sorry about this in advance. no one has to read this or even respond. i just don't have a support system and need to get this off my chest before i explode.
i've always kept my parents at a distance (partly because i think it's what they want (if the way they dismiss and invalidate my feelings is any indication), and also partly because it's become something that i want as well), and because i stopped talking to them about my mental health altogether, our relationship began getting better. of course i still felt resentment towards them, but i was able to ignore it and have a good time with them.
i can't do that anymore, and i don't know why. my bitterness just overwhelms me the second my mother walks into the room. with my dad it's a bit more bearable and i can at least put up a front, because where my mental health was concerned he was practically never around; therefore, he never invalidated me. but put me in a room with my mother for one second and i promise you, before she's even said anything yet, i'll already be on the defensive, already will be recoiling, already will have this emotional wall up, and my mood will literally plummet. it's exhausting and i always feel guilty after, since she walks away all dejected and stuff to guilt me (i'll explain), but i can't control it.
it's weird. at first i was worried about treating other people that way as well, but i've found i have no problems with that -- not with other family members, not with my friends, not even with my brother. my parents are the only ones who see this side of me. and i know this because i am otherwise able to keep an extremely tight reign on my emotions, as a result of the way i was raised.
maybe it's a subconscious part of me that wants to remind them that just because they don't see the depressed, anxious, traumatized and dissociated part of me doesn't mean it's not still there. or maybe it's to let them know that what they did (rather, what they didn't do) has had lasting effects, and that suddenly smothering me with physical affection and talking to me in a light, happy voice doesn't equate an apology.
my mother has always had a problem with this, but it's hurting me now more than ever: she doesn't respect my boundaries and it makes me so uncomfortable that i feel like crying. my mother was always physically affectionate with us, but never too much. however, of course, there came a time in my teenage years where i didn't like being touched. i still don't (though only when my family members are involved; this is largely due to recent trauma), and i make this very clear to her, but she never listens and continues to poke me, hug me, kiss me, even tickle me, whatever.
i've tried telling her sternly, "stop. you're making me uncomfortable. i'm not joking around", and have even tried raising my voice, but it never works. she thinks i'm joking and continues to do it, until i've finally had enough and i lash out, but then she gets mad and i get in trouble.
i previously said that she'll walk away dejectedly to guilt me. she does this whenever i refuse to hug her or give her any physical affection for any reason. if i tell her "no", she will make puppy dog eyes, duck her head, and shuffle out of my room, then poke her head back in seconds later, only to see i haven't changed my mind, and will walk away all sad again. it worked when i was younger, because i always felt so horrible about it that i eventually conceded, but it doesn't work anymore. she's instead resorted to getting in my space, even when i back away and/or tell her to stop.
it's not that it's a dangerous situation. she would never touch me in a sexual manner or anything, and never has. the problem is that i associate touching any of my family members with my trauma, so i get scared when they get too close.
i know that the best way to solve this issue is to just tell her straight up that when she does that it makes me uncomfortable because it reminds me of my trauma, but we're not at the stage where i can openly talk to her about stuff like that. i don't think we ever will be. i mean, the last time i tried to open up to her, i told her about me possibly having PTSD, and she said "okay but it's not like that was an official diagnosis, so you shouldn't take it seriously". it's gotten to the point where i was completely thrown when my cousin told me that her parents were asking her therapist about what kind of behavior they could start to expect from her as a result of her trauma, and were pretty much doing research to learn more about it. i don't know, maybe even that is kind of going above and beyond? in any case, it's great for her, and i'm really glad that her relationship with her parents is improving.
sorry, i know this is a lot. but thanks if you got this far. and like i said, no one has to respond. i just needed to vent for a while.
i've always kept my parents at a distance (partly because i think it's what they want (if the way they dismiss and invalidate my feelings is any indication), and also partly because it's become something that i want as well), and because i stopped talking to them about my mental health altogether, our relationship began getting better. of course i still felt resentment towards them, but i was able to ignore it and have a good time with them.
i can't do that anymore, and i don't know why. my bitterness just overwhelms me the second my mother walks into the room. with my dad it's a bit more bearable and i can at least put up a front, because where my mental health was concerned he was practically never around; therefore, he never invalidated me. but put me in a room with my mother for one second and i promise you, before she's even said anything yet, i'll already be on the defensive, already will be recoiling, already will have this emotional wall up, and my mood will literally plummet. it's exhausting and i always feel guilty after, since she walks away all dejected and stuff to guilt me (i'll explain), but i can't control it.
it's weird. at first i was worried about treating other people that way as well, but i've found i have no problems with that -- not with other family members, not with my friends, not even with my brother. my parents are the only ones who see this side of me. and i know this because i am otherwise able to keep an extremely tight reign on my emotions, as a result of the way i was raised.
maybe it's a subconscious part of me that wants to remind them that just because they don't see the depressed, anxious, traumatized and dissociated part of me doesn't mean it's not still there. or maybe it's to let them know that what they did (rather, what they didn't do) has had lasting effects, and that suddenly smothering me with physical affection and talking to me in a light, happy voice doesn't equate an apology.
my mother has always had a problem with this, but it's hurting me now more than ever: she doesn't respect my boundaries and it makes me so uncomfortable that i feel like crying. my mother was always physically affectionate with us, but never too much. however, of course, there came a time in my teenage years where i didn't like being touched. i still don't (though only when my family members are involved; this is largely due to recent trauma), and i make this very clear to her, but she never listens and continues to poke me, hug me, kiss me, even tickle me, whatever.
i've tried telling her sternly, "stop. you're making me uncomfortable. i'm not joking around", and have even tried raising my voice, but it never works. she thinks i'm joking and continues to do it, until i've finally had enough and i lash out, but then she gets mad and i get in trouble.
i previously said that she'll walk away dejectedly to guilt me. she does this whenever i refuse to hug her or give her any physical affection for any reason. if i tell her "no", she will make puppy dog eyes, duck her head, and shuffle out of my room, then poke her head back in seconds later, only to see i haven't changed my mind, and will walk away all sad again. it worked when i was younger, because i always felt so horrible about it that i eventually conceded, but it doesn't work anymore. she's instead resorted to getting in my space, even when i back away and/or tell her to stop.
it's not that it's a dangerous situation. she would never touch me in a sexual manner or anything, and never has. the problem is that i associate touching any of my family members with my trauma, so i get scared when they get too close.
i know that the best way to solve this issue is to just tell her straight up that when she does that it makes me uncomfortable because it reminds me of my trauma, but we're not at the stage where i can openly talk to her about stuff like that. i don't think we ever will be. i mean, the last time i tried to open up to her, i told her about me possibly having PTSD, and she said "okay but it's not like that was an official diagnosis, so you shouldn't take it seriously". it's gotten to the point where i was completely thrown when my cousin told me that her parents were asking her therapist about what kind of behavior they could start to expect from her as a result of her trauma, and were pretty much doing research to learn more about it. i don't know, maybe even that is kind of going above and beyond? in any case, it's great for her, and i'm really glad that her relationship with her parents is improving.
sorry, i know this is a lot. but thanks if you got this far. and like i said, no one has to respond. i just needed to vent for a while.