I spent years trying to figure out "what was wrong" with me. It wasn’t sufficiently wrong for not being able to do minimal function and even being a good achiever, but I was dragging myself in a fog and what I understand now, as a state of constant grief and hypervigilance, which cause a lot of resentment and social anxiety. I also had angry meltdowns and sort of disconnected most of the days, couldn’t understand what was going on with people except for a few moments where I’d be full of energy. Honestly thinking back of how I was without therapy and how I am now, there are many many things that have changed.
The diagnose didn’t really surprise me, in the sense I knew things I went through were traumatic. But what I didn’t know is that all the difficulties I was experiencing weren’t due to the fact I was weak, stupid, lazy or mean, it was because of PTSD. In my head, PTSD was much much worse than what I was experiencing, also because of the stereotype of combat PTSD (that is also very different). I have seen people that had it worse than me because for some reason I have been able to find less problematic methods of coping distress, such as writing or learning compulsively and hiding myself when I felt "the mood" was creeping.
I first got BPD diagnoses but honestly it didn’t entirely match. I do have BPD style manifestations, but not entirely. However, certain criteria in PTSD and CPTSD that I filled, I didn’t realize I was filling it. I was telling myself my experience wasn’t so hard, that it was hard for everyone.
Over months (I have been Dx’d officially in January but with strong suspicions since September), I realize the areas in which it’s frankly crippling and that aspect of the diagnose frightens me. Because I know I cannot work properly and am subject to spikes of dysregulation where I spin in circles or tuck my head in a hole. At least when that happens know I understand why.
Being diagnosed helps me also to be more tolerant to methods of healing. Previously I’d think all this healing shit is for fancy bourgeois spending times with crystals or diving deep into psychoanalysis. Then I read Sapolsky and Van der Kolk and understood there is a neurology behind and this reassured me in a way. There are paths to try to manage things and make life less of a constant suffering sandpaper.
Before being diagnosed, I had a lot of talking therapy and the woman completely failed at identifying my avoidance, constant fear and tendency to isolate. She thought I was depressed, but I wasn’t; I still was keeping doing a zillion things, but just not the ones I needed to. So I was very confused about what I had, at some point I thought I had Asperger, Antisocial Personality Disorder, ADHD or simply attachment problems.
Now I have a much clearer vision of what’s going on, day by day, by understanding my own mechanisms. It’s not a walk in the park but at least I know there is a way out. And even if it’s painful, there is no reason to brutalize ourselves thinking "we’re though" or whatsoever. I survived horrible things. I’m happy to be here.
