What do you for people that act like they want help but don't really?

[Gs172003]

How do you handle it? For example a guy I work with with complain about his exgirlfriend, the mother of his kids, and ask me what to do. I'll give him advice but he won't take it then does it again. I see this kind of thing all the time. I feel like some people don't really want help, they want ? Sympathy? Attention? Somewhere to dump their issues? I don't know but how do you deal with it? Just ignore it? Smile and nod? It's aggravating. He's not the only one that does it to me but he does it the most often.

 

[grit]

Whatever they want, now they got you to carry it for them. People who lack insight are all over enough to clog work, friends, family...they are everywhere....the best way is to agree with them and further to even advocate for them like saying this gf is not good she using you...repeat whatever they say....very soon you see two things happen: they get bored with you cause you are not carrying their anxiety.or interestingly enuf they defend themselves or the gf and see all the things you said before and pretend it is their idea now. Win win.

 

[HealingMama]

People change when they are ready. You can plant seeds but you don't have any say in their timeline.

When going through the worst of my adult crises, situations I've not shared here, I was that person. I was venting to all my friends, same problem each time, most of them giving me advice I didn't take. I was ambivalent about my issue and how to resolve it, and really just needed emotional support but in our society it is frowned upon to just say aaaassh here's all this heavy emotional stuff plaguing me. We are supposed to seek solutions so we ask for them even if we just want to feel heard.

I try to keep in mind it's not my business whether someone solves a problem that isn't affecting me.

Sometimes I bypass the advice and just say noncommittal things to show I'm listening because they will change the situation if or when the pain of where they are is worse than the pain of changing.

 

[Friday]

Someone asking for my advice isn’t a commitment to follow my advice.

They want my opinion? Sure. Here it is. Shrug. That’s all there is to it, IMO. Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one, ya know? I very rarely give my opinion unasked, but being asked doesn’t carry an obligation on either side. I don’t have to share my thoughts with them, and they don’t have to abide by what I think.

I feel like some people don't really want help, they want ? Sympathy? Attention? Somewhere to dump their issues?

People ask for advice who a whooooooole helluva lotta different reasons. Sure, those 4 are some possible motivations, on the negative side of the columns.

- More neutral reasons would be; a sounding board, different perspectives, brainstorming, curiosity, etc.
- Meanwhile more positive motivations would be things like; they respect me regardless of their knowledge of my experience in those issues, they admire the way I’ve handled something similar, they trust me to reality check &/or call them on bullshit, or they value our friendship and are keeping me informed as to the hard parts of their life, etc.

 

[Gs172003]

Someone asking for my advice isn’t a commitment to follow my advice.

They want my opinion? Sure. Here it is. Shrug. That’s all there is to it, IMO. Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one, ya know? I very rarely give my opinion unasked, but being asked doesn’t carry an obligation on either side. I don’t have to share my thoughts with them, and they don’t have to abide by what I think.



People ask for advice who a whooooooole helluva lotta different reasons. Sure, those 4 are some possible motivations, on the negative side of the columns.

- More neutral reasons would be; a sounding board, different perspectives, brainstorming, etc.
- Meanwhile more positive motivations would be things like; they respect me regardless of their knowledge of my experience in those issues, they admire the way I’ve handled something similar, they trust me to reality check &/or call them on bullshit, or they value our friendship and are keeping me informed as to the hard parts of their life, etc.

True. I guess I don't know how to deal with the constant rehashing of the same thing and no end. This has been going on for a a few years now lol He will complain about the same stuff but do absolutely nothing about it. What do I do with that?

 

[Friday]

What do I do with that?

Personally... it depends on the person, our relationship, & how much they’re annoying me.

For some people I am a font of endless patience. For others I yank them up short, fast, and hard. Some I basically just ignore. Others I flip them shit about it, because I’ve decided if they’re going to make me miserable / to avoid misery as a general principle, I’m going to find what’s funny and roll with it. :sneaky: It’s a very case by case sort of thing. I don’t have a universal answer that I apply across the board to all people. I just do what feels right, in that moment, with that person.

 

[Gs172003]

Personally... it depends on the person, our relationship, & how much they’re annoying me.

For some people I am a font of endless patience. For others I yank them up short, fast, and hard. Some I basically just ignore. Others I flip them shit about it, because I’ve decided if they’re going to make me miserable / to avoid misery as a general principle, I’m going to find what’s funny and roll with it. :sneaky: It’s a very case by case sort of thing. I don’t have a universal answer that I apply across the board to all people. I just do what feels right, in that moment, with that person.

Thank you, I'll think on it.

 

[Deanna]

True. I guess I don't know how to deal with the constant rehashing of the same thing and no end. This has been going on for a a few years now lol He will complain about the same stuff but do absolutely nothing about it. What do I do with that?

Oh come on. You're his therapist and your flunking!! Lol!! He's in a negative pattern pretty deep. He does need a therapist. Next time you go to therapy, grab a business card. Then when he starts talking, hand him the card

 

[Gs172003]

Oh come on. You're his therapist and your flunking!! Lol!! He's in a negative pattern pretty deep. He does need a therapist. Next time you go to therapy, grab a business card. Then when he starts talking, hand him the card

Oh honey I've found him doctors, therapists, etc and he won't go.
I feel sorry for his kids. He has one that's autistic and won't or can't take the time to learn about it. I'm afraid he's going to cause that boy more harm than good.

 

[Deanna]

Oh honey I've found him doctors, therapists, etc and he won't go.
I feel sorry for his kids. He has one that's autistic and won't or can't take the time to learn about it. I'm afraid he's going to cause that boy more harm than good.

That's too bad. It really is. He sounds pretty " selfish" and it's either his way or no way. Maybe he's even turned it around to sound like pleasant conversation. ( something to say)

Just tell him that its not going to matter either way what you say and are pretty much over it. I guess you could call Child Protective Services and remain anonymous. What he's doing to his kids needs to stop.

 

[HealingMama]

True. I guess I don't know how to deal with the constant rehashing of the same thing and no end. This has been going on for a a few years now lol He will complain about the same stuff but do absolutely nothing about it. What do I do with that?

With that stuff if I know the person well and care about them I confront it. This bothers you but you won't fix it. I can't fix it for you. Do you want to fix it? Because I am out of ideas, and you don't seem interested in applying my suggestions anyway. So what's your goal in talking about it? Because nothing about this will change until you're ready to change it. Sometimes people honestly don't realize they are stuck. They have a victim mentality, they are reactive, and don't even see it.

That's a shame he has a kid with special needs and won't educate himself. He seems to struggle with taking responsibility for his life.

 

[Deanna]

That's a shame he has a kid with special needs and won't educate himself. He seems to struggle with taking responsibility for his life.

True. But that's not how he's going to learn. He'll get a follow up call when GS takes his kids away, then a court date because GS is going to call it in. Especially for the autistic child. The guy is beyond wanting to know a solution.