messy family, everyone's right and wrong

[Strangelongtrip]

My childhood growing up was kind of traumatic. Emotional and verbal abuse, etc. Narcissistic kind of father, distant kind of borderline mother with severe depression. Neither of them treated, my father a bit more so and had been to therapy and all. I have a sibling who has so much animosity towards them, and my parents have anger towards him for things he did BECAUSE of the way they were, but then things he did as an adult. I didn't experience the same trauma my sibling did. I was a witness to it, and I still have PTSD partially due to this and due to a later abusive relationship, but I didn't get it as bad. I understand his anger. I also sort of understand my parent's anger because some of the things my sibling did hurt me too. But I also understand why he did some of them, because he felt like he didn't have a choice.

My parents have grown tremendously in the last few years, since I've been in therapy. They're learning to regulate their emotions (something they never learned from their own families--I've become an avid "trauma tracer", tracing my family's perspective issues down the line), they're kinder, they listen, they're overall good parents now. I'm an adult but still live with them because I'm finishing up school and paying for it, and rent around here is ridiculous. I also have physical disabilities that make certain jobs hard (basically....everything. Sitting too long, standing too long, any of it. But I have skills and know how to market them for my own businesses). I'm at this awkward middle ground where I know both of them are wrong, and both of them are right, and it's messing up my black and white thinking. I can't compartmentalize them. I can't put them in easy boxes. And it makes me panic. I can't be safe if I can't figure out who's good and bad, and they're good and bad and in between.

I have a fantasy of moving far away and never dealing with my family again, just talking with them when I need to. I don't handle emotions well and I can't think my way to what's "normal". I can't think my way to what's perfectly right. It breaks my heart that I love them both and they hate each other and I have no way to fix it. I just have to sit with their perspective feelings and it makes me so uncomfortable. I don't know what to do other than escape. Get away from both of them. But I can't right now (although I have plans to move far away eventually).

 

[Ronin]

2 sets of boxes ;)

If you need to compartmentalize something so heavy into neater & lighter, or black & white in your case, you don't put it into one messy box.

You figure which parts they are right about, one box.
Which parts they're wrong about, other box.
Uncategorized still remaining grey zone waits, until time makes it clear which mental box it files into, well.

Or: Reaffirm functional boundaries and still uphold them, if you can't exit the territory, keep the rules of the land that work with least hassle.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @Ronin that makes sense. Sort it all out.

 

[HopeStrength]

My childhood growing up was kind of traumatic. Emotional and verbal abuse, etc. Narcissistic kind of father, distant kind of borderline mother with severe depression. Neither of them treated, my father a bit more so and had been to therapy and all. I have a sibling who has so much animosity towards them, and my parents have anger towards him for things he did BECAUSE of the way they were, but then things he did as an adult. I didn't experience the same trauma my sibling did. I was a witness to it, and I still have PTSD partially due to this and due to a later abusive relationship, but I didn't get it as bad. I understand his anger. I also sort of understand my parent's anger because some of the things my sibling did hurt me too. But I also understand why he did some of them, because he felt like he didn't have a choice.

My parents have grown tremendously in the last few years, since I've been in therapy. They're learning to regulate their emotions (something they never learned from their own families--I've become an avid "trauma tracer", tracing my family's perspective issues down the line), they're kinder, they listen, they're overall good parents now. I'm an adult but still live with them because I'm finishing up school and paying for it, and rent around here is ridiculous. I also have physical disabilities that make certain jobs hard (basically....everything. Sitting too long, standing too long, any of it. But I have skills and know how to market them for my own businesses). I'm at this awkward middle ground where I know both of them are wrong, and both of them are right, and it's messing up my black and white thinking. I can't compartmentalize them. I can't put them in easy boxes. And it makes me panic. I can't be safe if I can't figure out who's good and bad, and they're good and bad and in between.

I have a fantasy of moving far away and never dealing with my family again, just talking with them when I need to. I don't handle emotions well and I can't think my way to what's "normal". I can't think my way to what's perfectly right. It breaks my heart that I love them both and they hate each other and I have no way to fix it. I just have to sit with their perspective feelings and it makes me so uncomfortable. I don't know what to do other than escape. Get away from both of them. But I can't right now (although I have plans to move far away eventually).

___________

Sorry, it sounds like you are really conflicted. That can be painful. You might want to consider another perspective to ease your burden. Everyone in our life has positives and negatives. It is usually never ALL perfect or ALL bad. We all have qualities that are really good and we all struggle with stuff that is not so good. We are just built like that. The issue is how invested we are to trying to fix the things about ourselves that are not so great or hurt people. Everyone has their challenges. It is good that you are proud of your parents and their efforts. Parents don't come with a manual on how to parent, and if they have been hurt or didn't have good experiences, they carry it with them. At some point, if we choose to forgive, we free ourselves from the pain and we understand that they may never have meant to hurt us. It sounds like you understand this and I give you a lot of credit. You can't fix your brother's issues, only he can do that. He may have good reason as you say to be upset with them, but he also needs to figure out how to deal with that. If he wants distance from them, that is his choice. But his choice should not change what you want to do. You should allow yourself to love your parents and your brother. You should be able to spend time with all of them. Don't ne the referree or try to fix it. Let them know you don't want to be in the middle because it's just not a good place to be. But you should not have to choose between them. They are all your family and it sounds like you love them and want to have a relationship. Running away from it doesn't usually work, because the freedom is inside of you, not the physical distance. If this seems too hard, consider talking a counselor about this so you can vent and find a path of peace with it. I wish you well. Stay strong and follow your heart.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @HopeStrength that’s all really good information! I’ve been splitting between all good and all bad all weekend, it’s a bit better now. I’m not staying at home and haven’t been for a week and I sort of realized even if I am not with them they are “with me”. I can’t run from that so I have to work with it.

 

[grit]

I agree what others already said but I will add what is your role in the family? I ask that because in my experience, in family with traumatic childhood. adult children end up taking certain roles and that becomes its own burden. In my family which is bigger than yours we have the worrier carrying parental anxiety. We have the re-enforcers carrying parental aggression and anger. We have the sick love carrying approve me at any cost and we have the addicts for many different flavors abandoning fears etc and not to outdone we have the fawners and completely the detached and dissociated souls.
If you are so conflicted between traumatized adult sibling and in your perspective an improved parents today, I wonder where your blinds pots are that you need to resort extreme comportmentalizing and defending to the point of splitting?

Hope you figure it out.

 

[HopeStrength]

Thank you @HopeStrength that’s all really good information! I’ve been splitting between all good and all bad all weekend, it’s a bit better now. I’m not staying at home and haven’t been for a week and I sort of realized even if I am not with them they are “with me”. I can’t run from that so I have to work with it.

Stay strong. They are always a part of you but the challenges and the past do not need to define your future. You can heal and you can soar!

 

[Strangelongtrip]

In my family which is bigger than yours we have the worrier carrying parental anxiety. We have the re-enforcers carrying parental aggression and anger.

I think I'm both of these things. I'm having a panic attack over THEIR finances right now. They're unbothered on the couch watching elfin YouTube. Then I flip to anger. Angry that they aren't working as hard as me and are so lazy and entitled that they didn't get themselves out of this situation sooner. Then I get angry at myself for staying here this long. I could have done something, couldn't I? I could have done more. It's my fault. I've been having a panic attack or anxiety attack for the last 2 hours because of them.

 

[scout86]

I've been having a panic attack or anxiety attack for the last 2 hours because of them.

It can be helpful to believe that adults have the right to make their own mistakes. They are living THEIR lives, after all. It's really not your responsibility to fix their lives. Actually, maybe you don't even have the right to decide, for them, what's "right". I know it can be hard to see people you care about doing things that you think are mistakes but, don't people actually have a right make their own mistakes?

 

[Strangelongtrip]

@scout86 i guess I’m just sick of their mistakes affecting me. They stole money from me (bonds) to pay for our house stuff, and they owe me so much from helping them. I just help them bc I have nowhere to go. I could move in with my aunt and uncle but I know eventually I’d have to move. Rent around here is so expensive. They’re moving to a cheaper state where I could move out easier and I was going to go with them but now I don’t want to. Idk how to make enough money before then. I’m an adult but really I’m not. I’m dependent on them. And I’m sick of it. I also have an injury that makes it hard to drive, walk sometimes, chronic pain and I’m terrified of being alone and getting stuck.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I’m really at my breaking point. I want to self harm or just die so badly. I’m having repetitive thoughts of self harm. And this virus doesn’t make anything better with money. Like I feel like I’m never going to get out of this hole because it’s up to me to do it and I’m so depressed and anxious I struggle to do anything.

 

[scout86]

i guess I’m just sick of their mistakes affecting me.

That makes sense. You could look at it as helping yourself too, in that case.

I can't even imagine your situation. Really, I can't. I've lived all kinds of off the wall places because there was nothing else and it never even crossed my mind that my parents were an option. The advantage I had, probably, was that I had a few friends. So, I could crash in the attic of the house where one friend rented a room (landlord never knew), or on a front porch, or in the basement by the washing machine, or in my truck.... The things is, at the time I knew people who were willing and able to help me be creative and that's an advantage you might not have. I'm not sure where you live, what you're doing with your life, or what you're able to do, of course. There are actually jobs out there house sitting. I haven't checked in a long time, but there used to be a website called caretaker.com. I hope you come up with a solution!