What did you feel like when you got diagnosed?

[katz]

It took until January of this year when I recovered some 45 year old memories of what actually happened when the diagnoses changed to PTSD. At that point I was a mess, in about every way you can be a mess. As that buried locked away memory came to conscious memory it was pure hell. The fact it happened in a hospital was bad. The fact everyone was worried about the physical me, not the mental me was worse. The realization that it triggered the event that led to losing sight in my eye was crushing in a way.

Over the years, as I have recovered more memories (not the emotions though) I have started to understand why I am the way I am. It is amazing how much of "me" is based on what happened to me back then. I often wonder what or who I could have been if it had not happened - or if I had gotten the ...care and love, and support..that I needed at such a young age.

When the doctor at the hospital told my parents that I had PTSD - my mothers mouth fell open. I wish I had looked at my Dad. I remember sitting there and saying to the doctor "tell them what I have". (Inside I knew that they would not believe me)

 

[spinningmytires]

I have been seeing T since I was in grade school ! The one that I saw for the longest is still in practice ! I looked him up -- sure would like to tell him what was going on right before his eyes. Back then, in the 70's, he spoke to me for about 20 minutes, then talked to my parents for about 15 - and yet never noticed that it was them that were abusing me. I look back now and can barely stand the anger I have at him . Maybe I should contact him?? If it would give me some closing - satisfaction?

When I got older, I went to a woman's rescue center. I even took a class there. Then I was told to leave ! I sat in the parking lot, crying in my car, for over 2 hours. I came to the realization that no one wanted to help me.

Sometimes your T just won't know unless you recognize this abuse yourself and then tell them. Unless there had been physical evidence of childhood abuse they might never have known. My CSA by my father was always non-contact abuse. And because I grew up with his abuse, I thought his behavior was normal. My mother knew about his abusive behavior yet, never did anything to help correct this problem. I was also in denial myself until age 24 and so, I couldn't talk to my T about it either.

T don't have that much insight, I've come to realize -- as I've had several. But it is a real shame that you've had to suffer through this abuse without any understand and even into your adulthood.

Parents also will do their best to hide this abuse from their child's T. A good T would/should be aware of this. I should have entered therapy during my mid teens, if, not earlier. Yet my parent's wouldn't acknowledge my social withdraw and depression nor send me to a therapist, not until I was age 20 and no longer a minor. Perhaps this was their effort to protect themselves from any possible criminal charges.

 

[Freddyt]

T don't have that much insight, I've come to realize -- as I've had several.

I've only had one. Getting somewhere is about both of you participating and the right therapy.

Your T knows nothing about you or your problems until you tell them.....if you don't they have no insight.

 

[spinningmytires]

Over the years, as I have recovered more memories (not the emotions though) I have started to understand why I am the way I am. It is amazing how much of "me" is based on what happened to me back then. I often wonder what or who I could have been if it had not happened - or if I had gotten the ...care and love, and support..that I needed at such a young age.

I totally agree, we most certainly are what we've experienced in our past. There is no way to undo nor un-experience any of it either. I've often wondered how my life might have been different if I haven't had these experiences. And when I see a T who says 'this never happened to you' -- everything within our relationship goes down hill. This disintegration I've experienced with every T and even with my PCP, who has been my doctor for 20+ years. It's disheartening and no, there is no support nor understanding.

I got diagnosed about five years after the event. It didn't mean anything to me except I had a diagnosis to tell the numerous therapists I had after that, none of whom helped me very much. I think I joined this site right after my diagnosis but I didn't do very much here. My PTSD manifested as depression, which my shrinks tried to treat with pills, all of which stopped working after a few months because it wasn't depression, it was untreated trauma.

I took anti-depressants for a few years, once during my early 20s and again during my later 20s though, these drugs never seemed to help. I was sleeping exesssively yet, I think, this was my only way of escaping my trauma.

I've only had one. Getting somewhere is about both of you participating and the right therapy.

Your T knows nothing about you or your problems until you tell them.....if you don't they have no insight.

In my past experience, my T had always stopped participating with me and not the other way around. They have all had their own way of avoiding my issues. My first T said, 'that's only your imagination.' And so, I continued to see this T for several more years, hoping that he would begin to realize that he was missing something -- and that I wasn't imagining but telling him the truth. Never happened though as he died suddenly and tragically.

My second T said, 'if what you are telling me is true realize that you won't find any help for it. So, If I were you I would never mention this again -- not even to me.' Again, I stayed with this T for a few more years hoping that he might eventually realize that I was telling him the truth. Never happened.

My third T (saw him only once) said, 'I was unknowningly making this stuff up and if I would take the anti-psychotic drugs this would all go away.' Nope! No drugs and I never went back.

My fourth T said, 'because I was unable to recall (trigger) my (supposed) childhood molestation by my father, a false memory therapy was suggested to retrieve this abuse.' Nope! Again! My fifth T said, very little to me other then that, she 'wanted to go around' these other disturbing experiences. I asked her, 'To what?' I think she was relieved that I quit.

Not until almost 20 years later had I returned to therapy. I was hoping that I wouldn't encounter the same difficulties that I had before. Wrong! My sixth T (a trauma specialist) I only saw for two sessions then, she said, she hadn't the training to help me. My seventh T, a Phd said things like, No, no, no, you are wrong! Then she told me she couldn't find my trauma source. So, again, I quit after my 6th session. I should have quit when I first began to notice her resistance.

So my eighth T, another Phd, I saw only once. He later said, he didn't think he could help me very much.

So for me, it's not as if, I could go back in time and undo what I've experienced. Nor can I replace this moment in time with something else that never really happened. What I had experienced while conscious was processed in my brain with my own senses where it remains in my memory and influences my outlook on life. Forgetting it is not an option for me. Fluffing it off as being only imaginary and meaningless is also not an option.

So I'm stuck. And to say that anti-pychotic drugs can somehow resolve my underlying trauma just isn't true. Sometimes I think, I have said way too much to my T and this sort of freaks them out.