Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
I no longer clinically fit the description for borderline but still have borderline traits. I was doing REALLY well, no symptoms other than a lapse into self harm due to overwhelm a few months ago at the start of the pandemic (really bad, intense emotions and my relationships with people deteriorated). But I had been doing okay overall lately.
Recently I developed a crush on someone. It’s a healthy one, it makes logical sense, we have shared values, I find them attractive—that’s progress from anyone who would love me I would date/pine after, which resulted in some pretty negative experiences. I have a feeling it’s mutual, but I can’t really tell (and don’t wanna assume).
The first few weeks were pretty great, which is also an improvement. I didn’t automatically launch into “this person will save me from myself I must talk to them all the time and make it happen quick or it’ll never happen”. No, I did a slow burn. I was really proud of this, too.
But we took a step to closer intimacy (like closer than texting communication, pandemic and we live far apart although they have plans to visit eventually) and now every single BPD symptom I hate has come back. Or rather the emotions. I’m not acting on any of them, and coping okay.
But I will feel terrible abandonment fear pains that turn to anger. It makes me want to self harm more than anything. This makes me want to “push away” because I feel like I’m dangerous and I also feel hurt at a disappointment that I never communicate or even mention. I don’t think I can mention these things to this person because they’re my responsibility to deal with and I’d rather not like mark myself as “crazy” (my own belief about myself) because then they’ll reject me (even though my logical adult self doubts this, too, from my previous experiences with them. I think they’d understand and want to help but I also don’t want that pressure on someone).
I feel like I’m being too clingy, even though I’m not talking all that much. It makes me want to play more aloof and push away but I can’t even do that bc they will message me a lot too. I act and behave like I am not experiencing these things and mask it, and honestly some of that helps too. I’m also having that clinical boredom where nothing satisfies me and I just am so listless with life, like a total emptiness in my chest that feels like it’s going to eat me up.
I’m mostly proud of myself for coping better than the last time I got close with someone. But also sort of sad that I’m still experiencing this. I currently don’t have a T, but I’m in a weird transition period right now and I don’t know how helpful it would be. I just hate good things happening to me feeling like this. I just want to experience joy, not all these symptoms. I do experience it but not for long before another one comes in.
Recently I developed a crush on someone. It’s a healthy one, it makes logical sense, we have shared values, I find them attractive—that’s progress from anyone who would love me I would date/pine after, which resulted in some pretty negative experiences. I have a feeling it’s mutual, but I can’t really tell (and don’t wanna assume).
The first few weeks were pretty great, which is also an improvement. I didn’t automatically launch into “this person will save me from myself I must talk to them all the time and make it happen quick or it’ll never happen”. No, I did a slow burn. I was really proud of this, too.
But we took a step to closer intimacy (like closer than texting communication, pandemic and we live far apart although they have plans to visit eventually) and now every single BPD symptom I hate has come back. Or rather the emotions. I’m not acting on any of them, and coping okay.
But I will feel terrible abandonment fear pains that turn to anger. It makes me want to self harm more than anything. This makes me want to “push away” because I feel like I’m dangerous and I also feel hurt at a disappointment that I never communicate or even mention. I don’t think I can mention these things to this person because they’re my responsibility to deal with and I’d rather not like mark myself as “crazy” (my own belief about myself) because then they’ll reject me (even though my logical adult self doubts this, too, from my previous experiences with them. I think they’d understand and want to help but I also don’t want that pressure on someone).
I feel like I’m being too clingy, even though I’m not talking all that much. It makes me want to play more aloof and push away but I can’t even do that bc they will message me a lot too. I act and behave like I am not experiencing these things and mask it, and honestly some of that helps too. I’m also having that clinical boredom where nothing satisfies me and I just am so listless with life, like a total emptiness in my chest that feels like it’s going to eat me up.
I’m mostly proud of myself for coping better than the last time I got close with someone. But also sort of sad that I’m still experiencing this. I currently don’t have a T, but I’m in a weird transition period right now and I don’t know how helpful it would be. I just hate good things happening to me feeling like this. I just want to experience joy, not all these symptoms. I do experience it but not for long before another one comes in.