Why is relationship so scary for some sufferers?

[Butterfly64]

I too have been told by posters on this forum that I have not moved on in 4 years :)
@blackemerald1: When I read your post, I also thought : "You simply cannot know this. You cannot read Butterfly's mind. You can only know yourself and what you do. " SMILE! We all need this reminder you put out there and as repetitious as any post may seem to you, I want to gently and kindly remind you that each reader of any post may have a different experience. I know very well that Butterfly does not need me to do her battles or come to her defense. I do so cause I personally was about to write a post about how much stronger and how far she seemed to have gotten. Maybe I am wrong and you are right blackemerald1. It is all projection and perspective. I relate so very well to Butterfly's original curiosity "Why is it scary to sufferers?"... We all suffer (iow ..loose control??) when we feel an inability to control emotions and behaviours. Addicts are always asking themselves why can't I stop? In my case, I want to become more compassionate and more accepting of people who rage. The part of me that is scared to death is discovering another part that resists hurting someone who is already in pain. At work, I no longer fall apart when people rage. Nor do I feel a need to help them. And define please non relationship? I have many friendships that have lasted 40+ years and the intimacy changes in that time. And what about online relationships .. if you are growing and learning then these so called non relationships count. The idea that everyone you know is just a simulation created for you by your brain has become a less odd idea by younger generations who like all of us are entitled to ask questions. Having decided to have a relationship with someone who is hurting more often than he is not comes with a lot of responsibility. Even if I am ghosted which I may well already be, it is the realization that anyone can be the object of our love whether they believe to deserve it or not. The feeling may well fade but the ride was worth it. And if that makes me stuck in others eyes then I prefer them to keep their thoughts to themselves cause I would do it all again.

Amen and thank you I was infatuated with him...a dream...an illusion and then I woke up. Had I not known him as a friend/neighbor for four years prior to out situationship I would not have stayed for two years! I am NOT drawn to drama....I do not need to safe him or any man...why would I...that shit is exhausting! I want somebody who is stable and I have really learned to spot the red flags! I was on a date a month ago...very handsome man, but there were som red flags and so I ran. Didn’t even give him the benefit of the doubt...I was gone ?

 

[candor]

@Justmehere: I have a diagnosis myself ADHD and disassociative personality. I consider myself recovered from CPTSD though it wasn't called that back then.. So I am a sufferer who has ties to many sufferers. So I switch roles between supporter and sufferer. I struggle with boundaries but have greatly improved. I always have and will walk away from rage. I also believe that it can't be helped with some..that is where the compassion comes by not taking the rage as a serious threat. I wrote the post when at work and someone had raged at me 5 minutes before posting. I realize that I have a habit of staying off topic but this is a part of my symptoms as it is to be a bit verbose. Speaking now as a sufferer, half of my romantic relationships have been abusive. That is what has made them scary. I would be surprised if I ever ALLOWED that pattern to repeat itself. I have no control over what others do and I can and do react with less hurt and fear. Not in a numbing way but in a compassionate and understanding way.

 

[Justmehere]

@candor - Your post about actually read more like it was written more from the experience of a victim of abuse than a supporter setting healthy boundaries. I didn't want to say that because it's your head and heart, you know the best.

Not taking people at their word when they make threats is not the path to safety. Sufferer or supporter. No reason to run and hide in fear, or to hate the person. I have people rage at me and my staff at work too. I have to remain calm, it's my job, but I sure do take any and all threats seriously and take people at their word. Anyone threatens me or my staff, they are asked to leave and/or face other consequences for what they say and how they behave, face-value... . I do not rely on my fallible interpretations that they didn't mean it or that it's worse than what they said. I take them face value, and I am safer for it. If they didn't mean it, well, that doesn't matter. I'm not in their head. Not my job to be in their head. That's bad boundaries. It's on others to communicate what they mean and when they fail to do so, and say threats they do not mean, that's on them. My point is that "no" isn't the opposite of love - even though your abusers probably wanted you to never say no to them. (And I hope that the workplace rager is facing consequences or limits for their behavior.)

 

[LuckiLee]

@Butterfly64, it seems like you are giving him too many mixed signals.(I know he is too) "I'm done. You can't contact me again". Those are some very strong comments to make yet you also tell him you'll contact him. Why?

If your boundary is he needs to be in therapy and he's not...

That's my boundary too. Untreated PTSD is a no go for me. J was untreated when we first started seeing each other and then PTSD hit the fan. We are tackling it together.

(I started this post last night and didn't finish it but it looks like my thoughts are the same as @joeylittle, @blackemerald1 and @Justmehere.)

 

[Butterfly64]

@Butterfly64, it seems like you are giving him too many mixed signals.(I know he is too) "I'm done. You can't contact me again". Those are some very strong comments to make yet you also tell him you'll contact him. Why?

If your boundary is he needs to be in therapy and he's not...

That's my boundary too. Untreated PTSD is a no go for me. J was untreated when we first started seeing each other and then PTSD hit the fan. We are tackling it together.

(I started this post last night and didn't finish it but it looks like my thoughts are the same as @joeylittle, @blackemerald1 and @Justmehere.)

My boundary is not that he needs to be in therapy, because too many things have been said and done. I really don’t want him anymore. I hope that he seeks help at one point because he deserves to get better. He contacted after a month even though we both agreed that we would both be better off with no contact. I have stated many times in here that I am no good for him...his head is a mess each time he sees me or we text. So me telling him not to contact me again is so I can let go 100 percent (I guess I have let go app. 90 percent and the remaining 10 percent is purely desire and ”the dream”). I need peace so I can let go of the desire and the dream. So I did it for me, but also for him...so he can hopefully stop thinking about me every day, because he does that. And yes over the past year I have also given him mixed signals because suddenly I was the one who pulled away because I was reaching my breaking point...suddenly he wasn’t the only one who was running...so was I. I told him not to contact because I know he will contact me over and over again and we both need to heal. I didn’t want to make him feel like we will never talk again...we have known each other six years and I am not cutting him completely out of my life, but it would not be good for either of us to talk again for a long time.

I actually didn’t tell him “we are done” I told him that us texting isnt good for either of us...that it was nice seeing him one hour for coffe after not having seen him for 1,5 month, but it would be best that we go no contact again...that this time he shouldn’t break the no contact agreement because it messes with his head more than it does with mine...that I will contact somewhere down the line. ?

 

[LuckiLee]

You'll "contact somewhere down the line".....and again, continue the crazy making rollercoaster.

✌

 

[Butterfly64]

You'll "contact somewhere down the line".....and again, continue the crazy making rollercoaster.

✌

I don’t want him anymore so why would I do that? If we have both gotten over each other I can’t see why we can’t go back to being friends like we were before we got together. If he is not ready for that then I will obviously leave him alone.

 

[LuckiLee]

Are you saying you're "over him"?

 

[Butterfly64]

Are you saying you're "over him"?

I say...and have done for quite some time now....I don’t want him. You can think someone is still attractive, but not want them. Over him...not quite yet, but getting closer to it bit by bit. Hence the no contact agreement...a month with no contact was an immense help to me...helped me see a lot clearer.

 

[Justmehere]

Do you have other friends to spend with instead of him?

I’m a little concerned you are still thinking that it is a good path for a friendship that feels not scary to be addicted to someone, done with someone, state that any contact is unhealthy for the other person, cut off contact, manage their limits for them because you don’t like how they manage their limits, then you are not over them... and then state one is planning on seeking a friendship with them. It’s a heck of a lot of chaos and confusion!

Do you have others in your life for friends?

I actually didn’t tell him “we are done” I told him that us texting isnt good for either of us...that it was nice seeing him one hour for coffe after not having seen him for 1,5 month, but it would be best that we go no contact again...that this time he shouldn’t break the no contact agreement because it messes with his head more than it does with mine...that I will contact somewhere down the line. ?

Ouch. You are trying to change his managment of his limits for him. Not grounds for a friendship that feels safe/good and not scary/chaotic.

But hey, it’s your choice to keep doing what you are doing. I encourage you to weigh out the pros and cons of continuing on the same path you are on vs engaging in some counseling to find another path forward that is not as painful for you and is less confusing for others.

 

[Butterfly64]

Do you have other friends to spend with instead of him?

I’m a little concerned you are still thinking that it is a good path for a friendship that feels not scary to be addicted to someone, done with someone, state that any contact is unhealthy for the other person, cut off contact, manage their limits for them because you don’t like how they manage their limits, then you are not over them... and then state one is planning on seeking a friendship with them. It’s a heck of a lot of chaos and confusion!

Do you have others in your life for friends?

Ouch. You are trying to change his managment of his limits for him. Not grounds for a friendship that feels safe/good and not scary/chaotic.

But hey, it’s your choice to keep doing what you are doing. I encourage you to weigh out the pros and cons of continuing on the same path you are on vs engaging in some counseling to find another path forward that is not as painful for you and is less confusing for others.

He wants us to go back to being friends. But only when he “is over me”. He has said many times that it is best for him if we stop seeing each other for a long time....I am not setting limits for him....he needs time away from me, he says.... but he wasn’t able to stay away. I have never ever just cut off contact...we agreed on no contact and he contacted any way. When I told him that we have to go no contact again he agreed completely.

I have some really good friends, thank you, who have been extremely supportive of me and I love them dearly and I am actually on a better path towards healing than I have been for the past two years.
Keep doing what I am doing? I am trying to move on and heal...hence the no contact. It is best for the both of us...he wants no contact just as much as I do....and then in a moment of weakness he contacts me. I blocked his number....not to be rude to him, but I have to take care of me and let him take care of him.

 

[blackemerald1]

Maybe I am wrong and you are right blackemerald1.

^There is no wrong or right in my suggestion Candor.

Addicts are always asking themselves why can't I stop?

^Sorry no... most addicts are usually telling themselves, "I can stop anytime I want to" - They may have some idea that they're in too deep with the source of the addiction. An uneasy feeling or a defiant feeling perhaps but outwardly and inwardly despite their quiet unease they try to convince themselves and others that they are in control.

People on the outside see the lack of control and frequently suffer a great deal as a result of not being believed or not being able to convince the addict that there is an addiction and there is a need for recovery from that addiction.

Frequently an addict must lose almost everything at the expense of the addictive source before they may ask themselves 'why can't I stop'. Almost always, when an addict asks themselves that question there is a moment of pivot, a moment when great change and recovery can begin if it is explored.

And define please non relationship?

^In the context of Butterfly's posts only.

I have many friendships that have lasted 40+ years and the intimacy changes in that time. And what about online relationships .

^Well done you candor :) Now I suppose you are expanding your idea of what constitutes a relationship. So that puts your post about relationships into a different perspective? Idk... In any case again, I was commenting on Butterfly's post. Not you.

Having decided to have a relationship with someone who is hurting more often than he is not comes with a lot of responsibility.

^I'm sorry the relevance of this statement escapes me. Where you suggesting that I or other forum members didn't know this?

Forum members know the responsibilities of engaging in life, work, study & relationships whilst suffering the effects of ptsd. That's why we are all here... learning how we deal with ptsd and how others do too. Perhaps something got lost in the context or the translation... sorry.

And if that makes me stuck in others eyes then I prefer them to keep their thoughts to themselves

^Again :sorry: I wasn't writing about your personal experience.

But even if I was you don't get to prefer forum members keep their thoughts to themselves.

It's in the exchange of ideas/thoughts and experiences on this forum that we begin to unravel our own puzzles. If you don't like what I or anyone else thinks and writes you may ignore it. We can all do that - just like in real life not everyone you meet will agree with you or anyone else. Even people you like will disagree with you from time to time. And sometimes the opposite view of others help to balance a discussion and move it beyond a cluster of agreement.