I' Am New Here And Need Some Advice.

[cherryblossom]

Well I guess I have this all wrong then. Maybe I should just break it off with her and move on. It seems as if I have misread this situation and should best leave this girl to sort her own life out. I just thought that she maybe was supressing her feelings but I guess maybe I' am not the right one for her.

I agree with you. That might be best for you both.

 

[ironbird]

Ironbird - I just have one thing to add and I don't mean to be 'bitchy' when I say it.

If you want to be her therapist - well, the point of a therapist is to leave them. To gather healing and move on. So if you have chosen to play 'therapist' role in her life then don't be surprised when she does exactly that - moves on.

Partners exist for another reason.....

Just MHO....

Well I agree, I found when I was probing her too much she totally avoided me. Now I rarely do it unless she wants to talk.

Hello Ironbird,

This thread is really painful, so I'm not sticking on it.
But, you said "Maybe I can help her in ways I could never help my mother?"

No, you cannot.
You couldn't help your Mother.
By playing amateur psychologist, you can damage this young woman far beyond her ending up lying in a pool of blood.

I'm very sorry for your suffering, and I'm very sorry you lost your Mother. Please don't try to repeat and try to correct your own traumatic life without any professional assistance, or you both will suffer badly for it.
With respects...

Just out of curiosity, how is this thread painful?

Well I know this is useless without professional assistance. I just thought maybe I could establish a strong interpersonal relationship with her before she went into therapy so I could support her through it. I have always thought interpersonal relationships were much more beneficial in the long run than therapy however therapy is the bare minimum required for her to be happy. A relationship would just be like the icing on the cake I guess.

What do I do?

I like her a lot.

She says she feels glimpses of feelings for me but then they go away.

Everyone here has told me to end this.

This is a hard dicision to make.

 

[AdamAnt]

Imho, what you need to end is your trying to control the situation. You're trying to read tea leaves when you take a small reaction of hers and use that as a basis for extrapolating what that indicates about her and your future..

My advice...relax. Concentrate on what it means to be a friend and then do that and see what happens.

You're young and intelligent and curious, so I think we can forgive some game-playing on your part, but keep it up with her and she may turn around one day and say "I think we should have an open relationship" to you and mean it...

 

[ironbird]

Well I went and met up with her and her mother on new years last night. As the night went on she seemed much more comfortable. She said she might have been meeting up with some friends later on in the night. I asked if she cared if I met them. She said she didn't care wether I stayed or went of with my friends. This bothered me. So after new years there was a carnival near by with some rides. Her friends, her and I got some tickets and lined up. I got my tickets first while they were still fumbling with coins so they were a few people behind me in the line up to wait. Behind me were two girls around my age and behind them was my girl and her friends. These two girls started to talk and flirt with me and I could see my girl looking over occasionally whilst chatting with her friends. Anyways later in the night we were alone waiting to get picked up by her mum when she told me her friends were telling her in the line up that "oh hes flirting with those girls!" and she told me she told them she didn't care. But I think she cared a lot because why tell me that? Its like always denying her feelings verbally will be some sort of defence mechanism.

We all ended up back at her place drinking and I met her sister. As we got drunker there she was more comfortable some me affection in front of them. She was holding my hand secretly too and kissing me on the arm and hands when they weren't looking or left the room. How can a girl be like this and still maintain that she feels nothing for me? Does this sound familiar to you guys? Is she bullshitting me?

So basically, I came here to find out once and for all if her having PTSD would not allow her to have feelings. So far I have gathered that it is related however she would know wether or not she had feelings. Is this true? She is chosing to say she doesn't, not show them and bury them. Right? I just need something to give me hope that she does have feelings but PTSD is complicating things...

I guess this is a big step for her but I' am not sure if I should stay as I said in my other posts. I don't want to cause her more harm in some blind attempt to help her.

 

[AdamAnt]

flip a coin dude...you're asking questions that have nothing to do with PTSD

 

[ironbird]

flip a coin dude...you're asking questions that have nothing to do with PTSD

"C: Persistent avoidance and emotional numbing
This involves a sufficient level of:

• avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, such as certain thoughts or feelings, or talking about the event(s);
• avoidance of behaviors, places, or people that might lead to distressing memories;
• inability to recall major parts of the trauma(s), or decreased involvement in significant life activities;
• decreased capacity (down to complete inability) to feel certain feelings;
• an expectation that one's future will be somehow constrained in ways not normal to other people."

So it has nothing to do with PTSD?

I have been doing some thinking and I have thought maybe she is just so terrified of being hurt emotionally she is putting on this huge smoke screen to protect herself. Isn't the fear of intimacy a product of abuse? Abuse is where her PTSD originated from...?

Can someone please chime in and help me out because I' am going nuts thinking about this goil.

 

[cherryblossom]

Talk to her, ask her, and accept her answers. Does it really matter whether it's PTSD, a personality disorder, or just her being bitchy/manipulative? You're playing games with each other, which is not healthy for either of you.

 

[ironbird]

Talk to her, ask her, and accept her answers. Does it really matter whether it's PTSD, a personality disorder, or just her being bitchy/manipulative? You're playing games with each other, which is not healthy for either of you.

No offence but how old are you? I wish things were as straight forward as a box of chocolates and some flowers on the first date... things don't work like that. I don't accept her answers because she changes her answers all the time to the same questions. It seems she lives in the moment.

If things were as simple a what you say then I would have never have connected with her and I would have never started talking to her again. Its hard to take such drastic advice from some name and box of text on my computer screen... I need some answers on the emotional numbing aspect of PTSD!!

"

• feeling a markedly reduced ability to feel emotions, especially those associated with intimacy, tenderness and sexuality – Lacking Emotions "

Please address this issue. I KNOW she is playing games and being manipulative when she says she feels nothing if what I hope is true. What I hope is that PTSD doesn't obstruct in ANY way a person's ability to form feelings of infatuation/love etc. If it does then I will agree she is telling me the truth but I can't imagine it being so final. I think she must feel feelings for me in short periods but if PTSD does affect such an ability then they must get buried deep down. I will make the decision wether ot not to just remain in her life as a friend.

 

[Tinyflame]

Why SHOULD she trust you if you are playing game sand/ or not being up-front yourself, ironbird? Doing things to make her jealous etc is no way to get your answer or more specifically build a relationship based on mutual trust, transparency, honesty, commitment and intimacy. If you want those things, you have to give them too, IMHO.

 

[ironbird]

Listen, I can't explain the amount of times that I have been up-front with her. I can only give a brief summary of the problems I have, not a detailed account of our every interaction. Just assume that I have come to these boards with good intentions!

Can you PLEASE stop questioning my integrity. I am not here to explain the different methods of courtship between a man and a woman and their different levels of integrity. I need my previous post answered.

Thanks.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear ironbird, I hear your frustration. The posts are the answer: game-playing has no place with a ptsd-sufferer. Be there for her or not, that is your choice and whatever one is the right one to make for you. But she will never be able to know 'what' she feels for you, if she cannot trust you implicitly. Just as you don't know, it sounds like she doesn't know, but it also sounds like there are conflicting messages being sent between you in your words or actions.

Be honest, be gentle, be kind. The more you 'force' the more she will run.

 

[cherryblossom]

No offence but how old are you? I wish things were as straight forward as a box of chocolates and some flowers on the first date... things don't work like that. I don't accept her answers because she changes her answers all the time to the same questions. It seems she lives in the moment.

I'm not really sure what my age has to do with anything. But since you ask, I'm 38 (does that make my opinion more or less valid?). I don't think I ever suggested buying her a box of chocolates and some flowers and everything will be ok - far from it.

No-one can read your girlfriends mind, no-one. No-one can possibly know whether she is capable of loving, or having feelings. Only she knows the answer to that. Not you, not me, not anyone else on this forum. PTSD can leave sufferers feeling numb, and lacking in emotions, but as I said before, PTSD symptoms have varying degrees in every sufferer, so it's impossible to answer on an individual basis. Perhaps you should take her word for it?

Its hard to take such drastic advice from some name and box of text on my computer screen

You asked for advice and I have given you my opinions. You can take it or leave it, it's only my opinion.

I will give you my final opinion. I don't think you are willing to accept answers that don't suit you, both from people on this board and from your girlfriend. You seem to be convinced that you can 'save' this girl and 'fix' her. Maybe she doesn't want to be 'saved' or 'fixed'. Maybe there is nothing 'wrong' with her. Perhaps she doesn't have PTSD at all.
You and her 'diagnosed' her as having PTSD. If indeed she does have PTSD, you can't pick and chose which symptoms she has just to suit you. You have read the diagnositic criteria, and quoted it, so you know the answer to the following question.

What I hope is that PTSD doesn't obstruct in ANY way a person's ability to form feelings of infatuation/love etc

Yes, it can and it does, but not for all PTSD sufferers. I think you need to learn to accept what she says, stop trying to read her mind, stop trying to guess how she feels. And accept her for who she is, and what she tells you. Either accept the relationship/friendship for what it is, or move on. Again, just my opinion which you can take or leave.