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My ptsd partner left me - now what?

#25
I hear and understand how much pain and confusion you are feeling right now.
I have also experienced this, unfortunately, many times over, and you can see from the above thread and hundreds of posts on this website, that countless other people have as well.
I know it is natural for many of us supporters to blame ourselves, ruminating on what we might have done to cause them to leave. Wanting answers.... closure... something.

I know this is difficult to comprehend, but you may never get the answers that you are seeking.....even if he reaches out to you down the road. I know it may seem like your world is spinning and it is hard to make sense of it all, but I encourage you to put you and your children first right now. Self care. The therapy you have already started. Reaching out to, and spending time with, loved ones. Doing things that you enjoy. Keeping yourself busy and active and LIVING.

I truly feel for you.
Please remember, everyone is responsible for their own choices. Everyone. He is responsible for his...not you. Now is the time to put yourself and your children first.
 
A

Anonymous1234

#26
I hear and understand how much pain and confusion you are feeling right now.
I have also experienced this, unfortunately, many times over, and you can see from the above thread and hundreds of posts on this website, that countless other people have as well.
I know it is natural for many of us supporters to blame ourselves, ruminating on what we might have done to cause them to leave. Wanting answers.... closure... something.

I know this is difficult to comprehend, but you may never get the answers that you are seeking.....even if he reaches out to you down the road. I know it may seem like your world is spinning and it is hard to make sense of it all, but I encourage you to put you and your children first right now. Self care. The therapy you have already started. Reaching out to, and spending time with, loved ones. Doing things that you enjoy. Keeping yourself busy and active and LIVING.

I truly feel for you.
Please remember, everyone is responsible for their own choices. Everyone. He is responsible for his...not you. Now is the time to put yourself and your children first.
Thankyou for your advice I don't understand how someone can be so cruel when we was really happy together he even used to say he loved me more I'm so worried about my 4 year old daughter whom thinks he's her daddy
 
#27
Thankyou for your advice I don't understand how someone can be so cruel when we was really happy together he even used to say he loved me more I'm so worried about my 4 year old daughter whom thinks he's her daddy
It can be very confusing. It is also incredibly painful.
Consider starting a new thread with a new post (since this one started long ago). You may get a lot more helpful advice and be able to vent a bit more freely.
 
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B

Battlingdad

#28
Thanks Anthony, i did this in April 2018 to get better. Unfortunately the PTSD took me down because I lost focus. I am now at day 0 and about to embark on correct treatment. I'vereally let everyone down and hopefully with the right treatment plan, I can get better and become the fun guy, i used to be.
To my ex if you ever ready this I am sorry for the hell i put you through and sorry for pushing you away.
 
Thread starter #29
I've really let everyone down and hopefully with the right treatment plan, I can get better and become the fun guy, i used to be.
Don't concentrate on beating yourself up though. It took me two marriages and a shit load of casual relationships later to find a person I truly love, with the understanding of what love is, and not just lust. Add to that, the last 12 or so years in this relationship has been constant learning, mistakes, trying to change negative to position behaviour. All towards meeting each others needs every single day, and not one or the other.

It takes time, likely more mistakes, but a focused attitude will often get you where you want to be in the end.
 
#30
Hi, a relationship breakup can FEEL extremely traumatic but it does not meet the diagnostic criteria for something that can cause ptsd.

I’m sorry for your loss. :hug:
Eve, we're not talking about teenage angst here if I'm correct....and how it makes my skin crawl to hear you say that so cavalierly. That's actually not true and I believe this is currently being evaluated DSM as relationship based ptsd, it's widely discussed in psych communities over the last few years. Abusive relationships physical and mental, are more and more being recognized as causation of (relationship) ptsd, there is something akin to Stockholm syndrome with them as well - I assure you it's quite the mind f*ck and depending upon how the delightfully engaging individual chooses to manipulate and triangulate, you/victim is left wondering if you're the one who's lost it while the perpetrator gallops off gallantly to the new life they've covertly designed all the while assuring you all is dandy, undermining you behind your back, and you end up looking as though you've hurt them, added mind F-age. I can speak firsthand that life with a socio-narc will leave you flat as a road squirrel and ptsd as f-ing hell. I've been there and I can tell you an abusive gaslighting narcissist will definitely leave you reeling.
 
#31
AN
Don't concentrate on beating yourself up though. It took me two marriages and a shit load of casual relationships later to find a person I truly love, with the understanding of what love is, and not just lust. Add to that, the last 12 or so years in this relationship has been constant learning, mistakes, trying to change negative to position behaviour. All towards meeting each others needs every single day, and not one or the other.

It takes time, likely more mistakes, but a focused attitude will often get you where you want to be in the end.

Anthony, first, can I thank you on behalf of hundreds on both sides of this challenge? THANK YOU! For doing something so important as launching this site. I hope it gives you a smile as you realize how many you've brought together from both sides of this journey and all side of the world to boot!

My US Marine combat vet has been in my life nearly 4 years. We're 40-somethings and he departed from military almost out entire relationship. He's high functioning great career flying but does the 2-3 month come and go cycle ongoing.

I've been getting better understanding his bandwidth issues, triggers etc, we're more or less been best friends despite having to be separated a great deal...But we're in limbo now after nearly 3 month separation (again), he doesn't even seem to register how long its been, he sort of fuges I guess, it's so dang rubber-bandy, dreaded!... I am naturally a little weirded out and have expressed frustration about it, it goes on and on.

At any rate, I'd like a man's advice on the one thing I can say to him to get him to communicate as he's stopped now after I asked him he dude, it's hurts, where ya been, what gives? If I express my truth I'm greeted with weeks or months more with silence. What are the right words? Advice?
 
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#34
Eve, we're not talking about teenage angst here if I'm correct....and how it makes my skin crawl to hear you say that so cavalierly. That's actually not true and I believe this is currently being evaluated DSM as relationship based ptsd, it's widely discussed in psych communities over the last few years. Abusive relationships physical and mental, are more and more being recognized as causation of (relationship) ptsd, there is something akin to Stockholm syndrome with them as well - I assure you it's quite the mind f*ck and depending upon how the delightfully engaging individual chooses to manipulate and triangulate, you/victim is left wondering if you're the one who's lost it while the perpetrator gallops off gallantly to the new life they've covertly designed all the while assuring you all is dandy, undermining you behind your back, and you end up looking as though you've hurt them, added mind F-age. I can speak firsthand that life with a socio-narc will leave you flat as a road squirrel and ptsd as f-ing hell. I've been there and I can tell you an abusive gaslighting narcissist will definitely leave you reeling.
I am talking about a relationship breakup but you are adding in the abuse part which is actually the trauma, not just the breakup. If a breakup is abusive then yes it’s trauma, but this is due to the abusive factor. I stand by what I say, that a relationship breakup in and of itself doesn’t qualify for criterion A trauma. It’s the ABUSE that makes it traumatic. I have no idea why people cling to the breakup causing PTSD when it’s actually the abuse. I think perhaps because it’s easier to accept and there’s major denial going on? So please stop putting words in my mouth and assuming I’m saying things I’m not saying. Criterion A already covers abuse. I’m not sure why there is a need to call it “relationship PTSD” other than for more validation?
 
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#35
I am talking about a relationship breakup but you are adding in the abuse part which is actually the trauma, not just the breakup. If a breakup is abusive then yes it’s trauma, but this is due to the abusive factor. I stand by what I say, that a relationship breakup in and of itself doesn’t qualify for criterion A trauma. It’s the ABUSE that makes it traumatic. I have no idea why people cling to the breakup causing PTSD when it’s actually the abuse. I think perhaps because it’s easier to accept and there’s major denial going on? So please stop putting words in my mouth and assuming I’m saying things I’m not saying. Criterion A already covers abuse. I’m not sure why there is a need to call it “relationship PTSD” other than for more validation?
I apologize Eve, I assumed we were talking about the trauma portion as well. That's where my headspace when on this forum. Shake hands, pour vino, be friends again please. Reading more carefully I agree it's silly to assume a breakup in itself is PTSD causing unless one is especially emotionally primed somehow, probably from some other prior trauma, so it's triggering other stuff...

In my case, I came out of the abusive relationship several years ago - in which the couples counselor he tried to manipulate unsuccessfully pulled me aside and said, you've got a narc on your hands there, run for your life. For me, in case it helps others here, if you've been in an abusive relationship and survived, it can feel a bit like dancing with the devil to sort through things with a PTSD partner, because some of the PTSD symptoms can unfortunately present much the same and cross lines into abuse if we aren't prepared.

Current, or I guess broken up now, who really knows - PTSD Marine does some very selfish narc-y type things yet out of a very different place/intent. It def makes me feel triggery, wary along with all the other things we supporters feel. My heart struggles with knowing a very damaged wounded warrior is not intending to hurt and certainly suffers guilt over hurting me, unlike narc creature who enjoyed it.

As Anthony points out here, the pivot point for me and others needs to be that, without the desire and movement to improve, a PTSD sufferer is still inflicting pain and the supporter has to get pretty damn strong and put up appropriate boundaries. The rest has all been said a million times, we miss them and the gentle souls that can't fully connect with us.
 
#36
....if you've been in an abusive relationship and survived, it can feel a bit like dancing with the devil to sort through things with a PTSD partner, because some of the PTSD symptoms can unfortunately present much the same and cross lines into abuse if we aren't prepared...
YES! Absolutely, yes!
It is also important to understand that these issues can be comorbid. People already affected by NPD can develop PTSD and, in some cases, PTSD can lead to narcissistic-type behaviour and even full blown NPD (with my sufferer, the medical team involved could not determine if the NPD was preexisting to the traumas/PTSD or occurred as a result of his PTSD).
There is some definite overlap in certain behaviours and, under certain circumstances, that can be extremely confusing and it can lead to supporters putting up with poor and/or abusive treatment because of that. It is very important to understand that, in some cases, it isn’t just PTSD that you are dealing with .... and as confusing as the symptoms and behaviours can be, it is important to differentiate because the treatment response and the likelihood for any change in behaviour in people with NPD is extremely poor.....if professional help is even sought.
 
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