• All donations and upgrades are manually verified and approved within 24hrs.
  • Upgrades are ongoing. Learn how to save your bookmarked posts.

My ptsd partner left me - now what?

#37
This is long, and looks like a rant, but it isn't. Please excuse the long-windedness, but hopefully my message will be helpful to someone out there.
I have C-PTSD. Initially, I struggled in my teens as a result of surviving multiple instances of child abuse. I endured much betrayal and abandonment during those years, but as a consequence, I learned to value those people who were generous and caring towards me without demanding anything in return. About 7 years ago, at the top of my personal and career success, I found myself in the belly of the beast again. I was stalked and severely sexually by an ex-boyfriend who decimated my life through identity theft and false allegation court actions. I suffered from a brain injury from the assault, and the ex-boyfriend obtained full custody of my child by getting a child protective services workers to believe I was crazy and thus incapable of being a Mom. My attorney told me that if I took the years to prosecute for the stalking and assault, I wouldn't see my child during that time, if ever again. So, I stitched myself together mentally, swallowed my dignity, and eventually proved to the court that I was fit to parent my child.
While in the hospital recovering from my physical injuries, my new husband, to whom I was married only a year, cleared his belongings out of our home and abandoned our marriage forever. Of course, being left in that rock bottom state brought me back to how I felt as a helpless, abused, abandoned child.
Although I wasn't exactly the life of the party during this time, there were a few people who helped me get through bit by bit. No one person was willing to walk by my side day by day. I cried and begged for my husband and my close friends to return, but no one could believe that I was truly blameless for what happened to me. They just couldn't reconcile what happened with me and their belief that bad things don't happen to good people. I missed them, I cried for them, and I tried everything I could think of to invite them back in to my life. Although I wasn't successful, I made it through that awful time, mostly because of my dog's unconditional love for me, the small acts of acquaintances and strangers, and God's grace.
I bring my history up here to remind everyone on this forum that we are all responsible for our own actions. I still struggle with CPTSD. I feel like I live deep inside myself but project a safe, happy, false image of who I wish I was and believe others want me to be (because they feel more comfortable). I am very lonely, but I am deathly afraid of extending myself to meet new people. No one knows this. I talk to friends and family on a daily basis, and I wear my mask of safety. I just can't figure out how to not feel afraid constantly. I see things that are beautiful around me, but I feel like I am separated from it by a thick plate of glass.
Never, ever would I want to harm people, particularly those that show care towards me. I know how it feels to be hurt, betrayed, abused, and abandoned, so why would I want to spread that around?
Just because someone has a mental health issue like PTSD does not mean that they are unable to avoid abusing others or treating them hurtfully. I found that having a mental issue makes me even more conscientious and compassionate. If I am having a tough time with symptoms and I worry I might act short-tempered if I socialize, then I stay home, watch comedy shows, and cuddle my dog. I have bad habits like over-eating, so I'm no saint. But No Way am I going to hurt those that care for me!
If someone treats you badly, and that includes breaking a relationship unilaterally, abruptly, and/or with little explanation, then frankly, that person is a jerk. Ending a relationship that way is not OK. It doesn't matter whether that person has PTSD or not. That's my opinion. We need to be responsible and considerate about how we treat one another. No excuses!
Thanks for reading.......
SD
 
#38
My husband just left me saying he didnt love me anymore after ten years together and i didnt see it coming. He is a veteran and had undiagnoses ptsd with childhood trauma. We have gone through so much, he has a new stressful job and we were going to renew our vows in may. He says he still cares for me deeply but has been lying to me about loving me for about 6 months. I am so lost.
 
#39
A repetitive question by spouses and loved ones is that their sufferer walked out of the relationship with little to zero prediction of such event occurring. Some may have concluded that the end of the world would happen before their partner walking away from them would have.

Well, this pretty much spells out my relationship with my beloved girlfriend. Her ex was physically abusive, I had no idea the ramifications it would have on us. I felt that I was a great boyfriend, successful, loving, caring willing to go the extra mile to listen and be attentive. After a wonderful weekend I left her house on Monday morning to start my work week, we discussed that she might come to my town later than evening, instead, I call her and hear that she has a lot to deal with right now and she doesn't know "if she can get there"... I have no idea what this means. Over the next few weeks, I only get sparse responses to my texts and somewhat aloof partial phrases. Within a 24 hour period following that call, I had a friend commit suicide, I proceed to text her and let her know what I was dealing with and all I got was "I'm so sorry". Finally after a couple of weeks, we have a "good" conversation and agree to meet the next evening. When we saw each other it was like everything was fine, I spent the night and we felt super close.

I told her I would give her space and we would see each other the next weekend, either an over night or whatever. She asked if I was going to stay and that she wanted me too. Later that evening as I crawl in bed, she came and told me that her daughters were coming home and their grandmother was really sick from the virus and she was not comfortable with me there. The daughters are college age. I quickly got up and grabbed my things and said "you don't need a boyfriend" and left. I didnt hear from her the next day, nor the day after. She blamed me for being "mean" and said she didnt want to talk about it. She has admitted the PTSD thing and how it affects her. We had a good conversation when I went to get my things a few days ago. Since I have not heard from her, but she asked if we could still maybe go to the beach, but she didnt want to hold me back and she felt terrible.

I'm sure all this sounds way to familiar. This was a person I was talking about marrying and we discussed very serious matters. I had visited her parents. Out of no where, I'm out and I don't even get a "hey, how are you?" or "how's your day". Should I just quit pursuing all together and give her that space or touch base and let her know I'm here. It's very confusing and as much as I can say I can move on and I've been very strong through all of this, it's hard to just abandon the relationship and her. I told her I would help her through and would support her in a healthy way. Where do I go from here? I don't want to be a doormat, but I don't want to abandon someone I care so deeply about and had so many hopes and dreams. Any thoughts suggestions? T
 
Last edited by a moderator:
#40
Hi @anthony and everyone,
This forum did help me alot.
She doesn't want to break up with me and she still on healing progress which we are very little contact ,i still have to move on focus mylife right?
just stay interaction with her like normal online friend?
 
#41
My husband just left me saying he didnt love me anymore after ten years together and i didnt see it coming. He is a veteran and had undiagnoses ptsd with childhood trauma. We have gone through so much, he has a new stressful job and we were going to renew our vows in may. He says he still cares for me deeply but has been lying to me about loving me for about 6 months. I am so lost.
I'm sorry what you have been through,you're not alone
alot Ptsd supporter here almost having same heartbreak and frustration
 
#42
Hi @ Anthony and everybody. I am writing to get some guidance on how to proceed. I’ve been in a relationship with an ADSM who has PTSD for almost 2 years. About 8 months into our relationship, he shut down emotionally and wouldn’t really respond to texts and phone calls. When this occurred, he sent a text message saying that he was overwhelmed, and he felt like he “was losing his shit.” I gave him space and time and would text him occasionally to check in and provide encouragement. At the time, he did have a lot going on at work and some unexpected things occurred in his personal life. It seemed like things just kept coming at him and he couldn’t get a break.
About 3 months into his shutdown, he went to a program for 5 weeks. When he was at the program, he contacted me and thanked me for being there for him. He wanted to work on things when he returned. When he came back, he wasn’t ready to communicate and continue our relationship. He avoided meeting and when I confronted him about it, he drove off and said he was good. He contacted me a few days later saying he was content being alone and getting himself together. Three months later he contacted me. We discussed things and tried again. This past Christmas he proposed, and we became engaged. I went home with him for Thanksgiving and met his family. He met my family at Christmas. We were planning to get married in July 2020 but due to COVID-19 those plans changed. Also, we were going to do couples counseling together starting in early April but that also didn’t occur due to the pandemic.
When the pandemic occurred, I was concerned about how he was doing mentally with the isolation. Also, he had to work more and take on more responsibility at work due to being a medic and I was also working more because I’m a nurse. He has been going to behavioral health for years but when COVID-19 happened he couldn’t have in-person appointments and didn’t get seen as often as he usually does. He also, wasn’t officially diagnosed with PTSD until about 2 years ago. In early June, he said that he was anxious about his upcoming medical board in terms of the process, how long it would take, if he would get to med board, and what his finances would look like. He said this was why he didn’t want to do a small wedding in August since that’s when he planned to begin the medical board process. I was fine with that but wanted to be sure he still wanted to get married. When I asked him if he still wanted to get married, he said yes.
He seemed to be doing fine until mid-June. At that time, he started to not answer phone calls. His communication became less frequent. When I texted I would get a one sentence answer. I could tell he wasn’t engaged. He texted that the isolation was getting to him and he was going to contact behavioral health. He also said he would love to meet people who are like him, meaning who have PTSD, anxiety, and depression. At the time, he hadn’t been able to go home to see his family since Christmas. When he contacted behavioral health, he was told that it would be a month before he could be seen by the therapist, he has been seeing for over 2 years. During the pandemic, he has been going fishing with some acquaintances from work, but they didn’t really talk when they went fishing.
I saw him a few days after he sent the text about the isolation getting to him, we talked, and he seemed engaged. He did express some feelings of anger toward the police due to the George Floyd situation. He felt like that could have been him. I contacted him a few days later to see how his day was and he said it was serene. I thought maybe he didn’t go to work but he said he was at work but that he’d been dreaming and that they were pleasant dreams. I told him I was going to come by after work, and he asked me not to. I reminded him that if he was feeling like he was going into isolation mode he had agreed that we would communicate and work on it together. I didn’t go by and gave him space for a few days. At the end of the week when I contacted him, he said that I deserved better because he has issues, that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him, that he knows it’s selfish but he just wants to take care of himself and not have to worry about anyone else.
This was two and a half months ago. I left him alone to again give him space and time and get seen by behavioral health. I did contact him about 2 weeks after we last saw each other to wish him a happy birthday. He then wished me a happy birthday a week later but put in parenthesis if you haven’t blocked me. He defriended me on Facebook and took me off of a membership we shared (without telling me). I contacted him by text a month a half into everything and we had a good conversation. I didn’t bring up anything having to do with feelings. He brought up how the medical board process was going and thanked me for reaching out.
A friend of mine said he’s in crisis and told me about a PTSD program he went to about 4 years ago that really helped him. I looked into the program and it seems like it would address some of the things about the other program he went to that he felt hindered him. The program is only a week in person and then there’s follow-up with zoom sessions and calls for a year and a half. My friend said that the people you go through the program with hold each other accountable for attending the follow-up sessions and form a bond of brothers. The program is not medication based, it’s run in part by combat veterans, everyone in the program is a combat veteran (this was one thing he found he had issues with at the other program because not everybody had PTSD due to combat so he had trouble connecting with them), it’s not affiliated with the military or VA, he may be able to bring his dog, and it’s for one week in person. My fiancé doesn’t have any friends here and really only has one good friend who is in halfway across the country. His family knows about his PTSD but doesn’t know the extent of it. In his previous relationships, he didn’t disclose the extent of his PTSD. He has told me things that he has only told a therapist before.
When he was doing well this past year, he would try new things, even though it made him anxious. He would communicate with me that he had thought about how he could get out of going but he would go. Some things weren’t for him and some he said he would do again. He communicated why certain things weren’t for him and why he would do certain things again. He has admitted to having communication problems in general and to having trouble being able to express his emotions appropriately once he joined the military. He has discussed some of the things he saw when he was deployed and his feelings of guilt and how he felt God was punishing him due to some events that have occurred in his life. He also has expressed feeling guilty about reenlisting because his grandmother, when she was dying, asked him not to reenlist.
I did text him a few weeks ago and that went well. He shared with me that he was going home for Labor Day weekend, that he’d been fishing and was going to take some of the fish home to his family, and sent me a picture of the fish he’d caught. We even joked about his sharing the fish with his dog, who was in the photo looking like he couldn’t wait to have some of the fish. I want to reach out again and see how he’s doing and if he looked at the information. My therapist said that it seems like he’s coming out of his shell again, maybe because some of the stress has decreased due to his knowing he will be able to med board and has a time frame, and that he needs some coaxing to continue to come out of his shell. Right now, kind of reminds me of how things were when he got out of the 5 week program he attended previously in that he’ll communicate but you just can’t go too deep into things having to do with feelings.
I’m wondering about the best way to proceed regarding his thoughts on the program and our next interaction. I would ultimately like to have a face to face conversation. I know that now isn’t the time to approach that but would like to in the next month or so. Also, if anyone has any thoughts or insight into the emotional shutdown and isolation, such as if this is common, thoughts on our recent communications, and what should be my next steps should be I’d appreciate it. Thanks.
 
W

Winter Cricket

#43
Hello lady, I'm going to apologize for the short reply but have an oh too early day tomorrow. But I did want you to know that what I see in your letter is indeed pretty standard stuff and I went through it all with my Veteran. We aren't together any longer but we communicate from time to time and I continue to encourage him from a distance even though I had to move on. I forgave him for letting me down once I realized his energy was going to managing so much more inside of him. He wasn't healthy enough to be there for me, and I'm glad yours is doing things to seek treatment. In my opinion, they simply won't be able to maintain a stable relationship until they get a dig and make real progress tackling the PTS, and no matter how we try to support, this is their dragon to slay. You have a tribe out here that understands. Fortify yourself and be strong, he may not be able to be the whole capable man you need him to be now. I wish you much luck on the journey.
 
#44
Hello slewis94.

It has been a while since I have been on this forum, but your post caught my eye. I will also apologize for the berevity of my reply, but I did want to praise you for your loyalty and raise some questions for you to mull over.

It sounds like you love your sufferer very much and have put a lot of effort into the relationship. You have been careful to not push too hard and have been incredibly understanding. I understand all of this very well.

When it comes right down to it, the question is, are you getting everything you need and want from this relationship? Not just once in a while, but consistently. Because that is what you deserve.

Relationships in these situations are challenging. Sometimes, even with therapy, what your describing does not change. The cycle repeats itself over and over and over again.

How do you feel when he disappears?
When he does not communicate?
When you are left wondering where you stand and if you will heard from him again?

If he did not have PTSD would you accept this behaviour? Would you stay in the relationship?


From a loving place - I have been there.

Peace.
 
Top Bottom