Hey all,
Hope everyone is surviving the isolation alright and finding new coping strategies (feel free to share!)! Just looking for some advice on how to balance needs with everyone going on. My fiance is a first responder and has struggled with cPTSD since before we met. Nowadays he seems to be doing much better and there are even some days when it's easy to forget he has issues. However, throughout our nearly 4 year relationship he has LITERALLY spent less than 10 nights at my house, very often blaming my dog (who is allowed on the bed) and his discomfort outside of his own home as the reason. We have been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years now while I have been in vet school and because he says he is uncomfortable at my house, I have been the one to drive 8 hours every 4-6 weeks to see him and have had to drop my dog off at my parents' house and then drive the 1 hour each way back and forth every few days to see her and check in on her when I'm home for breaks or 3-day weekends since his place is not dog-friendly. He has been to my place while in a long distance relationship twice (once for less than 24 hours do to his scheduling a flight 3 days before the date and having to find cheaper tickets that fit his work schedule).
While my dog was not initially intended as an emotional support animal, I definitely have anxiety away from my pup and she has been a HUGE help in helping me stem my own anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. She and I have our routine and despite me being stressed, we always make time to walk a mile and just having a dog to take breaks from my school work with and have something else to focus on calms me down. She also has separation anxiety and has been acting out at my parents' house without me being around so it has put a lot of stress on everyone involved between that, not having her with me, and the extraordinary amount of time and gas money I've put into going back and forth to see her and still spend time with my fiance.
With everything going on due to the virus and my school switching to online learning, I chose to return to my home state before everything got bad (and before I knew that states would be mandating lockdowns) and have been bouncing back and forth between my fiance's place and my parents' place. However, our state is to go on lockdown tonight and I will not be able to go back and forth between the two places. I have already lost my normal routine, I can't really go outside on long walks to relieve my stress though being outdoors is usually my go-to "me" activity, I am stuck in a townhouse where the number of windows are limited and the blinds are very often drawn, and my very stressful vet school classes are still being held online. I begged and pleaded with my fiance to allow me to keep my dog here temporarily as his roommates actually told me that they would be fine with it without me even asking them and to help me deal with everything going on, especially because she is really what I need most to deal with my anxiety and I don't have access to therapy, prescribed medications, or other outlets right now. I told him that she wouldn't have to be on the bed, I'd keep an eye on her, I'd take her out discreetly, I'd keep her quiet (she's used to apartment life already anyway), and I'd give her her previously-prescribed anxiety medication to keep her quiet and calm. While I know it's a stressful situation for him too, he still has a work (which has always been his own stress-release and a major motivating priority for him) and he is in his own house with his own things and still on the same schedule. He is in his comfort zone and I am not and I think he expects me to just be fine because I've spent so much time at his place anyway over the last few years. At the end of the day, however, it is not home to me without my dog, my decorations and things, my routine, and an equal say in what goes on in the house (despite paying a prorated rent on longer school breaks for living here in addition to paying my own rent for my place at school). I have always had the option to see my unofficial emotional support dog whenever I want up until now and I may not see her for an indefinite amount of time while having to cope with the extra stress of isolation. Despite all this, he gave me a hard and solid "no".
I am between a rock and a hard place, freaking out, my heart has been racing all day, and I have had stress headaches the last couple of weeks without having my dog with me while trying to deal with everything else. I get that my fiance has his own issues and I have always tried to be very respectful of his space, his coping mechanisms, etc. Additionally, to be honest, his household has broken a ton of rules on the lease already (including having a full-time roommate who is not on the lease and who the landlord doesn't know about) so it feels like him putting his foot down on this one rule is simply because he doesn't want to deal with the inconvenience of my dog before we actually move in together. He is not a bad guy, but I am a vet student and he simply doesn't understand how important animals are to me and my well-being and the relationship I have with my dog. I need him to understand that he is asking me to choose between my own mental health and him and that I cannot be the one constantly making the effort and giving up my own comfort and sanity for him to be comfortable without him making some concessions for me as well. If he's not willing to give on this, it is also a major concern I have for my future with him since animals are my life, my passion, and my career. Any advice on how best to approach this and help him understand that this isn't just a "want" of mine or me being dramatic, but that I need my emotional support dog as much as he needs his own place, space, routines, etc. to deal with his cPTSD? Thank you so much!
Stay safe and healthy to everyone out there and thank you for listening!!!
Hope everyone is surviving the isolation alright and finding new coping strategies (feel free to share!)! Just looking for some advice on how to balance needs with everyone going on. My fiance is a first responder and has struggled with cPTSD since before we met. Nowadays he seems to be doing much better and there are even some days when it's easy to forget he has issues. However, throughout our nearly 4 year relationship he has LITERALLY spent less than 10 nights at my house, very often blaming my dog (who is allowed on the bed) and his discomfort outside of his own home as the reason. We have been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years now while I have been in vet school and because he says he is uncomfortable at my house, I have been the one to drive 8 hours every 4-6 weeks to see him and have had to drop my dog off at my parents' house and then drive the 1 hour each way back and forth every few days to see her and check in on her when I'm home for breaks or 3-day weekends since his place is not dog-friendly. He has been to my place while in a long distance relationship twice (once for less than 24 hours do to his scheduling a flight 3 days before the date and having to find cheaper tickets that fit his work schedule).
While my dog was not initially intended as an emotional support animal, I definitely have anxiety away from my pup and she has been a HUGE help in helping me stem my own anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. She and I have our routine and despite me being stressed, we always make time to walk a mile and just having a dog to take breaks from my school work with and have something else to focus on calms me down. She also has separation anxiety and has been acting out at my parents' house without me being around so it has put a lot of stress on everyone involved between that, not having her with me, and the extraordinary amount of time and gas money I've put into going back and forth to see her and still spend time with my fiance.
With everything going on due to the virus and my school switching to online learning, I chose to return to my home state before everything got bad (and before I knew that states would be mandating lockdowns) and have been bouncing back and forth between my fiance's place and my parents' place. However, our state is to go on lockdown tonight and I will not be able to go back and forth between the two places. I have already lost my normal routine, I can't really go outside on long walks to relieve my stress though being outdoors is usually my go-to "me" activity, I am stuck in a townhouse where the number of windows are limited and the blinds are very often drawn, and my very stressful vet school classes are still being held online. I begged and pleaded with my fiance to allow me to keep my dog here temporarily as his roommates actually told me that they would be fine with it without me even asking them and to help me deal with everything going on, especially because she is really what I need most to deal with my anxiety and I don't have access to therapy, prescribed medications, or other outlets right now. I told him that she wouldn't have to be on the bed, I'd keep an eye on her, I'd take her out discreetly, I'd keep her quiet (she's used to apartment life already anyway), and I'd give her her previously-prescribed anxiety medication to keep her quiet and calm. While I know it's a stressful situation for him too, he still has a work (which has always been his own stress-release and a major motivating priority for him) and he is in his own house with his own things and still on the same schedule. He is in his comfort zone and I am not and I think he expects me to just be fine because I've spent so much time at his place anyway over the last few years. At the end of the day, however, it is not home to me without my dog, my decorations and things, my routine, and an equal say in what goes on in the house (despite paying a prorated rent on longer school breaks for living here in addition to paying my own rent for my place at school). I have always had the option to see my unofficial emotional support dog whenever I want up until now and I may not see her for an indefinite amount of time while having to cope with the extra stress of isolation. Despite all this, he gave me a hard and solid "no".
I am between a rock and a hard place, freaking out, my heart has been racing all day, and I have had stress headaches the last couple of weeks without having my dog with me while trying to deal with everything else. I get that my fiance has his own issues and I have always tried to be very respectful of his space, his coping mechanisms, etc. Additionally, to be honest, his household has broken a ton of rules on the lease already (including having a full-time roommate who is not on the lease and who the landlord doesn't know about) so it feels like him putting his foot down on this one rule is simply because he doesn't want to deal with the inconvenience of my dog before we actually move in together. He is not a bad guy, but I am a vet student and he simply doesn't understand how important animals are to me and my well-being and the relationship I have with my dog. I need him to understand that he is asking me to choose between my own mental health and him and that I cannot be the one constantly making the effort and giving up my own comfort and sanity for him to be comfortable without him making some concessions for me as well. If he's not willing to give on this, it is also a major concern I have for my future with him since animals are my life, my passion, and my career. Any advice on how best to approach this and help him understand that this isn't just a "want" of mine or me being dramatic, but that I need my emotional support dog as much as he needs his own place, space, routines, etc. to deal with his cPTSD? Thank you so much!
Stay safe and healthy to everyone out there and thank you for listening!!!