Talking With My Husband About Why He Would Leave Me To Go To His Adult Daughter’s & Grandchildren

[Flying Dove]

I had talk. with my husband early this am. I asked to describe situations where he felt he would need to leave to go to his daughter and grandchildren. His daughter is married to a navy seal. Answers were complete breakdown clear evidence things completely dissolved black swan events. I had to ask if the media manufactured incidents like a riot run on banks the president being hospitalized to sway election results what would he do? It has been mentioned in the press this could occur. Dr Steven hassan in his podcast discusses undue influence brainwashing etc . Husband said he would verify. He knows I do not feel safe.we both are working on our relationship and our issues but I do not feel comfortable, normal affection kissing hugging has decreased. What am I supposed to do with this. His first wife left him and his daughter. He raised her by himself. He is a good man. What do I do with my discomfort? Why does it seem he is consumed with this? He says trump will win etc. I am in a different place now. I see I got consumed too and based reality - mine- on this. Our conversations about what he does- checking the news becomes I have the problem. Ok, I am back in therapy. I have an uneasy feeling to be prepared for him leaving but no emergency occurred but he assessed there was. We own live in nice rv. I know nothing about repairing it maintenance etc.

 

[Aprilshowers]

Welcome to my world...only yours is majorly ramped up on steroids!!

First, realize that maintenance issues if he would leave aren't an issue. When my friend's husband passed away last spring leaving her with a big home and large property to maintain that she knew nothing about she hired a handy man. She calls him when she needs him - when the furnace acted up and when she needed to have her TV fixed. She hired a high school boy to cur her huge lawn. Your husband is not the only person who can fix stuff.

Buckle up because the crazy stuff is just going to get crazier. People are in their own head space as to how they choose to handle "what's happening." Your husband is closely following (it appears) far, far, far in one direction news reports, theories, and predictions. Others stick their heads in the sand and pretend life is business as usual. I follow Bible prophecy (which I'm not really supposed to get into here) but that shapes my views and how I'm preparing my family.

Living with so much fear and uncertainty about the future must be terrible for your husband. His anxieties coupled with your own over dealing with the stress this is putting on your marriage a

 

[Aprilshowers]

That posted too soon!
I was going to say coupled with the stress on your marriage and your doubts about your own future with him has got to be truly frustrating. I know people who are prepping and concerned as he is. I personally think it is a control issue - they feel like they can control nothing about their own fate...the Big Bads are controlling everything. Prepping gives them some feeling of control. I am not saying preparing is in any way a bad thing to do. The obsessive thinking and behavior and when it interferes with everyday life is when it becomes a problem

 

[arfie]

I asked to describe situations where he felt he would need to leave to go to his daughter and grandchildren

i don't feel safe speaking for your husband, but i am harshly reminded of my attempts to answer such questions when my hubby asks them about the 43 year old crackhead we raised together. he doesn't ask quite so often here in our second parenting career where we are wishing we had made that retirement seminar on putting kids through college on a fixed income. is there a podcast for that?

sigh. . .
these days we both answer such questions with, "small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. let god lead the dance."

 

[Friday]

I would -and have- leave/left everyone & everything to get to my son in a crisis.

During Covid? We had 4 generations in 1 house as my mom did the exact same thing, and threw her doors open to all of her kids/grandkids.

It seems like a pretty normal-human thing, to me. But my family is also really close, even though we’re scattered around the globe. In crisis? We come together & pool resources/skills/time/energy. On a fairly graded thing ((my mom & her kids/grandkids, my uncles & theirs, my aunts and theirs… THEN… those groups pulling together). When my grandparents were alive they were the center of all of their kids/grandkids/great-grandkids. A smidge of infighting has existed since their death, on who is matriarch, (The women are strong, and the men are all good looking! ) but someone always is. We’re clannish, my people. We spread out during good times, and come together during bad times.))

But always choosing your kids, over spouses/parents/friends/extended family? Seems pretty durn normal/healthy.

Why have a conversation positing having to choose between you & them? Were you looking for a fight?

 

[Flying Dove]

Thank you to all. Friday no I was not trying to cause a fight. He has mentioned this on his own with no input from me. My anxiety was very high. In flight mode myself although I was right by his side. I needed clarification from him. I am thinking now we are feeding on each other's anxiety and stress. I have been asking reminding repeatedly no political talk between us recently. So far so good. I was really trying to figure out if I would get left behind. His answer was no.

My fear has significantly dropped as I learn and research about how clinical guidance from " experts" during covid was never grounded in science. Sounds counterintuitive but I know how much our brain and cognition is altered by our devices and the 24 hour access to anything. I will still be processing how much the world changed to due lockdowns etc forced. The deaths were real. People became really ill..But the media seems now to be an instrument of manipulation.

That posted too soon!
I was going to say coupled with the stress on your marriage and your doubts about your own future with him has got to be truly frustrating. I know people who are prepping and concerned as he is. I personally think it is a control issue - they feel like they can control nothing about their own fate...the Big Bads are controlling everything. Prepping gives them some feeling of control. I am not saying preparing is in any way a bad thing to do. The obsessive thinking and behavior and when it interferes with everyday life is when it becomes a problem

I agree with you. It is a coping tool that is not effective. I practice control everything I can. Triggers in my case- some I need to limit avoid set firm boundaries with. Thank you

i don't feel safe speaking for your husband, but i am harshly reminded of my attempts to answer such questions when my hubby asks them about the 43 year old crackhead we raised together. he doesn't ask quite so often here in our second parenting career where we are wishing we had made that retirement seminar on putting kids through college on a fixed income. is there a podcast for that?

sigh. . .
these days we both answer such questions with, "small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. let god lead the dance."

Thank you. I understand what you are saying. I am sorry to hear about your son. I have faith as well. There are things out of our control and in the hands of god

 

[Flying Dove]

I have asked him to leave. He quotes all the articles about crisis after crisis. I will be fine. This has caused too much fear. I told him first I would meet him halfway- listen to him about this. His brother daughter parents will not speak to him much about it. He is still focused as far as shtf weapons etc I just am chosing not to. I have every right to set boundaries with how much stress I let in. I took off my wedding rings said you are free you got what you wanted.

 

[Flying Dove]

In addition today he demanded to spend 150.00 a month on weapons. He also said we have to be ready in 6 to 9 months. He said I was not focused on this enough. It will take a lot of focus. Apparently 24/7. He also said in regards to his leaving- before I told him to leave- he will eat pine cones if necessary to survive after leaving me.

 

[Flying Dove]

I do have ethical issues about my decision. I am the one with income health insurance. Not him. He retired in March 2023. When I had to get an order of protection against my father it was for similar reasons. He did not listen to me. I was and still am in the wrong. My husband knew early on about my seizure risk. He has kept pushing pushing pushing. Why do people do this? Is what I say not valid anymore? Husband says I blame. Abuse recovery - blame is part of the healing process but later I have reframed it to cause effect correlation. Different. Transgenerational trauma is real.

 

[OceanSpray]

I am so glad you have chosen to separate from him. It is not on you to provide for all his needs, he’s capable of figuring that out. But both of you are feeding into each other’s paranoia and it’s not healthy. Hopefully now you can have a more full and rich real life with hobbies and community instead of being isolated in fear.

 

[Flying Dove]

Well he is still with me. My rings remain off. I have said and thought before the gravity of this hit him. Again it appears so. I have to keep the boundaries in place.

 

[OceanSpray]

Is there a way y’all can get literal physical separation? Maybe he go stay with his daughter for awhile? Or if he refuses, can you stay with someone for a bit?