Terminating Relationships

[catjudo]

Jade--
You've gotten some excellent advice from people who have been in similar situations. I hope that it will help you find the courage to do what you need to do.

Instead of looking at it as turning your back on your son, think of it as giving him a dose of "tough love".

 

[Nicolette]

I had to terminate all family relationships except for my son.

The hardest part was getting past the guilt to have the courage to make and follow through on such a decision. Did I want to do it - No; did I have to do it to protect myself - yes!

I agree with all that is written. The only thing I will add is there is no crystal ball so all you can do is base your decision on all the information you have now & be prepared to live with the consequence whatever the outcome may be. Liken it to being on a plane & the air masks drop down. They tell you to put your air mask on first, even before helping your children. If you pass put due to lack of oxygen you cannot help your children is the point.

Point here is you have to do what's best for yourself Jade before you have any hope of helping anyone else - your own child included. If your child is making your situation worst then you have to act out of tough love along with the desire to help you get well as you are the only one who can do that for you.

I don't know if my family will ever be in my life again and I miss seeing my nieces as they are innocent in it all. The good part is I have peace and that is everything to my sanity compared to destructive relationships.

 

[Froggie]

I know this is an old thread...but what if a relationship that needs to be terminated is one of your own children(a kid that's over the age of 18)?

I am really struggling with this decision. I love my son so much, but he is really affecting my mental health. Is there ever a time that a parent should 'turn their back' on their own kid?

When, where and how should it be done? I feel like a horrible person for even asking such a question.

Hi Jade, I was confronted with that question with one of my sons when he was still a teenager. I read the rest of the answers and I have to admit they are right. I couldn't kick him out because he was a minor, but I had to stop facilitating his self destructive manner. Yes I felt like I had a rock (or is it stone we have to say) instead of a heart.

When he had to go for an adminttance entry exam for college (in an other city), he really pulled off a scene and took off. I stayed over my aunts in a neigboring other city. The next day finally found him and finally got the cops to tell me where he was. When they got both sides of the story, they realized that he had really pulled off a sob story. It was hard times then, but if you don't do it, they don't evolve. He is now married to a wonderful woman (I go gaga over my 3 daughter-in-laws) and they have gifted me with 3 grand-children - the youngest being my only grand-daughter. Jade hang in there. It must be tough, especially with the PTSD that you have to deal with. Keep writing - at least it doesn't stay inside of you like poison.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Jade-]

He's having problems at the half way house right now. IDK if he will be in there much longer.

I found out yesterday that he is no longer in the half way house and is in jail, for a parole violation, and will most likely be sent back to prison and have to do the whole time.

I'm heartbroken. He called me a few days ago and told me he didn't want to be in the half way house, that he would rather be in prison. I told him I loved him, that he already knows what I think, how I feel, and what I would do if I were in his situation. And that he has to make his own decisions and live his own life, however he wants.

Inside I wanted to beg him to stay at the half way house and to get himself straightened out. I wanted to tell him how bad I am hurting from all of this, how he has a chance while he's in there, how he can change if he just tries hard enough, etc.

I also wanted to yell at him, remind him of all the things he has done the past few years, how much money we have invested in his sobriety. Tell him he has caused so much hurt and pain in this family that he owes it to us to get himself clean and get his shit together. I wanted to scream at him that he is screwing his life up, screwing mine up, that I can't handle any more......

But I didn't do it. I know if he doesn't want to be in the half way house then it's not going to do any good at all. I know begging, pleading, bargaining, yelling, fighting, or anything else doesn't work. Nothing works......because I know there's nothing I can do......

So merry xmas to me.....:(

 

[intothelight]

Hi Jade,

It sucks when they choose to self-destruct and we can't do anything about it. There is still that part of us that says "they are my child, and I will do everything to help and protect them". But you are right, they are adults and there is nothing we should at this point, and just letting them suffer the consequences of their own actions is the best choice.

I think that is why it is called "tough love", but sometimes I want to call it "f**king hurts like hell love". You did the right think, but it still hurts.

Wishing you peace.

Debbie

 

[Jade-]

I want to call it "f**king hurts like hell love".

You're right about that....

I think it hurts more than anything else that I have been through.

 

[seedling]

Jade - your tongue must be bitten almost all the way off with stopping yourself from saying what you knew you shouldn't. How incredibly hard.

Maybe this will give him some space to get himself in a better frame of mind in the long run. When you're in a tangle with someone like that it's only your side that you can change. And he has less of a chance of changing if you don't. You've stood up and done the hard thing, I hope that it gives him the chance he needs to think things through on his own.

Take care. Can you visit him?

 

[Sethe]

Jade:

I really feel for you now. I do not have kids and cannot even fathom how hard it is for you now. Please remember to take care of yourself.

 

[Jade-]

When you're in a tangle with someone like that it's only your side that you can change. And he has less of a chance of changing if you don't.

That is so true seedling. I just wish I had realized that sooner. I have alot to work on and alot that needs to change.

 

[shadowchaser]

Things will get better in time. It's hard right now but maybe this way he will start dealing with his problems.

 

[seedling]

Jade - maybe this is your Christmas present to him and to you. To stop the same old cycle. Do you think you would feel any better if you had yelled all the things you wanted to at him? Probably not (well, maybe at first:)), but the situation wouldn't have changed or had a chance to change like it does now.

Hang in there.

 

[Jade-]

I wouldn't feel any better if I had yelled at him....I have done that, along with so many other things, so many different times that I finally realize it does no good. It actually probably just makes things worse.

I will get through this and be fine. And maybe this is what's needed anyway. Maybe with us being away from each other for quite awhile we both can work on ourselves....