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General How Does A Parent's PTSD Effect Our Children?
- Post starter FreedomO2
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Hi Harry,
I'm can't add one thing to ITL and sickofit, since they've so obviously hit things on the mark for you. I just wished to say it was awfully good to read you went directly to the stuffing of the matter in your reply, without pulling any proverbial punches, here. Not that I wish you to be too hard on yourself, either, since guilt on anyone's part obfuscates healing across the board but so does avoidance of dynamics, you know?
I do wish you the best with this. After my trauma(s), I was married to someone who pretty much compounded things by actually impeding the healing in various ways. His was deliberate, yours does not sound as if it is and you sound like you wish to approach things from another direction. That's a lot, from my perspective and for what it's worth.
I've been stuck in some terribly destructive PTSD behaviours in the last 20 years. Guilt is awful awful awful, and worse because I have children, 3 who got to live through most of 'all that'. Also for what it's worth, they are good, kind, successful adults. 2 are through college, one has his Master's, a wife and baby, the other working on his Masters now, a third looking at med school. These are not just superficial successes, either, since they are also good, kind people without exception, even looking at them objectivly. All 3 have been treated for anxiety disorders, one is on-going. I do not know how to be more sorry than sorry for that. I had some help getting them that way, I know, with the person who caused the trauma but in my head the fault is all mine, The bottom line, however, is that they really are ok, as adults.
I think another point is that you could give your children a bit of a lead on things, you know? More than a bit. With a new approach, "spirit of healing" your children will see the support from you, and not the blame, and follow. It's going to make a huge, huge difference. Please do find a T who can help all of you help each other through this. All of you so much deserve it, and the peace you'll get from this.
Please excuse how long this is. I just kind of lived though having children while coping with PTSD, and was married to someone who actually used it against me quite aggressively. He refused to become informed since all he wished for was a weapon in a power game. You wish for peace in the end, I think.
Do take care,
Anni
I'm can't add one thing to ITL and sickofit, since they've so obviously hit things on the mark for you. I just wished to say it was awfully good to read you went directly to the stuffing of the matter in your reply, without pulling any proverbial punches, here. Not that I wish you to be too hard on yourself, either, since guilt on anyone's part obfuscates healing across the board but so does avoidance of dynamics, you know?
I do wish you the best with this. After my trauma(s), I was married to someone who pretty much compounded things by actually impeding the healing in various ways. His was deliberate, yours does not sound as if it is and you sound like you wish to approach things from another direction. That's a lot, from my perspective and for what it's worth.
I've been stuck in some terribly destructive PTSD behaviours in the last 20 years. Guilt is awful awful awful, and worse because I have children, 3 who got to live through most of 'all that'. Also for what it's worth, they are good, kind, successful adults. 2 are through college, one has his Master's, a wife and baby, the other working on his Masters now, a third looking at med school. These are not just superficial successes, either, since they are also good, kind people without exception, even looking at them objectivly. All 3 have been treated for anxiety disorders, one is on-going. I do not know how to be more sorry than sorry for that. I had some help getting them that way, I know, with the person who caused the trauma but in my head the fault is all mine, The bottom line, however, is that they really are ok, as adults.
I think another point is that you could give your children a bit of a lead on things, you know? More than a bit. With a new approach, "spirit of healing" your children will see the support from you, and not the blame, and follow. It's going to make a huge, huge difference. Please do find a T who can help all of you help each other through this. All of you so much deserve it, and the peace you'll get from this.
Please excuse how long this is. I just kind of lived though having children while coping with PTSD, and was married to someone who actually used it against me quite aggressively. He refused to become informed since all he wished for was a weapon in a power game. You wish for peace in the end, I think.
Do take care,
Anni
I wanted to do an update as my last answer is over 3 years old now.
Recently I had a meeting at the school with my son and his teacher (he's in a special program where his coping skills for stress are worked into his attendence at school.) Some of my son's observations were really, interesting. He talked about how he and I had to bond closer than most parents and teens. That we are close and actually work together as a team. He talked about learning anger management and dealing with his anger in more healthy ways because I had unhealthy ways of coping during his younger years and learned better ways when he was older. He literally learned from my mistakes and my corrections. :)
Also last year we had a mental health review for him. Of this I learned that Matt's coping skills with people (diplomacy, people skills, assertive skills) have all not only greatly improved, but are far above that of a typical teen. He has also a heightened sense of personal insight and awareness of others. This is a just a few of the things brought up. What does my son and the health team contribute it to? Me. Because he lived with me while uncontrolled, in therapy and now in management phase he not only learned all these skills, but excelled at them.
I also contribute these skills to our open relationship. I have been honest and open with my son since day one about my PTSD, my therapy, and my mistakes. I am still open and honest. If something is too inapporpriate for his age, I tell him so and actually give him a timeline for when we should revisit it (ex: age 16 or not until you are 18.) I don't just lock him out of subjects but let him know when he can return to it if I feel it is beyond his age at the time.
I regularly admit to messing up, often. I apolgive, often. I try to make changes that benefit us both, with his input.
I have to admit, I would never have thought that having PTSD, in all it's stages, could ever benefit another person. Turns out I was wrong. It has been hard on him and I do wish that he could have had a different experience, however, I am so relieved that so much good came out of so much bad.
I really think how PTSD effects our children has more to do with how we treat and interact with out children, then the PTSD itself. I think my son is proof of that.
bec
Recently I had a meeting at the school with my son and his teacher (he's in a special program where his coping skills for stress are worked into his attendence at school.) Some of my son's observations were really, interesting. He talked about how he and I had to bond closer than most parents and teens. That we are close and actually work together as a team. He talked about learning anger management and dealing with his anger in more healthy ways because I had unhealthy ways of coping during his younger years and learned better ways when he was older. He literally learned from my mistakes and my corrections. :)
Also last year we had a mental health review for him. Of this I learned that Matt's coping skills with people (diplomacy, people skills, assertive skills) have all not only greatly improved, but are far above that of a typical teen. He has also a heightened sense of personal insight and awareness of others. This is a just a few of the things brought up. What does my son and the health team contribute it to? Me. Because he lived with me while uncontrolled, in therapy and now in management phase he not only learned all these skills, but excelled at them.
I also contribute these skills to our open relationship. I have been honest and open with my son since day one about my PTSD, my therapy, and my mistakes. I am still open and honest. If something is too inapporpriate for his age, I tell him so and actually give him a timeline for when we should revisit it (ex: age 16 or not until you are 18.) I don't just lock him out of subjects but let him know when he can return to it if I feel it is beyond his age at the time.
I regularly admit to messing up, often. I apolgive, often. I try to make changes that benefit us both, with his input.
I have to admit, I would never have thought that having PTSD, in all it's stages, could ever benefit another person. Turns out I was wrong. It has been hard on him and I do wish that he could have had a different experience, however, I am so relieved that so much good came out of so much bad.
I really think how PTSD effects our children has more to do with how we treat and interact with out children, then the PTSD itself. I think my son is proof of that.
bec
Amazing becvan. Sounds like you are giving the world an amazing human being and we could certainly use more of those! I'm sure he will effect many people in many good ways with his life...
intothelight
Sponsor
AMEN!
purplepanda
New Here
It's been a couple months since anyone commented on this thread, but I'm new here and sort of feel the need to comment, as my father has PTSD from the army, and it has impacted my life a great deal.
Though I am now legally an adult, I still live with my parents and will continue to do so until I leave for college in the fall, so my life is impacted every day by my dad's PTSD. He is also an alcoholic, and the combination of the two has caused the last few years of my life to be complete chaos.
While his trauma took place well before I was even born, he was not diagnosed with PTSD until about four years ago, when it started really becoming a problem because of his inability to keep a job and his constant drinking. Since then, things haven't been very good, and I have experienced a lot of confusion and depression as a result. I think, though, that what is absolutely key is communication.
My parents told me that my dad had PTSD, but I did not truly understand what that meant. I didn't understand that the problems in my life all stemmed from the PTSD. I was angry at my dad, because I thought he just didn't care enough to control himself and make things better. I felt that he had chosen PTSD and alcoholism over me. It is really only in the last week that I have begun researching PTSD on my own and discovering that there are reasons for his behavior and the problems in our lives other than him just not caring.
I am still working on forgiving him and overcoming the events that have happened, but learning about PTSD and realizing that it is not all my dad's fault has made a big difference, and I think that if my parents and I had communicated better about the PTSD over the past few years, it would have helped me a lot.
Another thing to be careful about is overall stability. Since my dad's diagnosis, I have never known what was going to happen next. Sometimes this is impossible to control, but I do think it can be minimized. There have literally been periods of time during which my mother has changed her mind every day about whether we were going to stay with my dad. I suppose it's all right that she does this, but the fact that she has told me every time she changed her mind and made it sound like it was her final decision caused me to have a lot of anxiety and feel.
Anyway, sorry to ramble on for so long. I just feel that the impact on children is often not talked about as much as it should be and that, as someone who is currently growing up with a parent with PTSD, I can perhaps offer a point of view that isn't often heard.
Though I am now legally an adult, I still live with my parents and will continue to do so until I leave for college in the fall, so my life is impacted every day by my dad's PTSD. He is also an alcoholic, and the combination of the two has caused the last few years of my life to be complete chaos.
While his trauma took place well before I was even born, he was not diagnosed with PTSD until about four years ago, when it started really becoming a problem because of his inability to keep a job and his constant drinking. Since then, things haven't been very good, and I have experienced a lot of confusion and depression as a result. I think, though, that what is absolutely key is communication.
My parents told me that my dad had PTSD, but I did not truly understand what that meant. I didn't understand that the problems in my life all stemmed from the PTSD. I was angry at my dad, because I thought he just didn't care enough to control himself and make things better. I felt that he had chosen PTSD and alcoholism over me. It is really only in the last week that I have begun researching PTSD on my own and discovering that there are reasons for his behavior and the problems in our lives other than him just not caring.
I am still working on forgiving him and overcoming the events that have happened, but learning about PTSD and realizing that it is not all my dad's fault has made a big difference, and I think that if my parents and I had communicated better about the PTSD over the past few years, it would have helped me a lot.
Another thing to be careful about is overall stability. Since my dad's diagnosis, I have never known what was going to happen next. Sometimes this is impossible to control, but I do think it can be minimized. There have literally been periods of time during which my mother has changed her mind every day about whether we were going to stay with my dad. I suppose it's all right that she does this, but the fact that she has told me every time she changed her mind and made it sound like it was her final decision caused me to have a lot of anxiety and feel.
Anyway, sorry to ramble on for so long. I just feel that the impact on children is often not talked about as much as it should be and that, as someone who is currently growing up with a parent with PTSD, I can perhaps offer a point of view that isn't often heard.
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