I' Am New Here And Need Some Advice.

[ironbird]

I' am a little bit worried tonight. I was reading about cissistic personality disorders and some of the things she has said and done match up with this. On the other hand, some of the things she has said and done don't... For example, she CANNOT take any sort of criticism. She emotes quite a lot through her face and when I have jokingly teased her about things, her face changes quite dramatically and she will sometimes take it very serious. Also, she has only slept with one other guy besides me. She slept with him when she was 19 about 4 or 5 times she said. Her story was that the only reason she slept with him was because she wanted to see if having sex would cure her so she wouldn't need therapy. However she he had a girlfriend at the time yet she didn't know the first time, but once finding out, slept with him 3-4 more times. She said she feels so bad for doing that and ended up breaking things off with him because he wanted to dump his current gf for this girl. She told me after the first time she did it, she was disgusted but then thought maybe after the first, the second time would get easier. I have thought to myself that she was just doing it too find out about herself and just dissociated from the fact he had a gf simply because she had already established a level of sexual comfort she hadn't with anyone else, so she just thought she'd see if it got any easier whilst she was seeing him. She tells me she doesn't enjoy sex and I obviously believe her because after she does it, she becomes distant. Is this a red flag? I have also just thought she was 19 at the time and obviously has/had very low self-esteem.

I just hope she doesn't have some sort of NPD... Can PTSD be mistaken for this?

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Tonight for example; we were sitting on my couch talking etc, and we somehow got onto the topic of our relationship. I was testing her reactions and saying she wouldn't care if things were an open relationship and she would probably prefer it (obviously I was hoping she wouldn't agree) She scarcastically said "fine.." We laughed and then she said she just wants to be with me only.

Ironbird,

What you've said above sounds like emotional manipulation to me. I don't think the way to a woman's heart is to threaten sleeping with other women to somehow 'play' at making her choose you. In the end, if she suffers from insecurities you are only going to EXACERBATE them by basically threatening to go off with others if she doesn't do what you ask. That stood out to me. That one might come back to bite ya. I don't mean to criticise or call you a bad person. Simply pointing out that it may not be a wise move on your part. 6 months from now you might be here going 'she's convinced I'm sleeping with other women'

Hmmmm.... wonder why?

The way to earn someone's trust is not to threaten to abuse it.

 

[ironbird]

I was manipulating her. I was trying to test her. She has said from the start that she thinks I' am seeing other girls. She is highly insecure and jealous. I have done/do everything I can to reassure her. The tone of that particular conversation was flirty and we do this all the time and have a laugh about it. It always ends up with kissing etc... I would never comence a serious talk and say this too her. I guess you had to be there to feel the vibe of the convo. I sort of let things drift into the realm of where she might be thinking I' am serious, watch how she reacts then reassure her. I know its bad but we do it to each other as a way of weighing up the risks in getting hurt...

 

[cherryblossom]

So when she says she doesn't have any feelings for me, what does this mean? Lets just assume she isn't a robot of some sort. Does she have feelings but she says she doesn't because she doesn't want them to grow out of fear so she thinks saying she doesn't will just make them go away? Or she does have feelings, can't feel them until she has a little moment with me that touches her and then she can remember briefly until they fade? I mean why would she be so jealous and insecure of me and only want to be with me if she didn't have feelings?! It doesn't add up at all.

Absolutely impossible to answer. Have you tried asking her?

I have to be very strong when ALL my friends and family that have given me advice on her say:

"shes just a player"
"shes just using you"
"she sounds like a bitch"
"if she liked you, she'd be with you all the time"

They have no clue about any of her problems at all.

Perhaps they are right. You 'blame' her behaviour on PTSD (which you diagnosed!). She is more than just PTSD (if she has it?). One cannot account all behaviour to a mental health disorder (or brain injury - depending on how one perceives PTSD). She is not just a label, she has a personality too, which could well be bitchy and manipulative.

I' am a little bit worried tonight. I was reading about cissistic personality disorders and some of the things she has said and done match up with this. On the other hand, some of the things she has said and done don't... For example, she CANNOT take any sort of criticism. She emotes quite a lot through her face and when I have jokingly teased her about things, her face changes quite dramatically and she will sometimes take it very serious. Also, she has only slept with one other guy besides me. She slept with him when she was 19 about 4 or 5 times she said. Her story was that the only reason she slept with him was because she wanted to see if having sex would cure her so she wouldn't need therapy. However she he had a girlfriend at the time yet she didn't know the first time, but once finding out, slept with him 3-4 more times. She said she feels so bad for doing that and ended up breaking things off with him because he wanted to dump his current gf for this girl. She told me after the first time she did it, she was disgusted but then thought maybe after the first, the second time would get easier. I have thought to myself that she was just doing it too find out about herself and just dissociated from the fact he had a gf simply because she had already established a level of sexual comfort she hadn't with anyone else, so she just thought she'd see if it got any easier whilst she was seeing him. She tells me she doesn't enjoy sex and I obviously believe her because after she does it, she becomes distant. Is this a red flag? I have also just thought she was 19 at the time and obviously has/had very low self-esteem.

I just hope she doesn't have some sort of NPD... Can PTSD be mistaken for this?

Personally, I think you should quit the amateur psychology, and stop trying to justify her behaviour towards you, by blaming some 'disorder' or other. I'm not being mean or nasty, but I think you should stop trying to second guess her behaviour and thoughts, based on how you think someone with PTSD will behave. PTSD is a complex anxiety disorder with a myriad of symptoms and behaviours. Yes, there are common symptoms etc, but my PTSD will manifest itself in different ways than someone elses. For example - I struggle with anxiety and depression, and very little 'anger' issues. While for someone else with PTSD, anger might be their main issues.

If she does indeed have PTSD, it is not curable. She's not going to pop to therapy for a couple of weeks and be fixed. PTSD is a life-long condition. Are you prepared for that? She may often 'close down' from you. You may never understand how her brain works, or what she's thinking. She may continue to blow hot and cold towards you. She may always be unpredictable and 'moody'. Can you deal with that on a daily basis?

 

[cherryblossom]

The tone of that particular conversation was flirty and we do this all the time and have a laugh about it. It always ends up with kissing etc... I would never comence a serious talk and say this too her. I guess you had to be there to feel the vibe of the convo. I sort of let things drift into the realm of where she might be thinking I' am serious, watch how she reacts then reassure her. I know its bad but we do it to each other as a way of weighing up the risks in getting hurt...

Perhaps it's time you actually had a serious conversation, (instead of a jokey/flirty conversation), before one or both of you get hurt?

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I was manipulating her. I was trying to test her. She has said from the start that she thinks I' am seeing other girls. She is highly insecure and jealous. I have done/do everything I can to reassure her.

Manipulation is not reassurance in my mind. If she is insecure you should be doing everything you can to reassure her you're NOT sleeping with other women. You're deliberately pushing her buttons. You're deliberately playing on her weaknesses and not emphasising her strengths. I'm sorry, but I don't think you're gonna win her that way.

 

[ironbird]

Absolutely impossible to answer. Have you tried asking her?


Perhaps they are right. You 'blame' her behaviour on PTSD (which you diagnosed!). She is more than just PTSD (if she has it?). One cannot account all behaviour to a mental health disorder (or brain injury - depending on how one perceives PTSD). She is not just a label, she has a personality too, which could well be bitchy and manipulative.


Personally, I think you should quit the amateur psychology, and stop trying to justify her behaviour towards you, by blaming some 'disorder' or other. I'm not being mean or nasty, but I think you should stop trying to second guess her behaviour and thoughts, based on how you think someone with PTSD will behave. PTSD is a complex anxiety disorder with a myriad of symptoms and behaviours. Yes, there are common symptoms etc, but my PTSD will manifest itself in different ways than someone elses. For example - I struggle with anxiety and depression, and very little 'anger' issues. While for someone else with PTSD, anger might be their main issues.

If she does indeed have PTSD, it is not curable. She's not going to pop to therapy for a couple of weeks and be fixed. PTSD is a life-long condition. Are you prepared for that? She may often 'close down' from you. You may never understand how her brain works, or what she's thinking. She may continue to blow hot and cold towards you. She may always be unpredictable and 'moody'. Can you deal with that on a daily basis?

I have asked her, she says she feels nothing for me nor has she anyone else other than her mother. However her actions tell a different story which is what leads me to be skeptical of her initial statement.

She has a bitchy streak for sure, but thats something I like about her. She is also manipulative, but everyone can be at times in varying degrees. Until she starts being pathologically manipulative, I don't think its a big red flag. She isn't a player etc..

The "amateur psychology" is what has help me gain a better understanding of her. Without my thirst for knowledge on what would be causing her pain, she would still be 2 steps backwards. I have shown her the criteria for diagnosis and she agrees that she has PTSD. I know it sounds silly and everything, but we are sure she has PTSD. She discribed a lot of her symptoms to me long before I suspected it was PTSD. Once I went searching, I read about it and the puzzle piece fitted perfectly. She doesn't seem to struggle with any sort of anger issues either. She has problems when it comes to sleep. She sleeps maybe 2-4 hour per night. She is extremely hypervigilant also.

I know it isn't curable. I know therapy takes a LONG time to work if it doesn't backfire and make her worse. I guess I' am young and have been dealt this path through life. I was raised by my mother who had a PTSD along with A LOT of other illnesses for 20 years of my life. I spent many nights talking her out of killing herself when I should have been playing video games with friends. I spent christmas morning in the ICU waiting room alone, waiting to find out if she would live after a very close attempt at suicide. Then the worry about if her brain would be fried from the massive amount of anti-psychotics she took. Then one day goto visit her, find mail banked up, hear her dog howling, kick the back door in to find her dead on the ground in a pool of her own blood. She died from an asthma attack after I had moved out of her house to live with my father for a week or so. Whilst I was living there I had saved her live 5 or 6 times from asthma attacks that would have resulted in her death. Not that time. I lived with her, just me her and our dog for 20 years. This situation is familiar to me as harmful as it is. Maybe I can help her in ways I could never help my mother? Whats the chance of meeting someone like this after losing someone so close to me so similar?

I have had many serious talks with her and she changes her answer all the time. One day its, "I have never met anyone of your calibre" then its "I don't feel anything..."

 

[ironbird]

Manipulation is not reassurance in my mind. If she is insecure you should be doing everything you can to reassure her you're NOT sleeping with other women. You're deliberately pushing her buttons. You're deliberately playing on her weaknesses and not emphasising her strengths. I'm sorry, but I don't think you're gonna win her that way.

I agree with you and it isn't my primary tool... I used it as a barometer to what she thought of that particular scenario. My primary method is reassurance and emphasising her strengths. I guess you will have to take my word for it,

 

[cherryblossom]

I have asked her, she says she feels nothing for me nor has she anyone else other than her mother. However her actions tell a different story which is what leads me to be skeptical of her initial statement.

Her actions being what? She has told you how she feels, but you don't believe her. Are you just choosing which parts to believe, of things she tells you?

She has a bitchy streak for sure, but thats something I like about her. She is also manipulative, but everyone can be at times in varying degrees. Until she starts being pathologically manipulative, I don't think its a big red flag. She isn't a player etc..

I actually can't think of anyone I know who is manipulative. I can think of people in my past who were manipulative - they are in my past for a reason.

The "amateur psychology" is what has help me gain a better understanding of her. Without my thirst for knowledge on what would be causing her pain, she would still be 2 steps backwards. I have shown her the criteria for diagnosis and she agrees that she has PTSD. I know it sounds silly and everything, but we are sure she has PTSD. She discribed a lot of her symptoms to me long before I suspected it was PTSD. Once I went searching, I read about it and the puzzle piece fitted perfectly. She doesn't seem to struggle with any sort of anger issues either. She has problems when it comes to sleep. She sleeps maybe 2-4 hour per night. She is extremely hypervigilant also.

I never have, nor will I ever agree with self- diagnosis. It's like psychological hypochondria IMO. I doubt you would try to diagnose a complex physical illness, without seeking professional advice, so why would you try with a psychological illness?

This situation is familiar to me as harmful as it is. Maybe I can help her in ways I could never help my mother? Whats the chance of meeting someone like this after losing someone so close to me so similar?

I will leave you to ponder those thoughts. Dependancy?

 

[ironbird]

Her actions being what? She has told you how she feels, but you don't believe her. Are you just choosing which parts to believe, of things she tells you?

Well I guess I have this all wrong then. Maybe I should just break it off with her and move on. It seems as if I have misread this situation and should best leave this girl to sort her own life out. I just thought that she maybe was supressing her feelings but I guess maybe I' am not the right one for her.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Ironbird - I just have one thing to add and I don't mean to be 'bitchy' when I say it.

If you want to be her therapist - well, the point of a therapist is to leave them. To gather healing and move on. So if you have chosen to play 'therapist' role in her life then don't be surprised when she does exactly that - moves on.

Partners exist for another reason.....

Just MHO....

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hello Ironbird,

This thread is really painful, so I'm not sticking on it.
But, you said "Maybe I can help her in ways I could never help my mother?"

No, you cannot.
You couldn't help your Mother.
By playing amateur psychologist, you can damage this young woman far beyond her ending up lying in a pool of blood.

I'm very sorry for your suffering, and I'm very sorry you lost your Mother. Please don't try to repeat and try to correct your own traumatic life without any professional assistance, or you both will suffer badly for it.
With respects...