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Compliment-based-therapy doesn't work for me... now what?

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Justmehere

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Attempting a stab at therapy after a long break of not trying. I may not be in a phase of life to do therapy again right now. I am asking to work on avoidance symptoms and work/education goals/performance - symptom management. Plus, a place to talk about current life stuff that is a little abnormal, not to process old trauma.

That seemed to go over fine in appointment one. Second session of this trauma therapist and her repeated feedback is all about offering "parts" or "that part of you" lots of "compassion." She asked how that sat with me. "Uh, I'm not really interested. It doesn't really fit for me or work for me." So she decided she would offer it. Yeah, still not really interested in it. I don't want her to be mean to me, but it's just not even jiving. I don't need compliment-based-therapy. It's not helpful. My last therapist insulted me a lot, so I don't want that either. But I also don't need to hear I'm an oh-so-amazing person either for eating breakfast. Eating breakfast was not a problem.

I need help getting my stuff together through weird pandemic times, and I'm not sure how insults or compliments helps me get there - because it just doesn't get me there. I'm all for countering negative self talk with neutral statements, and not being a jerk to myself, but that's not an huge problem happening in my head at the moment. Maybe that's why it doesn't jive right now.

Anyone else run into this?
 
She asked how that sat with you, so tell her how complements do not sit well with you. Point blank honest. As the patient, you can tell her that you would like to keep therapy focused on present day functioning, performance, and day-to-day tasks. You can say that you have no desire to explore parts of you or revisit the past; instead, solution-focused therapy might be beneficial.

I understand not wanting to be told you are amazing when that’s not how you feel. That can be invalidating. Complements can be a way of identifying and highlighting strengths as focusing on challenges can also be invalidating if that’s the only thing that occurs in a therapy session. It sounds like you have very specific goals for this particular point in your therapeutic journey. Do you have an idea of what approach might work for you instead of the compliments? If you do, tell her, but if you don’t, tell her you need to figure out what will be helpful alongside her. If you’re OK with countering negative thoughts, how would you feel about completing statements such as “I am”, “I can, “I recognize”, or “I need to do X, then Y, to achieve Z task today”?

Just some initial thoughts. Most importantly, remember that therapy is he yours, and if something isn’t working, honest feedback is required for change. If it helps, viewing the relationship as businesslike rather than intimate might help keep it focused on the here and now. Have a conversation about the way both of you view the relationship, evaluate and reflect on whether or not you as the patient think the mutually agreed-upon type of relationship will be helpful to you, and go from there. Good luck!
 
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I may be misunderstanding what you mean by compliment.
Is compassion for yourself what you see as a compliment?

I don't think I know what compliment based therapy is?
Stating "you are amazing" is a compliment. It may also be compassion in some cases.
Do you have an idea of what approach might work for you instead of the compliments?
I don't. Not a clue...
I did tell her when she asked how it was for me to sit there and have her tell me compliments... that it was nice for someone to say, but not really helpful to me. She went on with it anyhow. To which, if I had said anything at all, I felt like I would have been in a fight, at session two, and that... just makes me think maybe I'm once again not cracked out for therapy or this therapist. In the end, it seemed easier to just ignore it and wrap up the session. If it's what we do next time too, I can ask for a different approach... I don't even have suggestions...
 
I may not be in a phase of life to do therapy again right now.
There's never a good time for therapy. Can you identify the kind of place you'd need to be in for therapy to be coming at the right time?
I don't need compliment-based-therapy. It's not helpful.
Is it 'compliments-based', or are compliments simply part of it?

Because, for me, my T often stops to recognise good stuff. Like yeah, you know what, everything's shit, but you did breakfast. That's an achievement. Recognise it for what it is.

I wouldn't consider that 'compliment-based', so much as 'we don't ignore wins'. Acknowledging wins is a form of compassion, which can be crazy uncomfortable. But, necessary I think. Without it, focusing only on the shitty stuff, the things where I'm not winning, that would drive me into (or solidify) a very deep state of depression.

To me? It sounds more like CBT than compliments-based therapy.

So...
I need help getting my stuff together through weird pandemic times
Is ^^^this statement not connected to...
I'm not sure how insults or compliments helps me get there
^^^this statement perhaps? Finding that balance between working on the stuff that's not getting you there, while keeping in mind the stuff that is helping, that you are already doing?

Idk if any of that helps.
 
Do you have an idea of what approach might work for you instead of the compliments?

OK, I know from previous posts of yours that you’re not a big fan of crisis lines or chats, but I used to volunteer for one, so here goes:

When the people I was helping did not know what would be helpful in the moment, which can be frustrating in itself because you are reaching out for just that, we would offer a list of suggestions. If she just moved on when you stated that what she was doing was not helpful, offering suggestions to her might not be the best approach just yet. You can say something like, “during our last session, you asked how it felt to be complimented, and I said that complements weren’t really helpful to me. I still feel this way, so I want/need to try a different approach.” Then ask yourself what validation would look and feel like to/for you. Maybe that’s a place to start? It sounds like she is using the complements as a form of validation, but you are not receiving them as such. Of course, please disregard if I am totally off base.

Again, instead of my question quoted above, try thinking about what validation looks and feels like for you. You could also go as far as asking her what her intention is behind giving you compliments, and use her response as a discussion starter. I’m only suggesting that you explore her intentions simply because you labeled the therapy as “compliment-based“, which may not be her intended focus/goal.
 
i've never heard of compliment-based therapy, but i was highly resistant to "positive affirmations" and being gentle with myself during my early therapy. i figured i needed a bigger pair of boots to kick my twisted ass harder than i was able to kick my own ass.

somewhere along the way i decided that effort to dictate was a symptom of my control freakitis. learning to trust others was a huge leap forward in my therapy. i'm still leery of keeping my mind so open that my brain falls out, but there is much to be said for the healing power of trust.
 
I was like WTF is compliment-based therapy, but if you mean compassion, those are two different things entirely and from that, I jump to your resistance to self-compassion. Why so anti-self-compassion? Sounds like a good therapy session to me.

How far can you hate yourself?
Can you have compassion for youself to the same distance or degree?
Can you criticize yourself equally as much as you give yourself enough time and space and gentleness, whatever that looks like for you?

For me, like @Sideways said, eating *anything* is an accomplishment for me, and I have to consciously and intentionally and painstakingly "reward" my brain and provide the best eating experience possible (yes, this I am rolling my eyes at myself right now, which is not compassionate, it's demanding, which is my default). Otherwise I won't eat. And then I die. Or near enough. I definitely won't progress mentally, emotionally, physically etc. For me this means saying out loud if I have to, and taking an extra 10 minutes as I eat to notice flavors or textures I'm enjoying, and then repeating the bits I enjoy later. It also includes keeping a food diary, because I don't remember what I like and I get frustrated by the demanding nature of fking eating. So my self-compassion includes taking notes about what I like eating and what I don't enjoy eating and only feeding myself what brings me enjoyment so that maybe I want to eat again.

This is not a compliment. This is compassion. Like feeding a terminal cancer patient only the food they love. A compliment is telling the terminal cancer patient that they have a nice color to their skin today. A compliment for me would be telling myself in the mirror that my hair looks nice today or I really tackled that hard thing in therapy and I should be proud of myself for facing that shit.

Dunno if I'm there yet though 😂 Gotta feed myself first.
 
I am asking to work on avoidance symptoms and work/education goals/performance - symptom management. Plus, a place to talk about current life stuff that is a little abnormal, not to process old trauma.
Can you share a little more about what you think is driving the avoidance behaviors? I'm also wondering (in a nutshell, if it's nutshell-able), what types of problems you're experiencing in the work/education areas?
 
It's fair to say maybe it's not compliment based therapy the whole time. We didn't really ID distorted thoughts to challenge, so it didn't seem CBT based. Compassion, as in don't beat myself up, is a good thing... but I wasn't really beating myself up, I wasn't thinking negatively of myself in the moment, so the complimenting, just didn't even fit as an act of compassion? It felt like square peg, round hole.

It's like I arrived trying to learn to ride a bike, embarassed I'm trying to learn how to ride a bike at my age, and before we get out the door, she's saying YOU ARE AMAZING for tying your shoes!

It was.... like calm down tiger. I have been tying my shoes since I was 4.

It was like that patronizing "yay!" people with disabilities get, only she has no idea I'm disabled. We meet on Zoom.

Can you share a little more about what you think is driving the avoidance behaviors? I'm also wondering (in a nutshell, if it's nutshell-able), what types of problems you're experiencing in the work/education areas?
I don't know.... Everything feels useless & I'm struggling with follow through. I'm freezing up. What helps right now is tasks with others, team work, schedules. I'm super on task in that environment, but that is not much of my life right now. Anything alone, unstructured, OMG. I find myself just... it's very hard to describe. I don't quite understand what is happening. It's not 100 percent new, it's at a new level like never before, and it's really become a problem. I know I'm depressed, I know I have ADHD and PTSD. I don't know what's happening.

In relationships, I avoid closeness, I am really distant. I am dragging myself to connect. I feel better when I do, but struggle to sustain. It feels overwhelming, for no real reason I can put together that makes much sense right now.

I celebrate small "wins" or "goals" as a habit now, after reading a book tiny habits, and that usually works when my brain gets stuck. TINY goals. But it's goal focused, not self worth focused. Like training for a race, it works.... just not right now.

It's also just a fight. In order to get to a better structured place, I have to get really productive in an unstructured place.
 
I think I understand now. The way I'm relating to what you said is this divide between what she is expressing and how it lands for you.

Ignore this if not useful: last session with my T, she said she felt empathy and was sorry for what I had been through. That immediately overwhelmed me. Because I wasn't expecting it. Because I don't deserve it? Because it totally challenged my belief of what I can and should expect from others. I'm still overwhelmed by it and still processing it. But it was a valuable lesson for me.

Maybe she is too early on with this positive affirmation/complement because it's not helpful to you in this moment and not where you are in this moment.
You're both just getting to know each other. It's two sessions.
Do you feel able to express, again, how it felt for you? She might need to tread a little more carefully around this and slower.

From an outsider's perspective, I take what she said as trying to (perhaps misguidedly because she is yet to get to know you) see you are worthy.
That's what I took my T's exclamation as. And me and my T aretwo years in to our relationship, and I was still overwhelmed by it.

Also, I wonder if rather than judging the whole therapist modality and the therapist's skills on this one thing, to explore a bit more with her, even if you don't know, what it is you want and how you want her to do her work. It's ok to not know what you need. Just having that discussion in itself is valuable. As it opens up the doors for her checking in with you about how her words are landing for you.

Hope it gets better.
 
It's fair to say maybe it's not compliment based therapy the whole time. We didn't really ID distorted thoughts to challenge, so it didn't seem CBT based.

I apologize for all of my questions, but I’m trying to offer a different perspective. Could the above be an all-or-nothing cognitive distortion? I’m asking because although most, if not all, therapeutic approaches are rooted in a basic framework with so-called evidence-based techniques and outcomes, I wonder if you are focusing on that aspect too much? It seems to me that you’re really trying to understand what your therapist is doing and why she’s doing it, which goes back to my earlier comment about exploring intention. I understand that the work you do in therapy should be/feel productive, even purposeful, goal oriented. However, do the sessions have be based on something empirical per se? If so, why is there so much pressure for them to be that way? What would happen if they weren’t “based” on anything other than foundational principles? After all, the foundational principles of trust, honesty, communication, relationship building, active listening, validation, etc. are the empirical components of therapy that produce desired results, which may or may not be viewed as “successful”. Lastly, the idea of being compassionate toward yourself may be coming from the fact that you seem to be putting high expectations on yourself and the process because you have a clear picture of what you would like to gain from therapy and the reason behind seeking help for yourself. The “expectations” may be a distorted thought in and of themselves, even though there is no formal label within the scope of cognitive distortions. Just more food for thought…
 
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