Yesterday was another day with my T delving into the beginning of my story, my abuse. She recommended that I read or watch some videos from Brene Brown about Shame. I watched one of her Ted talks as well as another persons, both very powerful and hit me hard. My T has zeroed in on a core issue, (no doubt that there are many) I blame myself for never saying anything about my abuse at 10 and thus deep and destructive shame.
I can logically understand that a 10yo is not to blame for their abuse but that does not change how I feel, weak and pathetic for not saying something, how is that possible? Unfortunately that led to many years of drugs and self abuse in my youth and then finally 45 years of disassociation and not understanding that those feelings where always there undermining the foundation of my life.
I will have to find a way to overwrite my internal hard drive to allow me to believe this, don't know how to get there yet. In the meantime, opening up this path to get better is actually making me worse in the short term. I am having trouble concentrating and I am constantly starting to cry until I shut it down.
I can logically understand that a 10yo is not to blame for their abuse but that does not change how I feel, weak and pathetic for not saying something, how is that possible? Unfortunately that led to many years of drugs and self abuse in my youth and then finally 45 years of disassociation and not understanding that those feelings where always there undermining the foundation of my life.
I will have to find a way to overwrite my internal hard drive to allow me to believe this, don't know how to get there yet. In the meantime, opening up this path to get better is actually making me worse in the short term. I am having trouble concentrating and I am constantly starting to cry until I shut it down.