Sideways
Moderator
Yep, sorry, I misunderstood what the groupings were!Does that make more sense?
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Yep, sorry, I misunderstood what the groupings were!Does that make more sense?
Hey... I used some skeeery words in that second group, depending on where one’s head is at!Yep, sorry, I misunderstood what the groupings were!
This is very interesting. Basically, silence maintains a status quo. Overexplaining opens a door to influence and also gives a vision to the other of how they can use what’s explained against you. You’re giving information, therefore more agency and power over you. Until a certain extent. You might make a drop mic as well. Then the silence. If not questioning the structure you’re in and remaining silent is an advantage for you, it means that the situation structurally gives you more power and agency, at least to my understanding. And by creating boundaries and enforcing them, you can create that structure. You can also create this structure being abusive.I use to oversplain all my reasoning, figuring if I covered all the bases, the other guy I'm saying no to will understand because he's got every logical reason. People who want their way......control, don't give a rats ass about your excuses.....nor do they hear you. Overexplaining is seen as vulnerable and weak.......more words means you're feeling less in control of the outcome you'll accept. And the part where you rationalize the goodness of power.....with a big IF clause before hand, and you hit the nail on the head....it all depends on the integrity of the human being who has the power in the moment, and his conscious. So, decide what makes YOU feel comfortable, shoot for that, and if need be.....you can compromise.....but in the moment, when meaningful or important decisions are beging made, keep it simple, know what you want, and don't be afraid to say no.....and keep the boundary you set.
HOW it’s being abused? Is as varied as any other kind of abuse. And just as damaging, in own right, if not more.
Chipping away a bit more....it’s starting to pull away edges of that black and white thinking I’m having with all power being only abuse. But it’s much more complex than that as you’ve been successful in pointing out to me. That’s caused me to consider where my own misconceptions are coming from.Does that make more sense?
So working around the edges, I can see that I’m considering power from various age ranges. As an adult, I can see that we all have power even if one may hold more power than another in a given situation. As @TruthSeeker said that power initially belongs to us unless we bargain it away, give it away, or are afraid to use it.guess this is a problem of category thinking.
There is power/agency and wherever power sits, there are possibilities.
You mean in perception of severity?Which brings me back to HOW power is being abused that makes the difference. It’s on such a massive sliding scale in reality, but I’m tracking it as only massive violations. Slowly bringing this down though....
All ids don't know they have power but.....but some do. Some kids are mighty powerful, and they throw tantrums. The maybe not so abusive parent at first does whatever to shut the kid up.....give him what he wants....the intolerant parent beats him.....instills fear, and really quick.....kiddo learns that it is best not to to what causes pain to be instilled-so, he hopefully learns avoidance tactics. So child either a) stops tantrums to avoid pain, or b) gets beaten up and feels unloved......usually, baby will learn quick because baby needs to feel belonging and think he/she is loved....even if that's not what's real. Children also learn whose in....and whose out. Older brother might be the scapegoat, so younger sibbling learns to be a people pleaser and learns quickly to stay out of the doghouse. That role is much preferred over the beatings she sees bro getting, and there are advantages.......she can manipulate to get what she wants-she behaved, and may get put on a pedestal as an example of how to be a good child . People as they stay in a dysfunctional setting, watch their parents manipulate and lie (to themselves and others) and kids learn to lie and manipulate to survive. While dynamics are complex in a dysfunctional home, often the house rules are clear....don't talk about what goes on at home, kids learn not to trust, ....and fear becomes "normalized" and internalized, making every day activities....so feeling get shut off as a survival skill. These roles change over time as the situation changes or as the kids leave home. In dysfunctional homes, boundaries are unclear.....and sometimes not at all.Chipping away a bit more....it’s starting to pull away edges of that black and white thinking I’m having with all power being only abuse. But it’s much more complex than that as you’ve been successful in pointing out to me. That’s caused me to consider where my own misconceptions are coming from.
So working around the edges, I can see that I’m considering power from various age ranges. As an adult, I can see that we all have power even if one may hold more power than another in a given situation. As @TruthSeeker said that power initially belongs to us unless we bargain it away, give it away, or are afraid to use it.
What I’m working on lately is early life stuff, and it could be that’s where I’m getting hung up. In early life, we don’t have power....or at least we don’t understand how to apply it consistently even if we end up getting something we want as a result of behaviour - baby holds breath and gets food or love or toy, whatever....
So I can’t see bargaining, giving away, or afraid to use it. Just like I don’t see this as the kid having any power.
It’s become less confusing for me when I consider adults or youth who in general have an understanding of power dynamics and their interplay with them.
Which brings me back to HOW power is being abused that makes the difference. It’s on such a massive sliding scale in reality, but I’m tracking it as only massive violations. Slowly bringing this down though....
I guess this is a problem of category thinking.
There is power/agency and wherever power sits, there are possibilities. Power etymologically means "what can be". So for me having power in general or power over someone or a group means what you choose in your options is going to impact others, positively or negatively.
Then abuse is when you use your position to negatively impact someone or a group and reduce their power, their agency, and/or harm them. You can cause hurt or harm unintentionally. Or intentionally. Abuse of power typically comes with a form of coercion.
There isn’t abuse where there isn’t power.
And there is a magnitude to the abuse.
Some kinds of abuse, such as a pushy friend, are lighter to deal with because they don’t cross the line of real gravity.
A jealous partner may be annoying, but they become abusive only when control pops in.
There is a difference between
a long and boring conversation where you have to reassure over and over and
actually fearing the reaction of the other because there is an underlying threat
and also being beaten up because they think you’ve cheated.
It’s the underlying threat and gain of control by narrowing the other perceived or real options to do whatever they want. The abusive part doesn’t even need to profit from the abuse.
---
So, I’d put it like this
POWER/AGENCY <---------------> power/agency
| mutual power ^
|___________________________________|
power over x
| |
okay: abusive:
healing threats, (emotional) blackmail
caring financial
helping sexual
etc etc
Note that "positive power" can also be used by the overpowered person or group. If you consistently care, give in, help etc., if suddenly you STOP, they lose their grip. Like a strike.
This is very interesting. Basically, silence maintains a status quo. Overexplaining opens a door to influence and also gives a vision to the other of how they can use what’s explained against you. You’re giving information, therefore more agency and power over you. Until a certain extent. You might make a drop mic as well. Then the silence. If not questioning the structure you’re in and remaining silent is an advantage for you, it means that the situation structurally gives you more power and agency, at least to my understanding. And by creating boundaries and enforcing them, you can create that structure. You can also create this structure being abusive.
One thing that helps me a lot is to flank issues. Come at them from a different angle. So instead of trying, first off, to see the value when power is not being abused?I’m so focused on the negatives that power creates and/or causes that I can’t see the value it has when not used to coerce, manipulate, control, or harm another