General How Do I 'Support' Effectively?

[Jawn]

Give him time and space with zero contact. Like the old saying goes "if you really love him, let him go. If it is meant to be, he will return." I think that is all you can & should do at this point. He has to work through his issues on his own in his own time. Let him do that without any pressure from you.

Very hard to do I know, but it's really what's best for both of you.

Jawn

 

[jenkins123]

Ok, thanks again Jawn. Everyone seems to be saying, leave him be. It IS so hard. I keep thinking the longer it goes on the more likely he is to think I've moved on too, when in fact I feel in limbo, but am totally prepared to wait. I know I shouldn't and can't, but I'm even trying to figure out how long do I wait until I decide/accept he won't get back in touch at all and it's time to give up?

 

[Nicolette]

As I'm typing on a phone I can't be as in depth but I would like to say this to you:

1. The general consensus is to not make contact - I see you trying to rationalise reasons why you should have contact;
2. Actions speak louder than words.... He may have said things in the past but his actions say he doesn't want contact;
3. Just because someone may have PTSD does not mean that the illness is the reason for actions you don't like....people on this forum have relationships with people who have PTSD so it's wrong to assume PTSD is the cause for all you don't like in terms of the other person's behaviour or actions;
4. IMHO this is currently about your needs & not his. If you took PTSD out of the situation & someone was giving you the same brush off & request to be left alone what would you think? Not all relationships work out...just a fact of life.

 

[jenkins123]

You're right, I am trying to rationalise. I now accept the consensus to back off, and hope one day he may get back in touch if he wants. I do still think PTSD explains a lot of stuff between us, but as you say who knows if it explains all. For the record, I'm not a selfish person at all, I feel it maybe has come across that I'm out for my own ends. I'm not. I just feel sad at losing someone I love, and guilty at not handling his PTSD by becoming informed earlier on. This is why it still feels like a missed opportunity for us both. Thank you for all advice.

 

[jenkins123]

It's been a while since I posted but the rollercoaster remained, and I'm in a hard place right now, and looking for advice/support or just help at understanding.

My ex actually got back to me by email a few weeks ago out of the blue, apologising and telling me that he was going through a very hard time emotionally and had finally decided to get serious help hence his silence. I guess I was so relieved at contact from him, that I resumed texting him short supportive messages once in a while, and he suddenly started flirting in his replies. It threw me a lot but it seemed to be a connection at least. Then he implied we should explore things further when he returned from a trip. Of course I was apprehensive but excited that he seemed ready to reestablish things. However the days went by from his return and no follow up so I texted asking if he was ready to meet to which he replied "soon". I got frustrated, and tried hard to put it down to what I had learned about ptsd behaviour but found it hard to dismiss that he could inititate suggestions and then back off again. I certainly hadn't pushed for a meet up before his suggestion. Then I asked for dates and he told me he's busy now for another month so gave me a date in mid December. Cue more confusion my end, and so I replied that we didn't seem to be on the same page and that we should only meet up if we are both ready to rebuild the relationship. He replied that we should not meet as it's safer. Thereby ending things again.

I'm expecting to be told by some of you that I pushed, but part of me feels I just responded to his cue. I don't understand why he would suggest it if not wanting to follow through. I certainly didn't start the flirting either. Of course I'm upset now, and I want to feel that it is for the best that we ended if he is not ready. However I also feel we both should have stayed with the silence he mentioned in that email while he's in therapy and I am toying with the idea of telling him such, i.e that we really respect the silence this time so it doesn't lead to this again. Of course there are many feelings going through my mind; did I let him down again by my contact?
Did I expect/read in too much to those messages from him? So hard to know if I should walk away..again.

 

[Béatrice]

This is really hard.
I'm new here and I'm still learning about PTSD.

Jenkins, I would have made the same mistakes, and I did, with a wonderful friend that I met a couple of years ago. She changed my life. I can't be the same anymore. I feel as if she's part of my family and I can't lose her.

I never really respected her isolating wishes, not knowing about PTSD. We communicate mainly by email, which is the best way to respect everyone's privacy and time. I can't believe that we're still friends after all the mistakes I made. I think she had a lot of patience with me and I'm terribly grateful.

I think it must be different in "love" relationships though, as the need for contact is certainly greater. Although I worry so much about my friend that I need to hear from her more often than what she can "offer". She's been isolated for such a long time that she doesn't have the same "reflexes" as "we" have, to just drop a line... just to let people know that we're all right.

I wonder if sometimes "leave me alone" is not exactly the real wish of a person. I wonder if respecting the wish could be interpreted as "not caring enough".

I didn't know my friend had PTSD and I behaved in all sorts of silly ways. The relationship was "ended" by her more than once. But I never respected her wish, and I wrote apologies, trying to understand what went wrong, asking what I could do to improve it (but then often I couldn't respect her wishes). What happened is that I felt treated with contempt and disdain, and I couldn't handle it. I assumed it was nastiness towards me and I got angry. At the end I ended up apologising for my reaction but she never apologised for her words. And then... back to normal emails, as if nothing happened.. And she stopped telling me about her life, saying that I couldn't understand anyway.

It all started in a similar way as yours, Jenkins. I was apparently the only one whom she told what happened to her (child abuse, especially by father, huge depression as a young adult). She had also mentioned PTSD, but I concentrated on the "child abuse" part, and tried to read things about it. And then fortunately I later went to look for PTSD and I found some answers. But only in this site/forum I could find comfort, seeing that the other "carers" have the same reactions, the same concerns, the same distress! I thought I was going crazy! Or that I was being fussy!!
Reading what other sufferers write helps me to understand my friend better (because she doesn't want to talk about it anymore). In this way I hope we will have less bad moments, and more joy together. She's the most amazing person I've ever met in my life!
From what I read, I think I have to give up thinking that I can "cure" her. I thought that love could cure, but I have to accept reality now.

Jenkins, are there any news?

 

[jenkins123]

Beatrice, thank you and I hope your situation has improved. It is hard indeed.

I'm here again to update and request more views/insight. As my ex was due to be in the same location as me this week, I emailed and said we could do one of several things; remain friends and just say hello, or not say hello, or resume dating if he felt ready. He came back suggesting we met somewhere, I was not sure if it was in friendship or more but was of course elated. He then implied it was more intimate than friendship and I was all set to meet up until he became vague on the day, and finally cancelled. We later spoke on the phone at my request and he basically said we are not compatible and he doesn't want to be with anyone. I still think this is unmanaged trauma related (he has started or restarted therapy recently). I feel that by continuing to reach out to me, he seems to be wanting something with me, but that we are just not ready for it until his trauma is managed. And of course I know I have made mistakes too by reaching out/back.

So far he has told me he loved me and walked away, told me to leave him alone, told me he was sorry for his silence and that he was in therapy, suggested we explore further, withdrawn the suggestion as being "unsafe", then suggested we will see if we have a future, then flirted, then withdrawn, then chosen to meet up and cancelled.

I now have finally learned that I must walk away, get on with my life, and not wait. However, I wonder, does anyone think he may in fact have feelings for me, and rejecting and pulling me back could be part of the trauma related symptoms? I plan now to let him know the above, that I will walk away for both our sakes, but I also want to tell him I would always be open to hearing from him if he gets to the point of managing it.
Thank you.

 

[Nicolette]

However, I wonder, does anyone think he may in fact have feelings for me, and rejecting and pulling me back could be part of the trauma related symptoms?

Definitely sounds like it to me. He sounds like he is struggling as he says he loves you then becomes emotionally overwhelmed and then withdraws. I hope you do understand that it is hardest for a PTSD Sufferer to deal with someone they are emotionally involved with than someone who has no consequence on their life.

My only advice........set a time limit within your own mind as it is not fair on you to wait forever and miss your chances of happiness and love. I will also say that from 3+ years of being on this forum that sometimes if a PTSD Sufferer feels they have hurt/put you through too much/ think they may hurt you again that they may walk away despite still loving you. It takes more than love unfortunately. :rolleyes:

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[lovinbiker]

My only advice........set a time limit within your own mind as it is not fair on you to wait forever and miss your chances of happiness and love. I will also say that from 3+ years of being on this forum that sometimes if a PTSD Sufferer feels they have hurt/put you through too much/ think they may hurt you again that they may walk away despite still loving you. It takes more than love unfortunately. :rolleyes:

Sound advise Nicolette as always.
It really does take more than love as I know from my own experience.
I think you should carry on living your life jenkins, I would say im sure he loves you as my (ex) does me. It sounds like he is in the same postion as my (ex) in that she could not cope with the extra stress and pressure of a relationship.

What I did was finish it but told her that I was here for her if she needed me but she needed to focus on ONLY her and not US as that was more than she could cope with.
Thats what she is doing and we now talk more than when we where together as pressure/stress is off us both now that we are friends.

Good luck take care
LB

 

[Béatrice]

Best wishes! Link Removed

 

[jenkins123]

Thank you all, as always, for your thoughts. There's a tendency in me to hope when "unmanaged" ptsd becomes "managed", he may come back to me, but I appreciate that I cannot put my life on hold. The best I can do is let go, let him know that I care and let him get healed.
May I just say, I hate ptsd!

 

[lovinbiker]

May I just say, I hate ptsd!

Yes and me Jenkins
But I always remember no one hates it more than the sufferer
I too hope that one day when its managed that I will get my `other half` back, but as you say you cant wait forever.
You cant live off hope, I truly hope things work out for you.
Take care
LB