• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Do you experience a therapy high?

Status
Not open for further replies.

PlainJane

Moderator
Whilst preparing for therapy, I took note of ‘where I was at’ in terms of emotions. I was feeling a bit anxious, I knew exactly what we were going to start on during the session. Also, I was looking forward to the challenge, like pre-race jitters.

It’s something I know I have to keep an eye on, so I don’t push too hard or far. I like engaging in high risk activities, and my go-to coping mechanisms involve anything requiring endurance, physical and/or mental discomfort that I have to overcome.

I struggle with the aftermath of therapy. The hangover in all of its glory. When I come out of that, though, I want to push harder. Like running or lifting. It’s definitely harder, harder than any physical activity I’ve ever done. It’s like a high.

It makes me feel really screwed up. Anybody else experience therapy like this?
 
Hell yeah. When you go to high school being "that kid with the weird eye" you get an attitude to be normal as possible. That means "I don't care why I have trouble doing it, I can overcome it."

It's hard to say hangover is the same as yours. I had a lot of very old memories to change so it is difficult for me to say when that reprocessing ends in a way. So hangover went on for a long time.

But the push and shove and give me more - it's what I have been - most of my life. Around therapy though? It hurts to do that. Learning to just BE and let my T pace whats going on has helped change that some. But it's still there, give me more...
 
I sure do. Even after 8 years of seeing this therapist, I still get butterflies before every session, wondering what kind of hard stuff we're going to process today. One hour is NOT enough time! I'd go 90 minutes 2x a week if I could afford it, just to make some real progress. Pushing myself is easy, relaxing and letting the process unfold naturally is HARD!!
 
Around therapy though? It hurts to do that

Yeah, it hurts like a mother f*cker. Days, sometimes week(s), following the session I’m physically sick. Can’t stop puking, sleep is a total no go. It has screwed with my work week, home life, etc. I am no near ending the reprocessing of what we're working on, just a layer, lowering SUDS, then working on it again.

I sure do. Even after 8 years of seeing this therapist, I still get butterflies before every session, wondering what kind of hard stuff we're going to process today. One hour is NOT enough time! I'd go 90 minutes 2x a week if I could afford it, just to make some real progress. Pushing myself is easy, relaxing and letting the process unfold naturally is HARD!!

Yes! Pushing feels so natural. What about pushing is important to you? I don't know if it's a control thing? Or where the relaxing and letting things unfold is so foreign? Maybe a bit of both.

My T has a natural tendency to be gentle when challenging me. Earlier in the process, I asked her to push me harder. I love when she lets go and sets up those challenges. I dread the pain that is going to surface, but looking for the high at some point. Just like the challenge of running and a runners high.
 
Yes! Pushing feels so natural. What about pushing is important to you? I don't know if it's a control thing? Or where the relaxing and letting things unfold is so foreign? Maybe a bit of both.

inside my own psyche, i believe that part of pushing which is important to me is running in the future. i was born into abysmal circumstances and nothing within my natural birthright feels good enough for anything. the harder i push myself, the quicker i can be something other than the pure white trash of my birthright. in my case, it is most definitely a control thing. the harder i push myself, the more control i'll have over my future.

sigh. . .

the meanest lies in the world are the ones i tell myself.
works in progress. . .
 
Yes, I get a high after therapy sometimes, it's when I've talked about something heavy and serious. It's like a weight has lifted. It doesn't last that long , don't know how long it lasts for.
 
Like @arfie said, its about control. I have some real control issues. I even push myself too hard at the gym, or doing ANYTHING, really, and have done some serious damage to my body in the process. Learning to let go of the need for control is a big part of therapy, but I even find myself pushing to do THAT!! Sigh....a long process I guess :-)
 
the harder i push myself, the more control i'll have over my future

I understand this.

Like @arfie said, its about control. I have some real control issues. I even push myself too hard at the gym, or doing ANYTHING, really, and have done some serious damage to my body in the process. Learning to let go of the need for control is a big part of therapy, but I even find myself pushing to do THAT!! Sigh....a long process I guess :-)

Same. It's part of what makes my therapist a good fit for me. She is clever for one, two she is naturally cautious. It's interesting learning from her. No joke, I had no idea I could put something down and work on it later. I didn't know it was 'allowed.' I enjoy pushing my limits.

I approach EVERYTHING the same way, like you. What are you doing to help you 'let go' so to speak?
 
I never feel a high with learning or disclosure. But progress feels hopeful, and relief brings me happiness.

I think pushing for me is because I want to solve it, once and for all. But paradoxically it's like forcing a chick out of it's shell too soon. Idk how many times I thought I reached 'the end of the internet', or the centre of the onion. Idk how to relax without fear or worrying what is coming next in my life, and/or how I'll deal with it.
 
Yeah, it hurts like a mother f*cker. Days, sometimes week(s), following the session I’m physically sick. Can’t stop puking, sleep is a total no go. It has screwed with my work week, home life, etc. I am no near ending the reprocessing of what we're working on, just a layer, lowering SUDS, then working on it again.
Hell yeah.
It is by far the hardest thing EVER to just BE after therapy and plan nothing. Watch the stress cup and watch fun videos.

But I just kept getting in trouble because well, a quick bite of lunch with my sister, and a stop by the grocery store.....

Then I had a day where literally between the T's door and my car I got whacked with hangover. It was the mental equivalent of a 10 day drunk hangover. It scared me to be honest. I was a mess by the time I got home and I probably shouldn't have driven home. It scared me in a bunch of ways. What if I was somewhere shopping and went nearly non functioning?

Finally I got the message. Just stop it. Your are only hurting yourself.

It's still hard as hell to lay down but going the other way just piles on the hurt.
 
I think pushing for me is because I want to solve it, once and for all

That makes sense and logically I want the same thing.

Then I had a day where literally between the T's door and my car I got whacked with hangover. It was the mental equivalent of a 10 day drunk hangover. It scared me to be honest. I was a mess by the time I got home and I probably shouldn't have driven home.

Yes, this is a scary place to be. Definitely had a similar experience a few times and should not have been driving or attempting to work, or anything really.

This is the part that makes me feel screwed up. I just come out of this hangover, not functional, god knows what kind of stupid decision I’ll make, because I’m as rational as a drunk and I say, “I want to push more, but can you really put some oomph into it this time?” All because there is this euphoria attached.

I've just now related it to when my mom's boyfriend just finished beating the shit out of me. I was about 6 at the time, I had the bright idea of quoting a movie line, "Is that all you got?!". I was a gutsy little f*cker. There was another time, he was closing the door on us, my sister and me, in a dark room and my sister began to cry because she was afraid of the dark, I looked him square in the eye with my tiny hands on my hips and said "don't you dare." Beat the shit out of me then too, but he forgot about the door. My sister fell asleep in the meantime.

I understand chaos and pain. I need control or to shift the balance of power. I don't know.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top