Newly Diagnosed C-ptsd

[LostInOz]

After years of:

You have bipolar disorder. Here, take these pills, it'll be all better
You have borderline personality disorder. Here's more pills and go to DBT. But please, don't come back here!
You have depression. Here, take these pills.
You have attachment disorder. Here, go to this therapist and read this book.

So on and so on and so on it goes.

Now, yet a new diagnosis...CPTSD. Why should I believe this one over any and all of the others? And all these types of treatment..EDMR sounds terrifying. DBT? I can't sit still with my thoughts for a second, much less get "mindfull". CBT? Been there, done that. Didn't do much for the thoughts that have made wagon wheel tracks in my brain.

Yes, I had a traumatic childhood. But most people have, haven't they?
Yes, I self injure/starve. But that could coexist with any of the above disorders
Yes, I have horrific experiences with relationships...they are all me dating dangerous men who are "just like my father".
Yes, Abandonment is my biggest fear.
Yes, I am in intense emotional pain and can't see a way out.

Another therapist. Another diagnosis. I walked out feeling a little hopeful, but now, I just feel like it's yet another label slapped on a crazy woman who just can't get her shit together.

I am sick of the therapy. Sick of the drugs. Sick to death of the pain. Sick of the diagnoses.

And after 20 years of people trying to find out "What's wrong with me" i am sick of trying myself.

Wouldn't it be nice to just be ok? Why can't I?

 

[LostInOz]

In case you can't tell, I am angry. And feel hopeless and pissed off again. I want to cry but christ, i cry so much lately i can't handle it anymore.

 

[brokenchild]

I can identify with your post. I've been given a lot of differing diagnoses as well. I've done CBT and DBT with little to no improvement. I too am just sick of trying.

 

[Iam]

Hi Lost,
I am sorry that you are so frustrated and angry. It is pretty common for people with PTSD to get misdiagnosed or given multiple diagnoses. I gets to the point of who do you believe? And yeah, it sure would be nice to just be OK. Boy do I feel that way too! :(

I'm glad you found this forum. Take your time and look at the articles on the home page about C-PTSD. Lots of info there that might help you. You'll also find lots of support here. Having PTSD sucks, no doubt about it, but there are many here who have learned how to manage their symptoms and lead happy, productive lives ;) So it is possible to just be OK. I have only recently started EMDR and I am amazed at how quickly it gets to the core issues, though my T and I are going at it very slowly so that I don't get overwhelmed.

Anyway, just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I hope you find the help that you need here :)

 

[anthony]

Ditto to Iam...

You can be in therapy for 20 years, but honestly, if you aren't being pushed, or pushing yourself, then its all just useless time spent. When your brain is really ready, then you will begin changing regardless how much it hurts...

 

[Iam]

GAH Anthony........I wish it didn't have to hurt quite so much :( I really am amazed at the difference between going to a T who specializes in PTSD vs just a regular life coach type T. The trauma T knows what questions to ask, what direction to point me in and really understands. It's not that my other T didn't want to, he did, or that we didn't connect, we did, he just doesn't fully understand how to work with such a complicated psychi.

 

[anthony]

Correct... people must understand there is a vast difference in the knowledge and experience base of a trauma therapist.

 

[LSNP]

LostInOz,

While I have not been officially diagnosed with a bunch of disorders, I understand how tired one can be of the constant anxiety and sadness and loss of control over one's thoughts, emotions and reactions... of knowing something is WRONG and being unable to fix it. I am tired of crying, too, and of letting my life live me instead of vice-versa... I am tired of therapists and know-it-alls and people who presume and those who tell me to count my blessings (which I should, honestly, but that's hardly what I am paying somebody to tell me to do).... I once had a therapist tell me to sing a song in my head every time I felt negative. Cripes. I'd be singing all day long!

I'm also tired of psych meds. They never end, do they? A pill for everything, these days.

I have recently found a local psychologist who understands and is experienced with trauma (or so she claims) and I anticipate calling her for an appointment next week, if I can get in, as I am off work and might be able to cope a little better... tho I recognize that I am also putting it off, too, as I planned on calling her a few weeks ago but somehow haven't picked up the phone.

I am anxious to see her and to try EMDR as I have heard a lot of positive comments regarding trauma specialists and EMDR's effectiveness, but at the same time, it scares me.... dealing with the core issues is what we all try to avoid, no? Who wants to work at something when one knows it will turn them into a jiggling, wet ball of tears and snot? (Sorry. That was kind of gross. ;-)) And potentially the worst fear of all with this whole starting something new????? ..... what if THIS doesn't help, either? What then?

I think it's a state of mind, much like others have noted here. We need to be ready to change, ready to face the demons, ready to WORK .. because it is, indeed, going to take work to change gut reactions and runaway emotions .. and we need to be exhausted with the status quo. I believe I am finally getting there. The whole exhausted with the status quo. Perhaps you are, too.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you I understand and to keep your chin up. We are all trying to do that here, I think. Keep our chins up.

 

[LostInOz]

Thanks for the encouragement and empathy. I am not much one for warm fuzzies and virtual hugs so I am glad I didn't see anyone pulling out the ((())). ;-)

I can't really work anymore, so I am considering applying for SSDI. I contacted a lawyer about it yesterday. I need to get away from trying and failing over and over to hold down a job, and get to a place where I can spend my time on getting better. Of all the things I am sick of, being "sick" is at the top of my list.

I got "sober" thru AA about 6 years ago. I remember then, walking into that first meeting, afraid, angry, and snivelling like a child, and knowing...KNOWING...I was going to die if I didn't fix this. And for the first 2 years, I worked my ASS off on getting sober. And it worked. I did the 12 steps and associated work over and over. I lived and breathed AA. I eventually grew up to sponsoring women. Then I stopped going. Drinking wasn't, and isn't a problem anymore. It worked. I know many AA'ers out there are lifers, I thought I would be a lifer also. But I go to meetings here and there when I need some maintenance, but don't live "the program life" anymore.

But I have that same feeling now, that desperation, that KNOWING, that this is going to kill me. And I am going to need to work hard to get well. But getting sober hurt. And I do NOT like hurt.

However, I am obviously, by the diagnosis of CPTSD alone, a survivor. I want to live. More than that, I want a good life, a life worth living.

So, here we go. Time to do the work and bust my ass again, for another life saving reason. When I know I have to do something to live from deep inside, i'll do it. Enough pain is motivation for me.

So, much like writing that first inventory and making those first amends were a horrible and painful experience, they also freed me of a habit that was killing me, and freed me from some of my pain. So if EMDR is going to be painful, ok. I can survive that too, if the payout is wellness, and giving up the constant fear, pain, sabotaging, dysregulated emotions, self injury and lying because i think lies will keep me safe.

Maybe EMDR, a retry at DBT, a trauma specialist, and work on ME will get me out of the black hole.

Guess I woke up hopeful this morning.

 

[Mikayla43]

I understand so much of what you just wrote.

I got out of the hospital a little over a week ago for suicial ideation and anger outbursts. I'm still not myself, although the medications have helped. My nurse practicioner just gave me 2 more weeks and is faxing the form for me to collect short term disability. My husband is coming home shortly and he is upset and believes we will lose the house if we lose 30 percent of my income for any amount of time...even for just a month. So, what do i do?

 

[TaeTM]

I completely understand. I was misdiagnosed as bi polor at age 13 and treated as so for a decade. The meds made me worse. Though I have been diagnosed as ptsd, only recently have I found out its just cptsd that Im dealing this.. Im 25. Over 10 years of hell being treated for something I didnt have, continuously experiencing new trauma, completely lost.. I'm left a bit bitter to say the least.

 

[hopelives]

My husband was misdiagnosed similar to the OP. I as his carer am angry. Just angry that he could have been on the road to recovery years ago.