Dealing with difficult people

[Vero]

I'm still trying to figure out how to relate to some people in my life, especially family members. I'm in my mid 20's and live with my grandmother because I wanted to be more independent from my parents and I'm thinking about moving out on my own as soon as possible. Until that happends, I need to have a decent relationship with her and I just cannot bring myself to put more effort into it. From when I was little until some years ago she lived with us (with me and my parents) and she has hurt our family so much....I was in denial over it because on the other hand she can also be nice and helpful but the things she sometimes did or said were awful. Now that we live together I can physically barely stand her presence, everything she does annoys me to some level. I don't want to feel like this and I'm never rude to her or anything, just very private but she always wants to know where I'm going, what I'm doing, to be involved in my life and I just want space. Growing up, she would constantly blame me for not loving her and taking her for granted but I didn't knew what she expected from me. Trying to talk to her about very practical issues is useless because she gets very defensive and tells me she's going to leave or die because we don't want her and to just wait for her to die (same answer as always...)
I guess my question after all this rant is how to communicate with her...she tells me she can feel I cannot stand her even if I try to hide it the best I can, I guess I just give off a vibe or something. The sad truth is that she's damn right about it but I'll never admit it. I try to smile and be polite and everything even if I'm forcing myself but I guess I'm not good at faking.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm in my mid 20's and live with my grandmother because I wanted to be more independent from my parents and I'm thinking about moving out on my own as soon as possible.

^If you are wanting to be independent than living with anyone that supports you is, by definition not being independent.

It seems that at one level you are accepting help and support from your grandmother but the terms of what and how you repay your grandmother have not been made clear or even accepted. So there is some angst from both sides evidently.

If you are in her house then I reckon her rules apply.

If you don't like her rules then I guess leaving would be the best thing you could do.

Asking where you are going and what you may be doing isn't really intrusive coming from a grandmother - is it?

If it was the next door neighbour or someone that you have no relationship with, then fine I can see why that would be intrusive.

If you want complete privacy - live with a house/flat mate that you don't know or have no relationship with or on your own. Then nobody will ask unless you step on house-rules or breach agreements.

I'm all for working on relationships but you don't honestly seem too keen on maintaining any sort of friendly connection. Faking it hardly seems adequate and she knows anyway. Carrying over things or actions she once did to your family and then deciding to reside in her home seems strange to me. So either you set those things aside and move on or consider moving out?

Your grandmother sounds like she's perpetually disappointed in what you can put into the relationship with her anyway.

how to communicate with her...she tells me she can feel I cannot stand her even if I try to hide it the best I can,

^That's so sad Vero. But if you must communicate then remember respect, respect, respect. You don't need to fake that anytime or to anyone.

 

[Lionheart]

I am not usually one to give relationship advice so please bear with me.

I don't know what things your grandmother has done to hurt you and your family, but I personally would suggest accepting her as she is. She is old and not likely to change. I also think it is rather normal for a grandmother to want to be involved in your life. Don't you?

If I were you I would consider it a blessing and be thankful that you have someone who wants to be involved in your life. She is not going to live forever. And you may want to remember that the things you do and say today cannot be changed once she is gone, so put some thought into whatever you decide to do.

My mother was overly critical of the things I did, but I had to accept that she probably was not going to change...she didn't change and so I loved her the best I could. We still had a close relationship,...even though it wasn't perfect. My mom is gone now and all I can think about is that I miss her, even her being overly critical of me. It was just her way (even if it did irritate me to no end). I am so sorry for the mean things I said to her when I was angry, I really have some deep regrets.

Anyways, I am not saying your grandmother is right to guilt trip you or be all nosey and up in your personal business, but she is still your grandmother. Take a little responsibility for the relationship and if things are not the way you like, tell her so, but try doing it in a loving way. Ask for some space or whatever you are wanting. Perhaps you could even compromise and find something that you can comfortably share with her.

If you are not willing to try then maybe the problem lies with you and not your grandmother. Maybe she is a total pain and in the wrong. You may feel you are justified in treating her poorly, but as they say, two wrongs don't make a right. Can you be the bigger person and just try to get along with her until you can put some physical space between you? I agree with what @blackemerald1 has said and hope you can work something out until you are able to leave out on your own.

If my suggestions aren't helpful, then I apologize, but please keep them in mind just in case things change. I'm just trying to be helpful.

 

[Vero]

There is a lot of ambiguity in my relationship with her...I do live in her house but I have a job and never ask money from her. I'm gone most of the day since I work long hours so we don't spend that much time together either. I'm always telling myself I'm going to try to be more friendly and when I come home I think ahead of time of something to share from that day so she will not think I'm avoiding her, but it's always an effort for me. When she is upset with me I ask her what have I done wrong but she doesn't have a specific answer, like "you said this to me" or "you did this to me" I think she just wants to have a closer relationship with me, but I don't know how to get there because I constantly feel like avoiding her...

I guess the next question would be why do I don't move out...I kind of followed my sister footsteps who also moved from my parents house and lived with my grandmother for some years until she got married. She also needs help as she is old and doesn't want to leave the house so I honestly thought I could help with the groceries and stuff. I never thought it would be so difficult to live with her...

 

[Mee]

Would a house share with strangers be a possibility? This can be a tremendous opportunity to to have realistic boundaries. It certainly means reducing saving opportunities, but it also means having emotional liberty.

 

[Vero]

@Mee I'm seriously thinking about it. I just recently moved in with my grandmother (1 month ago) and I will need to find a good reason to tell her why I want to leave so soon... otherwhise it will only confirm her belief that we do not get along and will mess our relationship even more. Anyway, we'll see...

 

[Mach123]

Seperation anxiety, leaving the nest. It's not supposed to be easy. I understand where your thinking is and it's always being torn. IDK why but everything it seems is like that.

I'm sure you and your grandmother have done plenty to upset each other's boundaries. Being a pain in the ass is what we all seem best at.

Be as sweet and gentle with an old lady as you can and, move out on your own as soon as possible. : )

 

[Mee]

@Mee I'm seriously thinking about it. I just recently moved in with my grandmother (1 month ago) and I will need to find a good reason to tell her why I want to leave so soon... otherwhise it will only confirm her belief that we do not get along and will mess our relationship even more. Anyway, we'll see...

‘You have been so generous in giving me a launching pad from my parents home and building my confidence. This time has confirmed to me that it’s important for me to experience a bit of time living independently, or as independently as I can with people who are peers and who make no allowances for me based on familial ties. I think it’s good preparation for future adult life and learning to be a good partner if I get married in the future; learning to be independently contributive to a household with which I have no history.’

Its about YOU not her. It’s not her failing it’s your growth. :)

 

[blackemerald1]

when I come home I think ahead of time of something to share from that day so she will not think I'm avoiding her, but it's always an effort for me.

^With respect, why don't you ask her about her day? Finding something to talk about might be right in front of you. Rather than bring things from outside of her perspective and possibly her imagination and which may be alien to her... start with what she has been doing today and build a foundation of trust and balanced interaction. Look for things in common Vero.

Also, just be with her too. Sit in silence. I've noticed with elderly people that often companionship translates to sitting in company with someone and not necessarily talking all the time.

I just recently moved in with my grandmother (1 month ago)

^Wow.. one month and you cannot stand to be around her? Seriously, Vero... give this a better effort if you want to have a relationship that is memorable for something else aside from conflict and negativity. Like all good relationships - work by both sides is required and btw ... far more than one month! Considering you are at work all day anyway that really isn't amounting to a lot of time is it?

 

[scout86]

I was going to suggest asking about her day too.

I have no idea what the history is here, but how much of it do YOU know? (I'm going to add that I'm not going with "the elderly" here, because I've noticed some people think elderly is pretty close to my age, and i still shoe horses for a living.)

Anyway, I'd look at it as an opportunity to learn some family history and ask her a bunch questions about her life. What it was like growing up, how did she meet your grandfather, etc. I'd also be a little curious about why she doesn't want to leave the house. That seems a little sad.

Some people are difficult in ways that are nearly impossible to overcome. I deal with those by not dealing with them. A lot of people, though, turn out to be easier to deal with when you know their backstory. And their own version of it, not the story you've been told by everyone else. Most people (not all) like talking about themselves. You might want to give that a try. The catch is, you actually DO have to listen. And not judge. She's telling you a story. Her version of her story. You need to keep in mind we all get our own story, whether anyone else agrees with us or not.

 

[blackemerald1]

I've noticed some people think elderly is pretty close to my age, and i still shoe horses for a living.)

^Yeah - two things to say about you though scout. Firstly, you are awesome and secondly it is legal and quite ok, last time I checked for elderly, older, whatever people to shoe horses. :) So be proud of it. Yes!!

 

[Mee]

^Yeah - two things to say about you though scout. Firstly, you are awesome and secondly it is legal and quite ok, last time I checked for elderly, older, whatever people to shoe horses. :) So be proud of it. Yes!!

Ha, I think my farrier wishes doing one of mine was outlawed. It is a great shame to me that she is sedated each time he visits and she still is not happy. I think it’s a reflection of how I feel about trusting others :(.