Complex Lulu
New Here
Hello, I'm in huge need of advice from people, who deal with similar problems, but are more experienced. Any help would be so greatly appreciated!
I'm facing quite big issue. Almost a year ago I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Going to therapy for 2 years so far. I started relationship with my partner over 3 years ago, but it was never a smooth ride. Before I met him I was calm, collected and pretty much dead on the inside. I'm not capable of feeling any kind of feelings towards others....but the second I got with him it felt like something just cracked in my mind and I started acting absolutely insane. One day telling him I love him (even though I'm not sure I know how love feels like) and the next telling him I don't want him to stick around me as I'm not a good person and he needs someone, who'll love him just like he loves them etc. I got very low moods. My panic attacks started pretty much immediately...and only when talking to him.
We come from different countries. We decided to meet in person and the time spend together was absolutely fantastic. Never been happier, felt so calm and safe. Decided to move over. Then problems with his family started. Due to my issues people who want me to "get close" too quickly, freak me out and I need to avoid them and it did not sit well with them for obvious reasons. Long story short a few really tense moments happened between me and one of his family members. That person act just like my mother, who was part of the problem in my development of C-PTSD, so they triggered me like mad. My partner would feel really helpless and in difficult situation. He never came forward to confront his family and simply communicate. Its not their strenght as a family. That person would also snap at him, but he would not react and just took it, as he's terrified of confrontation. That made me feel very upset with him. Made me feel like he's even weaker than I am and i need to take care both of me and him. I didn't feel safe with him anymore. Since then for past over 2 years I'm in constant hiper vigilant state. My anxiety attacks got even worse and more intense. I'm just so tired. I always wanted to get out of the relationship (this one being my very first at the age of 25) and always it seemd like my brain would just scan environment looking for something to break up over with him. I stared my therapy soon after I got with him, to hopefully give us a better chance. I'm doing much better now, but my meltdowns are draining me. Constant "working on myself" is killing me. I developed many different physical pains and aches. Panic attacks are sucking life out of me. Before he gets back home from work my anxiety level goes over the roof and I feel like getting sick! But then when we're both of I love spending time with him. Sex life is a bit of a constant stress, as I'm a victim of sexual abuse from hands of a close family memeber. And a lot of the times I feel I need to please him, even though I don't feel in the mood, because it makes me terrified he'd just lose interest and leave, because it feels like my looks, body as a sexual object is the only thing that is lovable about me... But then sometimes I wish, he would just dump me. I'm just sooo, sooo tired. Soo confused. And now I need to run, hide and move out.
2 days ago i told him I want to split (for like 100th time since we got together). He said he accepts my decision as he understands, why I want to get away and move out, as it would reduce a lot of stress. He said he's sad about me leaving, but told me that he'll support my decision no matter what it is,because he just wants me to be happy.
He's amazingly gentle with me. Patient. Kind. Loving. Understanding. He spoils me rotten. Gives me massages everyday. Tries his best to work on his low self esteem (and done great job so far) and communication skills. He's not perfect, because his poor communication skills caused a lot of troubles, but he sure is amazing.
I felt terrible for past few months and I think it may be my attempt to isolate from everyone, as I have no energy to meet their needs...
Now I'm not sure what to do anymore. Should I move out or stay, wait for my madness to calm down? A lot of people said to just act "as-if" everything is ok and just wait for the worse to pass.
How do I tell if I want to split and move out out of fear or i had a "aha" moment, where I realised we're just not the vest match? Please... Any help would be so appreciated.
I'm facing quite big issue. Almost a year ago I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Going to therapy for 2 years so far. I started relationship with my partner over 3 years ago, but it was never a smooth ride. Before I met him I was calm, collected and pretty much dead on the inside. I'm not capable of feeling any kind of feelings towards others....but the second I got with him it felt like something just cracked in my mind and I started acting absolutely insane. One day telling him I love him (even though I'm not sure I know how love feels like) and the next telling him I don't want him to stick around me as I'm not a good person and he needs someone, who'll love him just like he loves them etc. I got very low moods. My panic attacks started pretty much immediately...and only when talking to him.
We come from different countries. We decided to meet in person and the time spend together was absolutely fantastic. Never been happier, felt so calm and safe. Decided to move over. Then problems with his family started. Due to my issues people who want me to "get close" too quickly, freak me out and I need to avoid them and it did not sit well with them for obvious reasons. Long story short a few really tense moments happened between me and one of his family members. That person act just like my mother, who was part of the problem in my development of C-PTSD, so they triggered me like mad. My partner would feel really helpless and in difficult situation. He never came forward to confront his family and simply communicate. Its not their strenght as a family. That person would also snap at him, but he would not react and just took it, as he's terrified of confrontation. That made me feel very upset with him. Made me feel like he's even weaker than I am and i need to take care both of me and him. I didn't feel safe with him anymore. Since then for past over 2 years I'm in constant hiper vigilant state. My anxiety attacks got even worse and more intense. I'm just so tired. I always wanted to get out of the relationship (this one being my very first at the age of 25) and always it seemd like my brain would just scan environment looking for something to break up over with him. I stared my therapy soon after I got with him, to hopefully give us a better chance. I'm doing much better now, but my meltdowns are draining me. Constant "working on myself" is killing me. I developed many different physical pains and aches. Panic attacks are sucking life out of me. Before he gets back home from work my anxiety level goes over the roof and I feel like getting sick! But then when we're both of I love spending time with him. Sex life is a bit of a constant stress, as I'm a victim of sexual abuse from hands of a close family memeber. And a lot of the times I feel I need to please him, even though I don't feel in the mood, because it makes me terrified he'd just lose interest and leave, because it feels like my looks, body as a sexual object is the only thing that is lovable about me... But then sometimes I wish, he would just dump me. I'm just sooo, sooo tired. Soo confused. And now I need to run, hide and move out.
2 days ago i told him I want to split (for like 100th time since we got together). He said he accepts my decision as he understands, why I want to get away and move out, as it would reduce a lot of stress. He said he's sad about me leaving, but told me that he'll support my decision no matter what it is,because he just wants me to be happy.
He's amazingly gentle with me. Patient. Kind. Loving. Understanding. He spoils me rotten. Gives me massages everyday. Tries his best to work on his low self esteem (and done great job so far) and communication skills. He's not perfect, because his poor communication skills caused a lot of troubles, but he sure is amazing.
I felt terrible for past few months and I think it may be my attempt to isolate from everyone, as I have no energy to meet their needs...
Now I'm not sure what to do anymore. Should I move out or stay, wait for my madness to calm down? A lot of people said to just act "as-if" everything is ok and just wait for the worse to pass.
How do I tell if I want to split and move out out of fear or i had a "aha" moment, where I realised we're just not the vest match? Please... Any help would be so appreciated.