Other Incontinence

[Michael G.]

My name is Mike. I am writing to get support about this condition I have had for as long as I can remember. I was neglected and severely abused as a child, so much so that my motor skills did not develop fully. But in addition to that I have been partially incontinent all my life. When I was a child I tried to hide it, but other kids noticed when I wet myself and it was really humiliating. The situation got worse when I got older, instead of better, because the abuse continued until I was 19 when I told my abusive mother that I would kill her if she ever hit me with an object again. I meant it - and she knew it, so she stopped hitting me.

And now I'm 45 and I have to wear diapers most of the time because I wet and mess myself intermittently, and in some very unfortunate situations, like on a retreat, in bed and sometimes when I am having an anxiety attack. Thankfully these accidents don't generally happen in public.

But it is a difficult thing to deal with to say the least. I've always been confused. I really wanted to wear diapers because then I would be safe from others finding out about my incontinence, and they would prevent me from damaging other's property. At the same time, I didn't want to wear them because it made me feel like a baby, and I needed to be a man and it doesn't seem very manly to do that. Yet the feelings of regression eased the anxiety, and that is the reason for the incontinence in the first place; but those feelings go down to the core of my emotions. As much as I would like them to stop, they never go away for long.

Now I need to learn to accept my plight. I am now receiving financial aid to help with the cost of incontinence supplies and that is a relief because they are expensive and I am living on SSDI. I've been disabled all my adult life, and sometimes I get very depressed about all this. I'm trying to put myself out there more with the help of counselors and therapists, but it seems I will always be dealing with this particular condition. Some scars never heal.

Is there anyone else out there who ever experienced anything like this? Or am I the only one? Or if you haven't had this symptom, could you tell me what your thoughts are about it? PTSD sucks, but I don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself for the rest of my life either. Any encouragement would be much appreciated. Every little bit helps. I've seen doctors and tried medications and it seems that I'm better off handling this condition as I am now. I just don't like being alone with this issue. It's very personal but I am putting myself out there on this forum in a show of trust. Please reply, it would do me a world of good.

MG

 

[Grama-Herc]

MG,

While I can not begin to grasp how difficult the conditon you are dealing with might be, I do have some understanding. My anxiety attacks include raging diarreha. My body works against me leaving the house, see I have agoraphobia. Many times, when I have to go out for food or meds, I will start to sweat and then the diarrhea hits me and I know I'll not be going to the store today, because my body told me--"Nope, ain't gonna go out today." So, in a way, I can identify with you, but just a little bit.

We all are using some kind coping skills. It could be medication, or therapy, or some other form of help that works for us, just so we can survive in a world that was created for us by others. The incontinence issue you are having has a semi-solution that enables you to live your life, so IMHO---go for it and don't care what others think. If they don't understand or freak out then screw em--- they were not your friends anyway. Someone who truly likes you, etc. will understand. We all suffer from some form of physical issues because of ptsd. OK!

Once you get use to me, you will find I have a tendency to deal with most issues with humor, or at least try to. So, with that being said------I just can't resist sending this little bright, smart ass remark your way. I really hope it puts a smile on your face as intended. So, keep the faith, find humor in all things, and always remember--- """""We all started life in 'britches' and we end up in them too!"""""

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Mike,

I haven't experienced it, no. But your story did touch me. I read a book called 'Ugly' written by Contance Briscoe. She was plagued by bed wetting as a result of physical abuse, etc. She went on to become one of the first black female judges in the United Kingdom and has done a lot of work advocating for sufferers of mental illness (those damn lawyers eh :P). Her story truly is inspiring and when you read it you can understand how isolating and humiliating such a condition can be. However, as truly hard as it is to read at times - it is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. I personally think you are incredibly brave to post about such an issue - KUDOS BRO! Anyone who judges you over something like that just ain't worth your time.

-Jen

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Mike,
I am afraid I don't have any answers for you, but I would like to add how brave you are to post such a personal story. That is the great thing about this forum - the fact that we all have our very personal issues that we cannot share at home, but here seems to be a very safe place to share them and look for support. I hope others with more experience are able to offer more sensible replies.

I appreciate that you have tried a bucket load of meds to help you with this, to no avail, but I wondered what else you might have tried... any forms of 'therapy'? Do I get that you 'like' wearing diapers as they make you feel safe, but you don't like having accidents. Please forgive me if I offend you, but do you ever have an accident to justify the continued use of your safety net? I don't wish to hurt you with inconsiderate questions but am trying to look at this from all angles.

Best Wishes,
Lucy x

 

[AdamAnt]

Hey Michael, kudoes on your courage to broach such a stigmatized problem. I don't know if I have any answers, but I do have maybe a piece of the puzzle for you.

I'd think that perhaps the muscles used to control your contenance might need to be excersized to bring them up to a task you haven't been asking of them.

I've been reading a book about "the Tantra" and in there it describes excersizes to strengthen the muscles that I'd think will help you if indeed lack of muscle tone is a factor for you. Just so you aren't surprised, the tantra is sexual in nature, but I believe the goal is the same in some respects!

Good luck to you!

 

[Lucycat]

Hi again
I had a long lonely drive today and was thinking about you. I previously have posted about my problem with vomiting and was wondering if this is so different. I was previously vomiting at least 2 - 3 times a week. After I finally plucked up the courage to discuss with my T. I had one EMDR session for it and have not vomited since. I know that sounds very simplistic, and the truth is that one session was incredibly hard, but it has done the trick. Have you tried EMDR?

Let us know how you are getting on.

I care!
regards
Lucy x

 

[Michael G.]

Thanks to all of you. Lucycat asks a few good questions. I don't know what EMDR is. Perhaps you could explain it to me. I might be interested - at this point, and coming from other PTSD sufferers especially, I would be willing to try anything that sounded reasonable both from a practical and a financial standpoint. Let me know what EMDR is so I can check into it.

As for Lucycat's other question about whether I ever had accidents to justify using my safety net, I must say that the question has puzzled me for a long time. I would ask myself..."Do I wear diapers because I know that I will inevitably have an accident, or, do I have an accident so I will inevitably wear diapers?" Goddammit it drives me crazy just thinking about it! When I look at myself honestly, I can tell you that sometimes I become so depressed that I am indifferent to my need to use the bathroom. At the same time I feel a strong emotional desire to regress and to be cared for how other children were cared for as I wasn't. The feeling is a yearning I cannot describe except to say that it is physical. It isn't a way of thinking - it just happens; it comes over me. And when it overcomes me I have the accidents.

This has been going on since I was as young as four years old. It got worse as I got older, and today the problem is one of those things where I have good days and bad days. It is unpredictable and that is why, after many years of fighting with my male ego, I decided to allow myself to wear the diapers, and to talk about it with those who are trustworthy, as I can see you are. The major problem with using these adult sanitary products is that they provide the occasion for accidents, so they seem to happen more often. I just can't win. But the alternative is to live with the anxiety and terror that comes with making a mess on the furniture, ruining my bed, or someone else's property.

I'm OK with what I need to do to take care of myself, even though it seems a bit odd. And the more friends who know the real me the better I feel, and that truly makes me feel safe, not wearing diapers. However, my incontinence is so deep seated that I don't know if it will ever go away - I've prayed with all my heart that it would, but it continues. My depression is long standing and is the result of sensory deprivation from an early age. I don't know of any medication or technique that can replace all I missed, or erase the neurological damage that such deprivation causes. Yet what is remarkable is that I haven't lost all hope for my life. I have known others to commit suicide, and though I don't blame them, it's just not an option for me.

I will live in spite of all this pain. It could be a helluva lot worse. A friend of mine just fought and recovered from lymphocytic leukemia. He's a hero of mine, especially after I saw how they just beat the shit out of him with the chemotherapy. If he can live with all that, then I can live with my depression and functional incontinence - no problem.

Thanks again, and if there is anyone out there who has experienced a problem like this (there is one thread by a carer who's husband, a veteran, had similar symptoms), then please leave your comments here. I need to hear from you.

MG

 

[Grama-Herc]

MG,

I can see you need someone with this issue to respond to you. In my heart I hope they do. Those of us without this issue just simply cannot grasp the pain this is causing you.

I hope things get better for you. But please realize we are here to help the ptsd side of you.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi MG,

I suggest you do a search, both on google, and here about EMDR. There are threads here in the therapy section about peoples experiences with EMDR, but you might want to search on google first to have a better understanding of EMDR therapy.

I don't have any experience of your issues, but kudos to you, for raising the subject.

Take care,
CB

 

[Michael G.]

I will do as you have suggested cherryblossom, and do a search about EMDR on google first, and then here on PTSD Forum.

And to Grama-Herc, I am glad to be here to discuss PTSD issues, my incontinence being only one of many symptoms I have to deal with. I understand it is the causes and conditions of the original shocking events and traumas that are a better focus than any symptom, because by coming to terms with the causes, many of the symptoms will improve of themselves. This is my hope: that by looking directly at these events, and identifying themes, I may find an increasing recovery from PTSD. I try to remember that these events are not happening now. Yet living with the devastation that remains is difficult. I hope that with time, the scars will heal. Perhaps, metaphorically speaking, surgery must be performed in therapy. That is painful, but it can lead to a greater degree of recovery, if handled properly.

I'm new to this forum, and I would love to get to know people here. I put myself out there with a very troubling symptom of mine right away, because it got it off my chest. Now I feel more comfortable speaking about other matters concerning PTSD since my most humbling "secret" has been revealed. I've heard it said that "You're only as sick as your secrets." I believe, now more than ever, that this is true.

Thanks again.
-MG

 

[Michael G.]

While I appreciate the kind comments of the five people who replied, there have as of right now been 1270 viewings of this thread. That's a lot. Doesn't anyone else have comments? I don't mean to complain, but it just seems odd that so many looked at this thread and only a very few replied to it. It just makes me wonder why. Is the subject too embarrassing? I didn't mean to make that impression. It's just a symptom that I must deal with. It seems rare though. Out of over a thousand people who looked, none could identify? If that's the case, then I feel very odd indeed.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Hey MG,

Just read your thread and my heart goes out to you. I like so many others have no experience or answers for you. I can only be a voice of support in your search for answers. Have you researched the EMDR yet? I have been doing research on it and will be starting it soon for very different issues. But boy, seems like a posibility. Wish I had more for you in the way of practicle, useful information. Don't give up!

PH