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My ptsd partner left me - now what?

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A repetitive question by spouses and loved ones is that their sufferer walked out of the relationship with little to zero prediction of such event occurring. Some may have concluded that the end of the world would happen before their partner walking away from them would have.

At this point I can only say, I'm sorry for the pain you're enduring right now.

Two questions often follow this predicament:
  • Why did they leave me?
  • What can I do to save the relationship?
There are many possible scenarios surrounding a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) sufferer leaving a partner. This article discusses the key situations and leaves open to comment further discussion for individual cases and possible solutions.

Relationships are complicated​

Relationships within our lives are anything but simple. We have those who are closer to us than others. We have specific individuals within our relationship circles with whom we connect better than others. We have those that we intentionally keep at arm's length yet enjoy catching up with every so often.

It is lovely to believe, or dream, that we meet the love of our lives and spend a lifetime with them. Through good times and bad, the relationship stands the test of time. For a rare few, this is a reality. Unfortunately, this is idealistic in today's society. As such, nowadays it is normal to have multiple marriages and multiple sets of parents.

Many factors are at work to create our modern societal view of marriage, divorce, remarriage, and the adaptions to the nuclear family that accompany these relationships and breakages. Our lives are high-pressure, expectations of marital bliss and compatibility in all arenas are often astronomical, and individuals are often influenced by a culture of disposability, and our society is vastly more accepting of that culture than it was only a couple of generations ago.

What does disposable have to do with anything? Because we no longer fix possessions: when they break, we throw them away and buy a new one. Our relationships follow a similar pattern today, in that we treat them like possessions -- disposable. The moment a relationship requires hard work, one or both partners are more prone to check-out and abandon ship.

When things get too tough, too complicated, we throw away the relationship and get a new one, one where that problem doesn't exist. We hope that a new relationship will be easier. Well... the honeymoon period that typically follows on the heels of new attraction is usually the best part, yet it is equally the most unrealistic model of the relationship.

The honeymoon period​

How magical it is to meet someone new, feel attraction, lust for that person, to learn one another, explore each other. Welcome to the honeymoon period of the relationship.

Everything is new. You don't honestly know one another well enough to begin making changes in the relationship dynamics. You likely even think each other's flaws are cute.

The honeymoon period can be months, and some may stretch it for years based on structuring the relationship between together time and individual time. Once the relationship shifts towards more routine matters, such as savings, moving in together, paying bills, performing chores, planning to be married and even starting a family of your own, the realities of what a real relationship entails are setting in.

All the fun, sex, adventures, romantic outings and spontaneity are slowing as day-to-day routine sets to strive toward goals for the future. Oh yes, they mentioned they had PTSD somewhere amid all that fun and adventure, but it didn't seem to bother them too much nor did it impact me.

As the honeymoon period wanes, the narrative changes. From where did this aspect of their PTSD suddenly spring forward? I've never seen that before from this lovely person. Welcome to the PTSD-affected relationship.

The PTSD relationship​

You awake and give one another a kiss and cuddle, say good morning and begin your morning routine. You're spending the day together, going to the beach. You have a lovely day out. You lay upon the beach, hold hands, talk, relax. You walk along the beach, throw stones in the water, chase each other in the sand, buy ice cream and have lunch. The outing is over, and it's time to go home.

On the drive home, not much is said. You're thinking maybe some romance tonight after such a lovely outing. You arrive home, and the sufferer walks in the door, lays on the couch, turns on the TV and zones out. The day was lovely, and things have gone great, so you ask for a hand to tidy-up the house and prepare dinner.

Explosion! The sufferer goes ballistic and enters a verbal barrage towards you.

"What the hell just happened?" you ask yourself.

The PTSD relationship can range from beautiful, to periodically argumentative, to full scale war zone. Verbal abuse is the rule, but physical abuse can be the exception. One minute everything is great. The next minute, the sufferer breaks down, isolates and becomes unresponsive, even highly aggressive. They may disappear for days or weeks.

The PTSD sufferer​

The effect of PTSD upon a person can range from mildly annoying to completely debilitating. Symptoms vary per person, regardless of PTSD severity. Symptoms will be influenced by factors such as how a person was raised, their morals and beliefs, the type of trauma experienced, socio-economic status, environmental factors and more.

A sufferer with combat trauma may exhibit more aggressive and hyper-vigilant symptoms than compared to a rape victim, who may exhibit quiet, reclusive and security-conscious behaviour. Behaviour will also vary depending on situation, such as the person may be able to function well at work in order to make a living for themselves, to pay the bills, yet when she is home, she crashes and burns, physically and emotionally. He may have no social life as another consequence, unable to process human connection further than a work environment.

A sufferer may no longer be capable of experiencing love, affection or romantic emotions. The more complex the emotion, the less likely they are to experience it or identify with the emotion. It is not uncommon for a person without PTSD to confuse lust with love, so where trauma hinders emotional processing, such distinction becomes ten fold more difficult.

A common feeling for PTSD sufferers is guilt.

Guilt towards a partner​

Whether PTSD presents within a relationship or is present entering the relationship, changes in the relationship due to PTSD can easily cause havoc. The supporter wonders why they aren't "over it" yet, and the sufferer is trying to understand why the supporter doesn't understand. Both parties are lost and confused.

It is not uncommon that a sufferer feels extreme guilt that they're holding their partner back. They may not necessarily express this to their partner, but they watch how their illness is affecting the person they love. Guilt is powerful.

A supporter can often become a different person than they were when entering the relationship. They may become more reclusive to match their PTSD partner. A supporter may lose friends and family who can clearly see from outside the relationship that it is toxic and destructive to who the supporter is as a person. The sufferer can likely see this too.

Guilt creates toxicity.

The toxic relationship​

PTSD, more often than not, creates toxicity within a relationship. You have the PTSD sufferer enduring symptoms, struggling to understand how to stop themselves saying and doing things that even they don't like about themselves any longer. You have a partner who may try and understand yet really cannot. The partner is wondering when their time will be. What about them? Their life has changed for the worse as a result. Negative emotion is harbored and used as weapons against one another.

Home feels like a floor of eggshells. You, the supporter, feel complex emotions, counter-acting emotions. You may love your partner, yet even that emotion may be surrounded with negativity for you. PTSD can destroy the notion of love. A sufferer may love you enough to see they're destroying you, as a person.

This is a long way from that honeymoon period, right?

Where is this going?​

You may now be wondering where this article is going, compared to the original two questions mostly asked when a PTSD relationship has broken down:
  • Why did they leave me?
  • What can I do to save the relationship?
The answers are anything but simple, and they always vary per situation. Remember I said a sufferer will often struggle with emotion. They will find it difficult to feel or to understand what emotion it is they feel. In this way, making a decision to walk away from a relationship can be much easier for a PTSD sufferer, because they don't know what to feel about you. What they often do know is that they can't stay with you because it's making their symptoms worse.

Many a spouse has boggled over the situation of a sufferer walking away into the arms of another. Guilt is one reason. The inability to rationalize complex emotion is another. If you have been longtime partners and PTSD appeared in the relationship, guilt towards watching you sink with them may be a driving factor for leaving. Finally, the sufferer may, out of the blue, no longer feel love towards you. Yep, just like that.

It is easier for a PTSD sufferer to be with another person who doesn't know them. They can be someone different. They can pretend. They can wear a mask. They can even just be themselves, accepting that their new partner met them this way and accepts them. No pressure, in essence, especially if they felt pressured to get well in the previous relationship. They may simply begin to chase the honeymoon period, then exit, knowing what's ahead from experience.

Remember, PTSD sufferers struggle to understand complex emotion. Love is about as complex as it gets. They want to heal, but they may not know how. They may be in complete denial that there is a problem with them.

A final effort to recover​

Knowing what you have read, can the relationship be saved once a sufferer has walked out the door?

Anything is possible, yet unfortunately once a relationship has reached this level, it is highly unlikely. A relationship stands a much better chance if issues are dealt with while the relationship is active. It is the exception, not the rule, that a relationship will come back from this point, especially with the presence of PTSD.

A sufferer may feel the only way forward is to start anew with another. Reasons are comprehensive, at best. Saying that, a few things you can do may be:
  • Ask them if they will attend couples therapy, if not to save the relationship, to help understand residual emotions to help you come to terms with things. You never know; it may get them talking openly when there is no pressure of reconciliation and inadvertently rekindle the relationship. At best, you get some closure.
  • Write them a letter, carefully. Do not blame or use it to vent towards them, certainly not if your aim is to fix the relationship. Express what you feel, and leave everything else for another discussion.
  • Ask them to a casual lunch meeting as though it is just for closure. They may be more open to communicate then.
  • Ring them, as they may feel more comfortable to express themselves over the phone.
The above are merely a few suggestions. At no stage should you place yourself in a position where you become a doormat for your separated partner. Relationships are a compromise, not one-sided. The strongest relationships are often where both parties view their partner as equals. Status, employment, so forth, are not viewed as a measure of importance within the relationship.

Parting words​

Remember the start of this article? Relationships are complicated. Love is complicated, as are the complexities of a healthy relationship, let alone one with mental illness present. Health problems in general can test the strongest of relationships, breaking them apart for one reason or another. Health, physical or mental, can truly test a relationship's ability for communication, commitment and the presence of love for another.

What you have just read, I wrote - a PTSD sufferer, two divorces later due to PTSD, and the third marriage I started to implement significant change into my own life, thus I am still married and with the same partner for now 13 years. I took responsibility for me, and that is what your PTSD sufferer must do too. We own our choices and behaviours. Work with them to help them, but do not compromise your own life. We get one life with no time frame, use it wisely.
 
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I hear and understand how much pain and confusion you are feeling right now.
I have also experienced this, unfortunately, many times over, and you can see from the above thread and hundreds of posts on this website, that countless other people have as well.
I know it is natural for many of us supporters to blame ourselves, ruminating on what we might have done to cause them to leave. Wanting answers.... closure... something.

I know this is difficult to comprehend, but you may never get the answers that you are seeking.....even if he reaches out to you down the road. I know it may seem like your world is spinning and it is hard to make sense of it all, but I encourage you to put you and your children first right now. Self care. The therapy you have already started. Reaching out to, and spending time with, loved ones. Doing things that you enjoy. Keeping yourself busy and active and LIVING.

I truly feel for you.
Please remember, everyone is responsible for their own choices. Everyone. He is responsible for his...not you. Now is the time to put yourself and your children first.
 
I hear and understand how much pain and confusion you are feeling right now.
I have also experienced this, unfortunately, many times over, and you can see from the above thread and hundreds of posts on this website, that countless other people have as well.
I know it is natural for many of us supporters to blame ourselves, ruminating on what we might have done to cause them to leave. Wanting answers.... closure... something.

I know this is difficult to comprehend, but you may never get the answers that you are seeking.....even if he reaches out to you down the road. I know it may seem like your world is spinning and it is hard to make sense of it all, but I encourage you to put you and your children first right now. Self care. The therapy you have already started. Reaching out to, and spending time with, loved ones. Doing things that you enjoy. Keeping yourself busy and active and LIVING.

I truly feel for you.
Please remember, everyone is responsible for their own choices. Everyone. He is responsible for his...not you. Now is the time to put yourself and your children first.

Thankyou for your advice I don't understand how someone can be so cruel when we was really happy together he even used to say he loved me more I'm so worried about my 4 year old daughter whom thinks he's her daddy
 
Thankyou for your advice I don't understand how someone can be so cruel when we was really happy together he even used to say he loved me more I'm so worried about my 4 year old daughter whom thinks he's her daddy

It can be very confusing. It is also incredibly painful.
Consider starting a new thread with a new post (since this one started long ago). You may get a lot more helpful advice and be able to vent a bit more freely.
 
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Thanks Anthony, i did this in April 2018 to get better. Unfortunately the PTSD took me down because I lost focus. I am now at day 0 and about to embark on correct treatment. I'vereally let everyone down and hopefully with the right treatment plan, I can get better and become the fun guy, i used to be.
To my ex if you ever ready this I am sorry for the hell i put you through and sorry for pushing you away.
 
I've really let everyone down and hopefully with the right treatment plan, I can get better and become the fun guy, i used to be.
Don't concentrate on beating yourself up though. It took me two marriages and a shit load of casual relationships later to find a person I truly love, with the understanding of what love is, and not just lust. Add to that, the last 12 or so years in this relationship has been constant learning, mistakes, trying to change negative to position behaviour. All towards meeting each others needs every single day, and not one or the other.

It takes time, likely more mistakes, but a focused attitude will often get you where you want to be in the end.
 
Hi, a relationship breakup can FEEL extremely traumatic but it does not meet the diagnostic criteria for something that can cause ptsd.

I’m sorry for your loss. :hug:

Eve, we're not talking about teenage angst here if I'm correct....and how it makes my skin crawl to hear you say that so cavalierly. That's actually not true and I believe this is currently being evaluated DSM as relationship based ptsd, it's widely discussed in psych communities over the last few years. Abusive relationships physical and mental, are more and more being recognized as causation of (relationship) ptsd, there is something akin to Stockholm syndrome with them as well - I assure you it's quite the mind f*ck and depending upon how the delightfully engaging individual chooses to manipulate and triangulate, you/victim is left wondering if you're the one who's lost it while the perpetrator gallops off gallantly to the new life they've covertly designed all the while assuring you all is dandy, undermining you behind your back, and you end up looking as though you've hurt them, added mind F-age. I can speak firsthand that life with a socio-narc will leave you flat as a road squirrel and ptsd as f-ing hell. I've been there and I can tell you an abusive gaslighting narcissist will definitely leave you reeling.
 
AN
Don't concentrate on beating yourself up though. It took me two marriages and a shit load of casual relationships later to find a person I truly love, with the understanding of what love is, and not just lust. Add to that, the last 12 or so years in this relationship has been constant learning, mistakes, trying to change negative to position behaviour. All towards meeting each others needs every single day, and not one or the other.

It takes time, likely more mistakes, but a focused attitude will often get you where you want to be in the end.


Anthony, first, can I thank you on behalf of hundreds on both sides of this challenge? THANK YOU! For doing something so important as launching this site. I hope it gives you a smile as you realize how many you've brought together from both sides of this journey and all side of the world to boot!

My US Marine combat vet has been in my life nearly 4 years. We're 40-somethings and he departed from military almost out entire relationship. He's high functioning great career flying but does the 2-3 month come and go cycle ongoing.

I've been getting better understanding his bandwidth issues, triggers etc, we're more or less been best friends despite having to be separated a great deal...But we're in limbo now after nearly 3 month separation (again), he doesn't even seem to register how long its been, he sort of fuges I guess, it's so dang rubber-bandy, dreaded!... I am naturally a little weirded out and have expressed frustration about it, it goes on and on.

At any rate, I'd like a man's advice on the one thing I can say to him to get him to communicate as he's stopped now after I asked him he dude, it's hurts, where ya been, what gives? If I express my truth I'm greeted with weeks or months more with silence. What are the right words? Advice?
 
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Eve, we're not talking about teenage angst here if I'm correct....and how it makes my skin crawl to hear you say that so cavalierly. That's actually not true and I believe this is currently being evaluated DSM as relationship based ptsd, it's widely discussed in psych communities over the last few years. Abusive relationships physical and mental, are more and more being recognized as causation of (relationship) ptsd, there is something akin to Stockholm syndrome with them as well - I assure you it's quite the mind f*ck and depending upon how the delightfully engaging individual chooses to manipulate and triangulate, you/victim is left wondering if you're the one who's lost it while the perpetrator gallops off gallantly to the new life they've covertly designed all the while assuring you all is dandy, undermining you behind your back, and you end up looking as though you've hurt them, added mind F-age. I can speak firsthand that life with a socio-narc will leave you flat as a road squirrel and ptsd as f-ing hell. I've been there and I can tell you an abusive gaslighting narcissist will definitely leave you reeling.

I am talking about a relationship breakup but you are adding in the abuse part which is actually the trauma, not just the breakup. If a breakup is abusive then yes it’s trauma, but this is due to the abusive factor. I stand by what I say, that a relationship breakup in and of itself doesn’t qualify for criterion A trauma. It’s the ABUSE that makes it traumatic. I have no idea why people cling to the breakup causing PTSD when it’s actually the abuse. I think perhaps because it’s easier to accept and there’s major denial going on? So please stop putting words in my mouth and assuming I’m saying things I’m not saying. Criterion A already covers abuse. I’m not sure why there is a need to call it “relationship PTSD” other than for more validation?
 
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I am talking about a relationship breakup but you are adding in the abuse part which is actually the trauma, not just the breakup. If a breakup is abusive then yes it’s trauma, but this is due to the abusive factor. I stand by what I say, that a relationship breakup in and of itself doesn’t qualify for criterion A trauma. It’s the ABUSE that makes it traumatic. I have no idea why people cling to the breakup causing PTSD when it’s actually the abuse. I think perhaps because it’s easier to accept and there’s major denial going on? So please stop putting words in my mouth and assuming I’m saying things I’m not saying. Criterion A already covers abuse. I’m not sure why there is a need to call it “relationship PTSD” other than for more validation?

I apologize Eve, I assumed we were talking about the trauma portion as well. That's where my headspace when on this forum. Shake hands, pour vino, be friends again please. Reading more carefully I agree it's silly to assume a breakup in itself is PTSD causing unless one is especially emotionally primed somehow, probably from some other prior trauma, so it's triggering other stuff...

In my case, I came out of the abusive relationship several years ago - in which the couples counselor he tried to manipulate unsuccessfully pulled me aside and said, you've got a narc on your hands there, run for your life. For me, in case it helps others here, if you've been in an abusive relationship and survived, it can feel a bit like dancing with the devil to sort through things with a PTSD partner, because some of the PTSD symptoms can unfortunately present much the same and cross lines into abuse if we aren't prepared.

Current, or I guess broken up now, who really knows - PTSD Marine does some very selfish narc-y type things yet out of a very different place/intent. It def makes me feel triggery, wary along with all the other things we supporters feel. My heart struggles with knowing a very damaged wounded warrior is not intending to hurt and certainly suffers guilt over hurting me, unlike narc creature who enjoyed it.

As Anthony points out here, the pivot point for me and others needs to be that, without the desire and movement to improve, a PTSD sufferer is still inflicting pain and the supporter has to get pretty damn strong and put up appropriate boundaries. The rest has all been said a million times, we miss them and the gentle souls that can't fully connect with us.
 
....if you've been in an abusive relationship and survived, it can feel a bit like dancing with the devil to sort through things with a PTSD partner, because some of the PTSD symptoms can unfortunately present much the same and cross lines into abuse if we aren't prepared...

YES! Absolutely, yes!
It is also important to understand that these issues can be comorbid. People already affected by NPD can develop PTSD and, in some cases, PTSD can lead to narcissistic-type behaviour and even full blown NPD (with my sufferer, the medical team involved could not determine if the NPD was preexisting to the traumas/PTSD or occurred as a result of his PTSD).
There is some definite overlap in certain behaviours and, under certain circumstances, that can be extremely confusing and it can lead to supporters putting up with poor and/or abusive treatment because of that. It is very important to understand that, in some cases, it isn’t just PTSD that you are dealing with .... and as confusing as the symptoms and behaviours can be, it is important to differentiate because the treatment response and the likelihood for any change in behaviour in people with NPD is extremely poor.....if professional help is even sought.
 
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