• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Family Guilt

Status
Not open for further replies.

LittleBigFoot

Policy Enforcement
I know not getting any kind of empathy from family is extremely common and I deal with it from some/most family members. But for as much as it sucks I prefer it to the opposite. Does anyone else have someone who maybe knew or participated in abusive behaviors and now overcompensate out of sheer guilt? I can’t stand it. But it’s a thing and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s extremely uncomfortable and makes *me* feel guilty for making them feel guilty somehow and it’s gotten into a somewhat codependent and weird cycle. And I feel so much guilt, shame, uncertainty, and confusion surrounding the relationship. It’s not so cut and dry like others are and I hate that.
 
That sounds confusing and exhausting for you. It also sounds like the family member is still maybe focues on their needs in a way? Like they want you to make them feel better?
 
That sounds confusing and exhausting for you. It also sounds like the family member is still maybe focues on their needs in a way? Like they want you to make them feel better?

They very much so do and I don’t know how to compute that. They are very hot and cold. One minute it’s “you are just feeling sorry for yourself it’s been how many years” and the next it’s “here you can have this money for xyz I know I screwed up I know I made your childhood bad so here’s all this compensation and I’m sorry’s”.

I don’t know how to work with it while trying to get through therapy where everything is coming up as it is.
 
But it’s a thing and I don’t know what to do about it.
If you examine the sorts of situations and conversations where this becomes a problem, or the point in conversations where it becomes a problem, that will give you an opportunity to shape some new boundaries into the dynamic to limit it occurring.

What does that look like?

Most likely, it will be putting more distance between the 2 of you. People who don't have the opportunity to get too close, have much less opportunity to hurt us emotionally, especially on a regular basis.

Once the dynamic of the relationship is healthier, you can consider letting them become closer again.
 
Last edited:
I can’t stand it.

This is the key phrase for me here, and I get it. Have you told them you can't stand it, perhaps telling them that it reinforces the trauma? Alternatively, have you tried working on ways to tolerate it - perhaps acknowledging that it is an expression of remorse and some level forgiveness and acceptance of their remorse might be your responsibility now? Have you considered going for a family therapy session with the person, in order to talk it through in that special place rather than in the kitchen or in the car?
 
How did it go?

Unfortunately therapy with the person is still out of the question because they still hands down refuse. So I’m working on it by myself in my own therapy and honestly it’s not going well. But it is what it is.
 
Unfortunately therapy with the person is still out of the question because they still hands down refuse. So I’m working on it by myself in my own therapy and honestly it’s not going well. But it is what it is.

Sorry to hear that, but the very best thing to do for yourself right now is it to work on it. Speaking from experience, sometimes it's worth looking at the wider picture. Building and spending time with your community or other support network, cutting alcohol and sugar, doing more exercise, getting out into the sunshine and nature, trying to find work that makes you happy - it all helps to make the issue at hand easier to progress with.
 
Hi @LittleBigFoot
I do have a family member who has done the same ): my mother, as she got older (and needy), did a complete turnaround and started apologising ad nauseum about all of it. When I was younger, I too got the “feeling sorry for myself” etc etc
I thought I wd LOVE an apology but It’s really horrible bc it means you’re always getting taken back to traumas of the past and having to be nice and forgiving about it.
I almost preferred her unrepentant former self.
I say “almost” because it turns out she is sincere. I got angry more than once and told her it pressed my buttons and that one apology is enough, and it’s been accepted etc etc etc and that it felt more about trying to make herself feel better than for my sake.
She rarely says it now, but sometimes she grabs my hand and I can kind of feel her apology.
But she is old now and not that well, so the dynamics are rly different than how they once were.
I hope it turns around for you like it did between us because it has actually helped me to heal a bit - believe it or not. I didn’t expect that at all!
 
They very much so do and I don’t know how to compute that. They are very hot and cold. One minute it’s “you are just feeling sorry for yourself it’s been how many years” and the next it’s “here you can have this money for xyz I know I screwed up I know I made your childhood bad so here’s all this compensation and I’m sorry’s”.

I don’t know how to work with it while trying to get through therapy where everything is coming up as it is.
Hi, I know this post is a little older, so I hope it’s ok that I respond. Your situation reminded me of one of my own. I wonder if the hot and cold behavior is because maybe on some level they recognize their wrongdoing, but are simultaneously uncomfortable feeling the guilt. At least for very long. Like they don’t know how to process the guilt healthily - so they try a “quick fix” like throwing money or vague apologies at you and expect that to be the last of it. Talking about it in detail to help process makes them have to confront their feelings about themselves too much. So when they see the pain hasn’t magically gone away, they get angry for having to feel the guilt again, so instead it’s easier for them to put it on you for not being over it already. Not sure if that made sense.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top