Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Also it turns out I am trans, but it feels wrong to say that (1) because my mental picture of trans/what I was taught doesn’t match up with what I am, and (2) I’m still incredibly worried that this is somehow just more brainwashing.

Does feel better than being called a “young woman” by strangers.

I still identify as a lesbian. So I feel like my identity still doesn’t matter. That I’m invalidating people and also trying to ask for special treatment.

I’m not. And it doesn’t have to make sense. I wish everything wasn’t so gendered so no one had to worry about this :(

Also I hope you’re all having lovely days

 

[littleoc]

You never really know how important small talk is to you (well, me) until you haven’t had it in days lol

 

[littleoc]

I think being called Baba by my kids would be really cute tho

 

[Teasel]

Yeah, small talk is a need ain't it. Hope you have a good day :)

 

[somerandomguy]

going back and reading the first pages of this diary. Same issues then as now. Only some of them I don’t wince at anymore.

You should give yourself more credit - you've worked hard on your issues. Just because you're having a bad day today doesn't invalidate the work you've done.

That I’m invalidating people and also trying to ask for special treatment.

Nah. You get to identify any way you want to, and it doesn't affect anyone else.

 

[Freida]

Remember that thread that was around here a while ago about the trans world? I can't think of what it was called but might be worth rereading? i think it might reinforce that while your gender status is important to you, it's not a big deal to others.
I don't care what you call yourself or who you want to sleep with.
I care that you are a decent, caring, human being.
And that, my dear, is what you are. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

Hey, your identity is valid, you are not trans in Brandi Said Or Made You ways but entirely you ways, and like allowed to describe yourself as a lesbian.

Like last I noticed the discourse round that label was 'any any-portion feminine identified person, loving any-partially feminine identified other people'.

Still fits :D

Gack, got so many more words of support I wanna say but brains not with it, don't want to mansplain, and not enough up on lesbian issues in particular to do informed right, either, so imma leave this here as is :)

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, y'all <3

 

[bellbird]

I don't care what you call yourself or who you want to sleep with.
I care that you are a decent, caring, human being.
And that, my dear, is what you are. :hug:

This made me so teary, Freida, because you're so right!!!

We accept you for whoever you decide/realise you are, littleoc :hug:

 

[littleoc]

I've been having weird problems with mutism. It turns out the phrase, "What are you symptoms?" is a trigger? And the person asking me is someone who I'm afraid would be offended if I acted upset about it.

Wow, that's kind of a messed up sentence. Hm.

Anyway, I've also started having intrusive thoughts and weird flashbacks creep up. I was blaming it on being in this house too much but, maybe I could find OTHER things to accomplish.

I was talking with someone about the mutism and I found out through him that I apparently have a very weird habit of assuming I need to take responsibility for everything, so I'm confused now. So confused I don't even know how to explain it here. I may try tomorrow after I get some sleep.

The flashback I keep having today is Brandi. I was going to say more but that's enough. Just, fear of being the abuser again. But at the same time smelling Nope that's enough. It's not even that it's disturbing, I'm just afraid of disturbing everyone else!

Up at all because I have a dumb trigger I can usually ignore, which is people knocking on doors. I guess I'll worry about how to address this later.

Gonna get some SLEEP.

We accept you for whoever you decide/realise you are, littleoc :hug:

Thank you, @bellbird <3

 

[bellbird]

I'm just afraid of disturbing everyone else!

Just a quick reminder that this is your space. We are lucky to be able to follow along this part of your journey.

If you need to say something, then this is your space to say it. :hug:

Peaceful sleeps (for any given value of peace) ??????

 

[littleoc]

I’m worried about a lot of things.

But what I’ll talk about right here is the fact that I need a new job ASAP. One that pays better and takes me more seriously, and doesn’t imply that I’m too disabled to work the job I was hired for.

I’ve been an effing manager. I can handle an actual job...

Just, stressed from all the invalidation I went through in 2018 and 2019. I’ve lost so much confidence from all the job interviews, trying to explain disabilities, etc., and being in a hoarder house didn’t help. House is better now. Still my definition of unacceptable but at least it’s functional now.

I’ve been missing my 2018 rental house so much. I keep looking at pictures — wishing I’d taken purposeful pictures of every room. May ask Isaac if he has good pictures of himself inside. It’s become a little happy place for me.

It would have been a great place to isolate, too. I did when bears walked through. Supposedly walked through. I never saw anything, just had messages from police.

Anyway. My workplace was slowly cutting my hours for a job I wasn’t even hired for. I went from 25 hours a week to 10-11. Which I was fine with at first because it was allowing me to catch up on work in school — I was behind on work because of my aunts’ situation.

But it also made me mad.

I just don’t think they take me seriously enough. But at this point I’m a little nervous about if I can suddenly work a higher hour job. My brain’s been struggling and this pandemic has triggered my OCD so hardcore that I’m shocked I’m functioning, especially with my aunts here (y’all, theyre so disgusting and inconsiderate...)

Speaking of which. I need to schedule a family meeting. I need updates on my aunt’s progress on getting her new housing arranged. She’s getting way too comfortable and she and her wife keep triggering me.

I wonder if I need more sleep. I usually have a more positive perspective on things.