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Is this avoidance? I want to forget, I really really want to forget about it all.

I feel like I've been running from what I went through. I was so young (I still am, as it's only been 3 years), and I just wanted to forget about it and enjoy the new, fun transitions I was going through at college. I feel like I really did for some time there, I just didn't think or talk about it or him for a while. But I'm realizing now I do want to talk about it and that I haven't processed it fully.

I don't know where to go with this, there's so much I want to say. And I know I probably need serious therapy for it.

But I feel like no one understands how truly bad it was, I don't think I even fully understand. I lost myself completely, and my body was taken from me in multiple ways and numerous times. He basically destroyed the person I used to be.

Lately, I feel like I've been getting back to myself. But every time I start to get comfortable with that, being in my body again, I want to crawl right back out. I'm growing and changing, but my body is still the same and I can still feel it. I can still remember how it feels.

I want to forget, I really really want to forget about it all. It was so bad. I know it's not realistic and I need to heal this... I'm just so angry. I'm so angry. It's like I want to deal with this but I also want to delete it from my memory. There's a cologne I've been smelling... I think it may have been his.

I guess I'm wondering if this will ever be possible to fully "get over."
 
It doesn’t sound like avoidance now as you’re thinking about it and reliving it at times. (I’m not sure what “it” is and obviously you don’t need to explain).

if things are triggering you and you are feeling things in your body from it, might be good to find a therapist t9 work through triggers and reclaim the sensations in your body.
I think thoughts are easier to stop than sensations. In my opinion anyway. Thoughts are still hard. But it might also be god to work out with the sensations in your body, what comes first: the sensation or the thought? and Then build in grounding techniques.
 
I want to forget, I really really want to forget about it all. It was so bad. I know it's not realistic and I need to heal this... I'm just so angry. I'm so angry. It's like I want to deal with this but I also want to delete it from my memory. There's a cologne I've been smelling... I think it may have been his.
Avoidance, dysreg, & flashbacks… oh my. 🦁 🐯 🐻

I guess I'm wondering if this will ever be possible to fully "get over."
that’s the entire point of trauma therapy.

Over 90% of people with PTSD? Achieve exactly that.

Traumatic anything can get “stuck” in the brain, and still be registering as present, overlaying on top of the present, instead of being in the past & memory. So all the natural “getting over”? Simply doesn’t happen. Because our brain hasnt shifted it into the past & memory. Unlike every other terrible thing that time heals? That we learn from, grow from, get over, rise above? PTSD hijacks. No one really knows why. 10 people can experience the exact same life threatening trauma or sexual assault, but arrive at 10 completely different diagnoses. PTSD just being 1. But? Knowing it’s PTSD is a huge benefit, because there are madly effective treatments for it. It’s not a cureable condition, but like diabetes, one can learn to manage it so effectively that there are zero symptoms in your life.
 
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acceptance was my first step in **getting over it**. i don't know that i'm **over it** in the social media context, but i am enjoying a mostly functional life with daily love and laughter. unfortunately, forgetting it was not part of achieving it. in my own case, the quest for forgettance wasn't my only form of avoidance, but my context of getting over it required i take the bull by the horns and tell that bull to listen up and behave. i had to grab that bull and show him who's boss more than once, but the persistence paid off. that old bull is still with me, but he stays to his corner of the pasture these days. that's **over it** enough for me.

can you tell i live in cattle country?

steadying support while you find your own way through.
 
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