier ways to deal with his anger? Nup. That makes you unsafe. Because you don't know when those escalations turn into physical violence. So, until he's doing better? Keep yourself safe. It's not helpful to him for people to tolerate unacceptable threats of violence.

 

[EmpoweredGirl]

He's also a combat vet so I feel like his PTSD symptoms often come out in the form of anger. In the past and before I had better boundaries, he definitely screamed at me inches from my face and called me every derogatory name in the book, making me feel very much unloved and unsafe in those moments. For some reason, after everything I've read and all the VA group sessions I've attended, I always thought this was sort of the nature of the beast and pretty standard combat PTSD behavior (although obviously not excusable), but maybe it's not...? I'm very confused now

Supporter of a combat vet here. I just wanted to let you know that him calling you derogatory names and yelling in your face is NOT the nature of the beast. It’s unhealthy and totally unacceptable on his part. Please don’t fall into the trap of making his unacceptable behavior in your relationship acceptable solely because he has PTSD. It’s not fair to either one of you. I’m sending you hugs.

 

[Gs172003]

As a sufferer, I've been suicidal and totally chill at the same time. I'm not sure what nonchalant might mean for him interally, but there is a weird kind of false "relief" that suicidal thinking can bring for some people. For me, it was like I had an escape plan, things would be "ok." It can be a red flag if someone gets calmer after talking about suicide. There is also a point where things get so bad, I go numb. It's not an absence of pain. It's that I'm too overwhelmed to feel it or express it except in moments of dysregulation. He may also be trying to reassure you while also being in a lot of pain. I don't know if any of that is what is going on for him, but I'm glad a family member and the crisis line is aware he is struggling so they can step in and help.

I agree. I do the same thing.