J
justasimplecat
Hi,
I posted here some months ago about my ordeal with past gang rape and how it resurfaced again and how the trauma has been tormenting me: (Sexual Assault - Was this rape? )
Anyway, I finally got a new therapist after trying to take my own life (and almost succeeding!) not long ago, and just like every single other therapist I’ve had, they just keep making me talk about it and re-live it all over again.
It’s obviously making me very very uncomfortable and re-traumatizing me by talking about it.
I’ve expressed to my therapist that I just want to move forward with my life. I want to forget it all again and move on, just be happy for once in my pathetic miserable f***ing life! I told them that I don’t want to keep going over it, and they told me that in order to heal, I need to revisit past traumas and address them, blah blah blah.
But can’t they see? It’s killing me! I physically cannot do it any more.
After every single therapy session, I just feel drained and tearful.
My sex life now is pretty much completely dead. My husband and I don’t have sex any more and although he’s been amazing and supportive, and hasn’t complained once (to me anyway?), I’m terrified that eventually this will all become too much and he will get fed up of our sexless marriage, and cheat on me and/or dump me for another guy who will give him what he wants.
He’s never said this, I just worry that’s all. I’m scared of losing him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it, even if I take on the top role, I just can’t bring myself to do it. :/ I’ve become so useless. I still blame myself partly, for what happened to me. I know they are at fault, obviously! But I still partly blame myself.
The truth is, I had been raped twice before this took place (by two separate guys, but they were on their own; this particular incident was three of them!), so I feel like I should have seen this coming somehow; I should have seen the signs. I should have escaped or stopped it or SOMETHING. Obviously I did try to tell them I didn’t want it, but they wouldn’t listen to me. My then-boyfriend was calling the shots. He gave them “permission” to do it to me, on my behalf, despite my protests.
It’s been a few years so I can’t report them either. I have literally no evidence. It would be my word against theirs, and I know exactly what they’d say: that they had consent to do it to me (albeit not actually MINE but my then-boyfriend’s!), and that I didn’t fight back. Which is true; I totally froze after the initial few tries of trying to escape and being pinned down by them.
I just feel like therapy isn’t helping. It’s not just this therapist, it’s every therapist I’ve ever had; they want me to talk about my traumas and revisit them to try and come to terms with them. But all that seems to do is re-traumatize me all over again. I just want to move on. I want to forget. I managed to get it out of my head for a while but my therapist dragged it all up again and wants me to “confront it”. I don’t want to. It’s far too painful and I fear I might try to take my life again if I do. I came out of hospital after my attempt, and after a stay in the psychiatric ward after that, and was doing a lot better. I was actually feeling POSITIVE and in a good mood. I felt like this time I could do it. But then in therapy, we had to confront it all again, and now I feel like sh** again. I honestly cannot do this.
I want to bury it all away again and just be happy, restart my life again maybe, in a way. Part of me wants to move away from this area, even though all my family and friends are here, my career is here. I just want to run away and start fresh. I literally cannot keep going over what they did to me in therapy; it drives me literally insane and I hit rock bottom again. Basically, right now and for the last few years, therapy just isn’t helping. I’ve tried so many times and typed, and it’s all the same. And yes I’ve tried every damn medication under the sun; that doesn’t help either. Nothing does. Nothing helps.
I just want it all to go away and move on with my life.
I posted here some months ago about my ordeal with past gang rape and how it resurfaced again and how the trauma has been tormenting me: (Sexual Assault - Was this rape? )
Anyway, I finally got a new therapist after trying to take my own life (and almost succeeding!) not long ago, and just like every single other therapist I’ve had, they just keep making me talk about it and re-live it all over again.
It’s obviously making me very very uncomfortable and re-traumatizing me by talking about it.
I’ve expressed to my therapist that I just want to move forward with my life. I want to forget it all again and move on, just be happy for once in my pathetic miserable f***ing life! I told them that I don’t want to keep going over it, and they told me that in order to heal, I need to revisit past traumas and address them, blah blah blah.
But can’t they see? It’s killing me! I physically cannot do it any more.
After every single therapy session, I just feel drained and tearful.
My sex life now is pretty much completely dead. My husband and I don’t have sex any more and although he’s been amazing and supportive, and hasn’t complained once (to me anyway?), I’m terrified that eventually this will all become too much and he will get fed up of our sexless marriage, and cheat on me and/or dump me for another guy who will give him what he wants.
He’s never said this, I just worry that’s all. I’m scared of losing him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it, even if I take on the top role, I just can’t bring myself to do it. :/ I’ve become so useless. I still blame myself partly, for what happened to me. I know they are at fault, obviously! But I still partly blame myself.
The truth is, I had been raped twice before this took place (by two separate guys, but they were on their own; this particular incident was three of them!), so I feel like I should have seen this coming somehow; I should have seen the signs. I should have escaped or stopped it or SOMETHING. Obviously I did try to tell them I didn’t want it, but they wouldn’t listen to me. My then-boyfriend was calling the shots. He gave them “permission” to do it to me, on my behalf, despite my protests.
It’s been a few years so I can’t report them either. I have literally no evidence. It would be my word against theirs, and I know exactly what they’d say: that they had consent to do it to me (albeit not actually MINE but my then-boyfriend’s!), and that I didn’t fight back. Which is true; I totally froze after the initial few tries of trying to escape and being pinned down by them.
I just feel like therapy isn’t helping. It’s not just this therapist, it’s every therapist I’ve ever had; they want me to talk about my traumas and revisit them to try and come to terms with them. But all that seems to do is re-traumatize me all over again. I just want to move on. I want to forget. I managed to get it out of my head for a while but my therapist dragged it all up again and wants me to “confront it”. I don’t want to. It’s far too painful and I fear I might try to take my life again if I do. I came out of hospital after my attempt, and after a stay in the psychiatric ward after that, and was doing a lot better. I was actually feeling POSITIVE and in a good mood. I felt like this time I could do it. But then in therapy, we had to confront it all again, and now I feel like sh** again. I honestly cannot do this.
I want to bury it all away again and just be happy, restart my life again maybe, in a way. Part of me wants to move away from this area, even though all my family and friends are here, my career is here. I just want to run away and start fresh. I literally cannot keep going over what they did to me in therapy; it drives me literally insane and I hit rock bottom again. Basically, right now and for the last few years, therapy just isn’t helping. I’ve tried so many times and typed, and it’s all the same. And yes I’ve tried every damn medication under the sun; that doesn’t help either. Nothing does. Nothing helps.
I just want it all to go away and move on with my life.